Whee! Ima Taoist?

Lemmings aside, self-destruction must be a totally human trait. Too often, it seems, we find new and amazing ways to destroy ourselves. We do this as a species, a group, and as individuals. Granted, we're still around, so we haven't managed to pull the species level one off (yet). I think that's just because we've been lucky. I think the higher order ones (groups, governments, families) are a reflection of the tendency for the individual to do self-destructive things.

Sure, there are quite a few people who get along fine. They always manage to do the safe or right thing. The make the correct (sensible) life decisions. They're quite happy living normal, boring lives. They have enough sense to not do things which might go poorly. (Mistakes not counting.)

I used to be the type of person with an amazing capacity for self-destruction. Choices that I make, if I am not extremely careful, have a way of coming back to bite me in the ass. It's subconscious. I really don't enjoy tons of drama in my life. And yet, there are times where I really think that, when bored, I look for ways to spice things up a bit.

Hand-in-hand with that came the remarkable ability to destroy things around me. When everything would be going well, I would say or do something to cause problems. This was especially true of relationships. Though, it also applied to other parts of my life.

Recently, I've changed that tendency. I came to recognize how it affected me, and more importantly, those around me. It didn't happen instantly. There were several catalysts to my change in views and how I handled things. I think, one of the greatest catalysts was the death of my father. There's a saying I'm sure I've said before, "A man isn't a man, until his father dies."

I think, until that point, I never really accepted that my decisions are mine to make. And no, my father wasn't controlling or anything like that. It's more that I had an attitude that things (my decisions) just didn't matter. There was also a bit of not caring in there as well: I didn't care how my actions affected others.

Why all this?

Well, now that I'm working out of that tendency, I see it in others all the time. There are people I know, some very close to me, who have this same innate talent. Only now, I'm one of the people who will be affected. In an odd way, I'm now getting a taste of my own medicine. And guess what? I don't like it very much.

Now, I know that sounds a bit selfish. It is. To not really think about something, until it affects me. But, that's just another of my vices. But, since I've been thinking about it, I've come up with a few thoughts on the matter.

When it comes down to it, people tend to think of themselves first. This is especially true for Americans. Our culture is one where we don't worry about something if it's not in our own back yard. My father had a joke he used to tell:

"What's the difference between a recession and a depression?"

"A recession is
when your neighbor is out of work. A depression is when you are out of work."

When you think about it, that's how we think. It's how we work. If it doesn't (directly) affect us, we (usually) could give two shits. And, really, that's the wrong attitude to have.

Like it or not, our actions take their toll on those around us. Part of Taoism is learning to live in harmony with the Way. Learning to let things go the way they should. Another part of it involves not going out of your way to cause damage to something. And it's that self-destructive tendency that we carry which goes counter to that.

So, now that I am older and (hopefully) wiser, I have a suggestion to pass on to others: be aware of how your actions affect others. Just as your mother used to say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." So should you consider your actions. Be aware that not only is it possible to help those around you, it is quite possible to hurt them. I think that is one of the main lessons of life. Sure, you can be an asshole. But, in the end, it doesn't help anything. In the end, you have to face yourself in the mirror. And, one of the best ways to see something good in that reflection is to know that you have done good in your life. Hurting others is definitely not good.

Labels: advice, book, life, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 11:54 | Permalink | Comments

I've always held people to double standards: there was one set of rules for me, and another for everyone else. What was OK for me, was not always OK for them. I'd advise people on the correct course of action, yet do exactly the opposite. There's a word for that. It's called hypocrisy. The age old phrase of, "Do as I say, not as I do."

A few years ago, I decided to try to be a little different. I would start following my own advice. I'd clean up my act, so to speak. That change did not come without a catalyst. In my case, it was the death of my father. Sure, it took a few years, but I managed to change myself. My father's death wasn't the only thing that happened to me. But, it really was the start of things.

The funny thing is, prior to this, hypocrisy always pissed me off. It still does. Though, now I'm able to handle it better. I recognize how often it happens, and often the reasons why it happens. But, it still irks me.

I've been learning some important lessons as of late. Many with the help of my partner and wife, Jessica. She's done a lot to help me realign my thinking and my actions. I will forever how she's opened my eyes. The learning process is far from complete, but at least it's a process. It comes back to something I mentioned in a previous post: it's not about perfection, it's about progress. (The catch phrase of AA.)

Another thing that has brought this to mind is my daughter. I see in her much of what was in my when I was young. I've turned into my father (parents?), in that I am now saying many of the things they said. Much to the same affect.

But, here's the thing. What happens when you're trying to overcome the hypocrisy of a lifetime? How tolerant of it should you be? I'm dealing with this one a lot lately. And, I think it comes back to what I just said (and what I've said before): It's about progress. Still, I've learned it's important to practice what one preaches. I see that now, by my relationships in my life. Most especially by the choices my daughter is making, and through my relationship with Jessica.

What's the point to all this? Just to say that it's best to lead by example. The more one is a hypocrite, the less (positive) affect one has on others. It's been a real challenge for me, to act more in line with what I say. I'm too easy going, I don't communicate well enough, I don't let people into my life, I don't focus enough on the future. It's changing, but slowly.

In the end, it comes down to that. Am I making progress? I think everyone should ask themselves that. I also think they should ask themselves if they are leading by example. After all, if they're not, they're just adding to the hypocrisy which pervades every day life.

Labels: advice, book, life

Posted by Christopher at 17:29 | Permalink | Comments

So, I've gone through a lot of changes the past few years; a few major ones the past year. I've started a new job, finalized a divorce, been married, and a few other things I'm sure I've forgotten. To say the least, it's been an extremely stressful time.

One thing that's carried me through this time is Jess, my wife. I won't bore you with all the juicy details of how we met. What I do want to tell you about is how much her support has meant to me. It's also taught me a lot. Though there is a large gap in our ages, she's managed to take me places I've never been. In short, I've learned more about relationships and individuality in the past year than I have in the past forty.

We joke about it with each other, Jess and I. Joke about how we are partners; about how we mesh so well. How we've managed to go through some interesting things. Each thing has only served to make the relationship stronger. We have several core values which match, and in other areas we are as different as can be. The core values help keep us on track. The differences complement.

The greatest thing I've learned from her (am still learning) is how to communicate. I've spent my life hiding my feelings. Playing with the cards close to my chest. No one, even past loves, were ever allowed into the inner me. They never saw what it was I thought or felt. That's just the way it was.

Another thing I've learned is the importance of individuality. One cannot bring themselves to a relationship, until they're okay with themselves. If you haven't learned who you are, what makes you tick, you really can't be part of a couple. That lesson came from Jess, but it also came before her. I started my divorce, because I had finally reached the point where I needed to be me. If that makes any sense.

But, the thing I really wanted to touch on this time is the importance of team work. See, Jess and I have hit several things were it's taken both of us to get through it. I'm not talking major disasters per se. But, still, situations which would have crushed lesser couples. Now, not all these things were easy to handle. The were handled well though. This is because we've managed to rely on each other.

So, I'm writing this for a couple reasons. One is to underscore the importance of choosing a good life partner. No one is perfect. Everyone has faults. I know I have a boat load of them. But, with the right person on your side, things are much easier to face. My last marriage was the antithesis of this: my partner was never on my side. That places me in a decent position to know what the difference between the two are.

This is at the front of my mind, because Jess and I still face things. We've been talking a lot recently. Really talking. Baring the soul kind of stuff. We had a situation with my daughter that we faced together. I really was prepared to throw up my hands in disgust. I think Jess was too. Had each of us faced the situation alone, I think that's what would have happened. But, we faced it together. That made the difference.

Anyway, that's my point. I've really learned the value of facing things with a real partner. For all you young ones out there, heed this lesson. Listen to all the old farts around you. It's easier to face life with a partner than it is alone.

Labels: advice, book, hint, life, love

Posted by Christopher at 17:05 | Permalink | Comments

Here's a bad thing about having been a medic: you learn to never be absolute in what you say. You're often taught to never say anything you can't guarantee. An example: you never say a patient will be fine, because you really can't be sure they will. You always try to bounce the question to someone else...

"How's my mother." "She seemed to be doing well, but you need to ask the doctor."

"Is he alive?" "Ask the nurse, she can tell you more."

In short, it's always a pass the buck deal. This can be really bad, if you adopt that in your daily communications. For me, I am always aware that I never fully know anything. Jess, my wife, says I always leave a 2 percent loop-hole. Every time I speak, I always leave a way out.

As you can imagine, this causes a bit of frustration on her part. But, it also frustrates me. For me, being such a closed person, I've learned to never really say anything. And, when I am saying something, I rarely say what is actually on my mind.

If tomorrow never comes, however, you really should be sure that what you say reflects what you feel. Or, at the very least, it should reflect reality. Sure, there are times when it's best to say nothing. Like every one's mother used to say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

But, what happens when you do say something; when that something is exactly what you feel or think?

There are many times now, that what I say is not heard. I remember my father. He would raise an issue once, then drop it. He'd leave whomever to fall on their face. It wasn't because he was an unkind man. It was simply that he had learned something, one of the few lessons he was able to teach me. People just don't listen. He didn't speak much. It wasn't because he was incapable of expressing himself. It was because people just wouldn't listen to what he had to say.

I find myself in that situation a lot. Sure, there are times I keep my mouth shut. Times when I won't say something, because I know it will make a situation worse. But there are many more times when I do say something. I say what I mean. I may not always say it well, but I do say it. And yet, what I say is not heard. So, like my father, I just don't say it all that much.

Because, really, what's the point of talking, if no one is going to listen? I've told various people in my life that I don't talk just to hear myself speak. I'm not really all that fond of my voice. When I talk, I want it to mean something. I then get frustrated with people when they don't listen, don't believe what it is I'm saying.

And, that's the crux of the matter. Because, when you think about it, I'm being a bit of a hypocrite... If so much of my speech is non-specific, how can I expect people to know when it is I am being specific? It's something to really ponder. When you speak, it really should mean something. Not only might those words be your very last, but it's your opportunity to express yourself. I think if people speak, the words should hold some value. Hell, that's why we all hate politicians: everyone knows what they say is nothing but hot air.

There's another component to it. The ability to communicate is often at the core learning to trust someone. Humans communicate in a variety of ways: spoken language, body language, the written form, etc. An article about trust I recently read sums it up fairly well:

But what is trust? It could be said that it is a sensation, a hunch, a gut feeling. However, it is possible to be more precise. It can be claimed that trust is simultaneously a bodily sensation, an emotion and a linguistic phenomenon (a. judgement or an opinion). A gut feeling can be the emotional and bodily component of trust, and not being able to articulate it simply means we have not yet developed the linguistic component.

...

We develop a reputation for being trustworthy or untrustworthy through our actions. Much of this reputation comes from how we enter into making arrangements and being dependable around the agreements and commitments we make. Do our actions match our words?

It's something I've been trying to teach my daughter. Your actions reveal who you are. If your actions don't match your words (or your words don't match your actions), you erode trust. Once the trust starts to erode, people believe what you say less. It becomes a vicious cycle, which is very hard to escape.

And, I guess that's what it comes down to for me. What I'm trying to say is, I understand (more than most) the importance of not saying certain things. But, when one does speak, it's very important that one's words and actions are in alignment. For me it's a very difficult thing to do, because I understand how transient certain things can be. But, at the same time, I don't talk to hear my own voice. Otherwise, it all just becomes hot air anyway...

Labels: book, life, rant

Posted by Christopher at 07:58 | Permalink | Comments

Time is a funny thing. It can work for you, or it can work against you. Which way it goes, depends on how you handle it. Or, more accurately, when and how you spend it. If you squander it, you'll soon discover that it works against you.

I've read the Rich Dad books, written by Kiyosaki. First, I'd recommend them to just about anyone. Some 20% of the books are advertisements for his products. But, there is a lot of good stuff in them. At the very least, reading even the first, Rich Dad, Poor Dad, will give you new ways of looking at things.

In his book, Kiyosaki raises a very interesting question: "What is the most valuable resource (commodity) in existence?" The answer to that question is simple: time. Time is the one thing, once spent, can never be regained. When it's gone, it's gone.

The point Kiyosaki makes is, if you waste time, you're screwed. This is especially important with finances. If you don't pay when you're young, you'll pay when you're old.

Sooner or later, you do your time. When you do it, is up to you.

I have the pleasure of being the father of a 15yo girl. She's a pretty decent kid, with a decent head on her shoulders. The trouble is, she's discovered boys. Not, necessarily a bad thing, but she's now putting them ahead of everything else.

Some two weeks ago, she fought with Jess and myself about taking the NYS Regents exam for her grade. She whined and cried that she couldn't do it. First, I have to say something my ex used to say, "Can't means you won't. Won't means you're lazy." My daughter likes to do that a lot though, shed crocodile tears over something, so she doesn't have to do it.

Now, she has the chance to go camping with family members, and go to Washington, D.C. She's eking out of it, because (I think) it will mean a week apart from her current beau. (She's had four or five in the past two months.)

Ok, so I get it. I hate to be apart from Jess. Jess and I are one of those couples. You know the ones; they're together all the time. Joined at the hip. I always thought those couples were pathetic. But, really, my daughter is a bit young to even know what love is, let alone to have found it.

So, back on topic. To snake out of the family trip (which I think would be a good thing), she's citing the Regents exam which will be on the 16th. Now, mind you, she's not studied for this test. Instead, she's spent all her time with the beau d'jour.

Two weeks ago, she fought tooth and nail that she couldn't pass. Now she doesn't want to. Only now, she wants to use it as an excuse. During that fight, I finally got tired of it. I told her it was completely up to her. She's 15. In a few short years, she'll be out in the world. The decisions she's making now will affect her for the rest of her life. She's the one that will have to live with the consequences.

And that's where I'm going with this. She's at the point where she has a choice. She can do her time now. Get it over with. Work now. Or, she can goof off now. Be part of the cool crowd, or whatever. Then, twenty years from now, she can be scraping just to get by.

This is personal experience for me. I'm pushing 40. I'm now in a career I could have easily started some 15 years ago. In five years, the Good Lord willing, I'll be making six figures. I'll have changed my entire financial position. The problem is, I starved the last 15 years. I could have been doing this then. Which means, I'd be fucking retired by now.

Mind you, I'm happy with where I'm now. I just wish I could have gotten here much sooner.

So, that's what I'm saying here. Soon or late, you'll do your time. Do it now, before it's too late.

Labels: advice, book, life, time

Posted by Christopher at 11:41 | Permalink | Comments

I've been tossing a phrase around lately: emotional blackmail. I'm not sure if the phrase has an official meaning or not. If it does, it may or may not relate to how I use the phrase. Read: I'm too lazy to bother Googling (??) it. Too lazy to bother Googling that too...

Anyway...

Emotional blackmail is, to me, is the act of people using your emotions against you in an attempt to coerce you into actions they wish you to take. (Whew, that was a mouthful.) I think mothers are a master at this. It's the old ploy, "I gave birth to you, how could you do that..." There are others: "If you loved me...", "Do this or I won't talk to you...", etc. Basically, do x or you will suffer y where y is a consequence based on emotion (as opposed to financial or physical consequences).

A lot of the changes I've made in my life over the past two years have been done to remove sources of emotional blackmail from life. By and large, I have been fairly successful. The result has been a vast improvement in my self esteem. I'm happier now. I feel better. Things around me, in general, are much better than they were. There's less stress in my life.

It's early, and I'm tired, so I don't think I'm going to really go too far with this. I just wanted to throw it out. Let my (all of) two readers know that emotional blackmail is a Bad Thing. If you find that you're involved in a relationship where this regularly occurs, you should probably evaluate said relationship.

My ex constantly used it. I acquiesced to the point that it was having real, physical and mental consequences. I was feeling like ass, and thinking some very not good thoughts. She still tries to use it. Though, lately, I've responded to it less. There is still a tendency to submit to the bullying. But, I've also noticed, the less I submit, the better things become.

My mother and her significant other use it too. In not yielding to their blackmail, I've suffered negative, financial consequences. Pretty harsh ones, at that.

Jess is dealing with it from many of her friends (sic). They have reduced (or eliminated) their contact with her, based on her involvement with me. My daughter deals with it all the time, in the form of peer pressure. Her peers treat her like ass, if she chooses not to conform.

I guess, what I'm saying is pretty simple: if people feel the need to treat you like that, or to use your feelins against you, are they really friends? Do they really deserve to have that power over you?

In looking at my situation, I feel better about myself. That's what it comes down to for me: that I feel better about myself. I don't allow others (or I try not to at least) the power to dictate how I feel about my life, and myself. It's made quite a difference. Sure, it's cost me (things), but it's gained me so much more...

Labels: book, life

Posted by Christopher at 04:17 | Permalink | Comments

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

That saying irritates me. I think it irritates me, because it's true. But, I don't think people realize how true it is. And yet, at the same time, it's not true. Far from it, in fact.

On Family...

Ok, so you really can't choose your family. They are who they are, and you're stuck with them. Good for you, if you drew a good family. More's the pitty if you didn't.

There's a lot of idioms about this topic. Blood is thicker than water, is a popular one. People are saying that family are the most important. Familial bonds override all others. And yet, you can't choose your family.

So, what constitutes family? It's those people you're related to by birth. It doesn't matter what kind of person they are. So, why is it so important you stick with them. What if they're a bunch of assholes? What if they don't have your best interests at heart? Is it reasonable for you to place them above all others? I'm not so sure.

Now, if we take that blood is thicker than water, isn't it a two-way street? Shouldn't family be there to back you up, no matter the circumstances? If they don't, can they really be considered family? I think the implication is that family should share unconditional love. What, then, if your family places conditions on its love?

On Friends...

Friends are different. Often, one can form closer bonds with friends than with one's own family. Afterall, you have the opportunity to select your friends. You can interview them, spend time with them, see if you like them. If they pass the test, then they can stay. If not, you drop them.

What is a friend anyway? I've always thought that a friend (something more than an acquaintance) is someone you've shared time with. Someone who looks out for your best interests. Someone who sticks with you, even when you're not at your best.

I think, though, it's acceptable for limits to be placed on friendship. It's expected.

Some Thoughts...

Jess and I have been tossing this subject around quite a bit. She and I have different views on what constitutes family and friendship, on how one interracts with them, and on what to do if they're not all they're supposed to be.

Speaking of my family, they're not bad people. They've helped me out quite a bit. I've helped them out. I will forever be greatful for the things they've done, along with the times they've had my back. And yet, I've recently discovered that my family and I have reached the limits of those bonds. Once I took my life in my own hands, I started to see that their dedication had their limits. Their love came with conditions.

Friends are a different topic for me. I have very few friends. I'd like to think it's because I am very selective of my friends. More likely, it's because I'm very abrasive. Either way, there are few people in my life which are considered friends. There have been several which came close, but were discarded for one reason or another.

The Problem...

One problem I've encountered recently is this: what if you can't pick your friends, but you can pick your family? See, that's the situation that arises when you choose to involve yourself in a serious relationship. That other person comes with a collection of friends and with family. Unfortunately for me, I interact with the family better than with the friends. I just can't figure out why.

See, I'm that type of person that can move in all circles. I can speak on almost any level. Relate to almost any clique. Yet, for some reason, I haven't been able to integrate into Jess' clique of friends. Worse yet, there have been several friends which have abadoned her now that she's involved herself in a serious relationship. The same is true on my side. I know my involvement in a relationship has broken certain ties. Ties which, based on the above, should not have been broken.

For my part, I'm a pretty easy going type of person. There's not much which will truly irritate me. But, there are certain boundaries that are important to me. When it comes to my partner, how she's treated, how people treat our relationship, I'm very sensitive. That includes my family and friends. If they can't respect who I am and who I'm with, then are they really friends? If my family can't, are they really family?

Remember that song, When A Man Loves A Woman? In it, there's a line which reads, "He'd turn his back on his best friend, if he put her down." I'm like that. If you can't respect my partner, I have no place in my life for you. I think it's rooted in the fact that if you can't respect her, then you're not respecting me. Hence, you're not respecting my choices.

Sure, friends should be the first ones who are telling you that your'e being stupid. But, in the end, isn't being a friend more important than that? I mean, if you're a friend, isn't it more important you stick with them? Even when you think they're doing something wrong?

The Solution....

I guess I really don't have one to this situation. For me, selecting a partner is that one chance you have to select family. You're essentially declaring that person as family. It's the one chance you have to say this person is blood, and I have made them so. To my friends, you'll either accept it, live with it, or not. But, in the end, if you don't like it, I don't care.

And, if your friends choose not to accept your partner, what does that say about them? Are they really friends? Is it fair for them to treat you in a certain way, because you have made a choice to be happy?

For me, I think the solution lies in defining your boundaries. What is and is not acceptable to you. But, in the end, I just don't understand how someone can call themselves a friend, and not be supportive of live decisions. Worse yet what if it's family who aren't supporting your decisions?

For me, I guess, the solution is simple. I cut those people out of my life. It's too short to deal with people who aren't going to support me. And, I have no problem not having them in my life. So, I know where I'm going, and (roughly) how I'm going to get there.

And that's it in a nutshell. You're either with me, or you're against me. It's as simple as that.

Labels: advice, book, friends, love

Posted by Christopher at 08:39 | Permalink | Comments

Have you ever thought about something which might happen? How you might react to it? How you would handle it? What you would think, do, say if it ever happened? How you would feel? You know it's a possibility. The strange thing is, no matter how much you think about it, you never really know. That is, until you are faced with the situation.

There are professions which are oriented around that paradigm. Soldiers are a good example. Basic training, combat training, and the rest are geared towards programming someone to react in a given way to a given set of circumstances. Yet, with all the training, there is still the soldier that will freeze in a combat situation. Let's face it, simulation isn't real life.

The concept can be applied to more ethereal concepts. How does one feel about abortion? Murder with cause? Assisted suicide? The death of a loved one? Lust vs love? Infidelity?

Let's face it. It's easy to be an arm-chair quarterback. It's easy to look at a situation from the outside, and give an objective opinion. Once you become involved, it becomes more complex. It's easy to say, "If happens, I'll be ok with it." "If happens, I'd do this." But, until actually happens (or looks like it's going to happen) to you, there's simply know way to know.

So, what to do about such a situation? I'm not really sure. Imho, there's no real way to be sure, until the metal hits the meat.

Situations...

When I split with my Ex, I had decided a couple things. I knew that I would want another relationship. Life is too much fun to be alone. Rather, I think it's more fun to share it with someone.

Yet, at the same time, I also knew I wouldn't be getting emotionally involved. In fact, I have never really been emotionally involved. I mean, I have to an extent. But there has always been a part of me that was removed from the situation. Some part of me that was apart enough to allow me the ability to disconnect. I never thought I'd give that up, yet I have. It's been a good thing. Truly.

When it came to treating patients, I was excellent in the field. There wasn't a situation that could be thrown at me that would rattle me. I always responded as my training dictated. Unless, of course, I knew the training hadn't fully prepared me. Then, I'd come up with my own solution. Still, I was never rattled.

Circumstances

So. Why the difference? I think it's a matter of emotional involvement. And, I think there's something more to it: Circumstances matter. It's never possible to anticipate all the factors surrounding a given situation. The circumstances change, affect things, make a difference. It's up to you to decide how the circumstances affect a situation. More to the point, it's up to you to decide how you will react.

One of my favorite television shows is Battlestar Galactica. There's a scene in BSG, in which the one of the leads, Cmdr. Adama, is talking about an incident. They had ordered a large civilian ship destroyed. There was good cause for the order. He summed it up by saying he hoped his superior would understand that circumstances matter."

There's a situation that's been on my mind. How I thought I'd react, and how I actually did react are two completely different things. The differences aren't bad, they're just, well, different. I think the difference in my reaction is that the circumstances changed. That is to say, what I thought the circumstances would be, weren't. Again, circumstances matter.

So what's the point?

That's one of the things I think that Taoism tries to teach. Keep an open mind. Preconceived notions can screw you. You also have to recognize that circumstances change. How they change can dramatically affect how you respond to a situation.

On the flip-side. When people don't react the way you think they should, consider the circumstances of their situation. It's easy to judge, because you weren't involved. It's the involvement that makes all the difference.

Labels: advice, book, life

Posted by Christopher at 10:33 | Permalink | Comments

I love Balthasar Gracian. The man wasn't terribly original. He often contradicted himself. Yet, a lot of his aphorisms can really make you think. Well, make you think if you're the thinking type. I think I am the thinking type. (I guess I should mention that I've been coding for about twenty hours. My eyes and brain are a little fried. -- Oh, and I haven't slept much in two days. Whee!!!)

So, I try to meditate (medicate?) on one or two of Gracian's aphorisms a day. By try, I mean I actually get around to do it about once a week or so. But hey, it's the thought that counts, right? So, for various reasons, I have some time on my hands. That makes for some reading and meditating. Which brings me to...

258: Find out some one to share your Troubles.
You will never be all alone, even in dangers, nor bear all the burden of hate. Some think by their high position to carry off the whole glory of success, and have to bear the whole humiliation of defeat. In this way they have none to excuse them, none to share the blame. Neither fate nor the mob are so bold against two. Hence the wise physician, if he has failed to cure, looks out for some one who, under the name of a consultation, may help him carry out, the corpse. Share weight and woe, for misfortune falls with double force on him that stands alone.

Ok, I know. I've been pushing the relationship thing pretty hard in my last few posts. There's reason for that. I'm in one. Imagine that. In a pretty good one, actually. It has ups and downs, as with any relationship. But, overall, it's been pretty good.

See, for me, I feel I've managed to do just that. I've found someone to share my troubles. She's a decent sort, but she has issues. Then again, the same can be said of me. Actually, it can be said of anyone. But, in the end, I've found The One with whom I can share my troubles.

I've often said that it's the bad times, not the good times, which define a relationship. Anyone can be a friend when things are going well. Anyone can be in love, as long as things are perfect. It's easy. The good times are just that: good. That means they're often not very hard.

The bad times. Now, there's the difference. When you're down, when the world is going against you, when your luck has run out; that's when you find out who your friends really are. That's when you find out if your partner has the salt to stick with it.

Which is where Gracian is coming from, I think. Not just someone to share the blame. But someone to share the weight. Taking on too much can crush any man (or woman). Finding that person to share that weight with, who will do it no matter what, can make all the difference.

I've managed to find my partner. We've gone through some interesting times. But, in the end, she's that one I can share the troubles with. She tends not to share as much with me, but I like to think that I take some of the weight off her as well. Truly, it's made all the difference for me.

Labels: advice, book, gracian, life

Posted by Christopher at 20:16 | Permalink | Comments

So, I had a pretty good weekend. Actually, it was an excellent weekend. But, here's the thing, I really didn't do anything. That is to say, I did, but I didn't. Heh.

See, I spent the entire weekend with Jessica. We didn't do anything special. No fancy date stuff. We just spent time together. I'm not even sure we watched an entire movie. I think, actually, the most we did was sleep. And yes, I mean sleep, for all you dirty-minded types out there. Hell, we didn't roll out of bed until 11:00am on Saturday. And that was only because the phone rang.

Ok, so I'm sure most of you reading this are thinking that sounds lame. And yeah, I guess in a way it does. But, it wasn't. Here's why...

I think one of the things couples often forget to do is what we did: spend time together. Take the time to be together, without the stress of the world. Talk. Cuddle some. Relax. So many people try to make things exciting, and that might even be their thing. But the pace of life is such that, it tends to distract you from some really important things.

Jess and I really have the same thoughts on traditional dating. Take your "typical" date, a dinner and a movie. The dinner part involves something called eating. Now, if you were raised with any kind of manners, that means you're not talking (at least not with your mouth full). So, you're basically (as Jess put it) watching someone shovel food into their mouth. Then there's a movie. Unless you're one of those really annoying types, that's another two-ish hours of not talking. So, you've just burned four-ish hours with someone. If you're lucky, you've managed to get in thirty odd minutes of real talk-time.

That's lame. It's not going to really help you get to know the other person if this is your first date. And it's really something of a show anyway. Who out there really shows their real self on a date? It's more of an interview process. You put on your best face, in hopes of impressing the other person.

Worse is when you're an established couple. Depending on the factors of life, you might not be getting all that much time with the other person. Then, you're going to spend what time you do get not talking. Again, lame.

Don't get me wrong. The dinner-and-a-movie thing can be really cool. A chance to get out and relax. But still, you're not going to be getting much real time with one another.

So, what Jess and I did was spend time together. We talked, played (sorry for the finger, Jess), sniped at one another, cuddled, slept, etc. We went for a walk, sat by the lake and talked. Went back to her place. Talked. Went to her parents. Talked. Get the picture?

We got back on track in many ways. Our relationship is based on friendship. As time goes on, we get distracted by life, and forget to nourish that friendship. When that happens, the relationship suffers. Taking the time as we did this weekend, we really recenter that friendship.

So, I guess what I'm saying with this entire thing is try taking time out for the ones you love. It's so easy to become distracted. So easy to forget to even tell your significant other how you feel. You really want to rekindle the romance? Take the time to be together, just to feed the friendship.

For me, the past weekend was amazing. Not because anything special was done, but because we took the time to be with each other.

Labels: advice, book, friends, life, love, time

Posted by Christopher at 20:21 | Permalink | Comments

My life has been, to use my Partner's usage, interesting, as of late. I guess that's why my last few posts have been about life and love. Over the past year, I've had to come to terms with several things: my definition of myself, boundaries which are important to me, how I feel about things and people, what's important to me, etc.

I'm not sure why, but a recent event brought to the front of my mind the concept of debts. Debts are interesting things. Rather, how one handles one's debts is what is interesting. Some people give great weight to their debts. Others shrug them off, with little concern. For me, there have always been two kinds of debts: material and honorable.

Material debts are pretty easy to sort out. Hell, I never lend money I cannot afford to give. That way, if I never see it again, no worries. You borrow something from someone, you return it. They perform a service for you, you repay them in kind; either with another service, or with money. It's always the guy who holds the marker that has the right to call in that debt. If you're a decent sort, you pay up. If not, well...

But it's the debts of honor that, I think, are one of the things which defines who we are as a person. If you say you're going to do something, you do it. If you fail to follow through, you loose something of your reputation; something of your honor. Likewise, if someone indebted themselves to you, it behooves them to make things right. To repay the debt.

But, here's the thing. Sometimes it's nice to do things without expectation of repayment. It's nice to do for someone, just to do. It's a subtle way of saying, "Hey, I care." Sure, Scrooge would have no problem tracking debts. But, I think it's nicer when people stop worrying about who owes whom. The world becomes a nicer place when you just do what's good, or what's right. No expectations.

Which leads me to another concept...

What if you've injured someone? Are you then beholden to repay that person? Doesn't it become, after a fashion, a debt of honor? Whether you repay it, how you repay it, defines who and what you are as a person. Sometimes all that is required is a simple apology, a simple acknowledgement that a wrong was done. Sometimes more is required.

The question then is this: Who determines the debt? When you say, "I owe you one." Who is to say what is owed, how much is owed? When you wrong someone, isn't it up to them to determine the extent of the injury? And, what if the other person really doesn't care? What if they've determined that no debt exists?

That's where I'm at with one particular situation in my life. I was wronged, in a way. But ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, it was not a big deal for me. I thought about the situation for a bit, and decided that there was no real debt. In days of old, the Knight would have been released from his debt, and things would have been forgotten.

Which leads me to forgiveness...

Really, there's not much point in holding a grudge. All grudges do is eat you up. They can turn things bitter. Sour. That's why the concept of forgiveness is such an important thing. Does forgiving mean forgetting? No. Forgiving just simply means that you have decided to not hold that grudge. To release the other person from their debt, so to speak.

My situation...

All this applies to my situation in that, the wrong done really was not that important to me. As I said, in the grand scheme of things, it really didn't damage anything. It was a hiccup. Nothing more, nothing less. I have forgiven; given up any feelings of hurt there may have been. I have released that debt, because it was paid. I received my apology, and am quite content with it. Water under the bridge, so to speak. And yet, the debtor cannot see that. As far as I'm concerned, shit happens. It's done. The the debtor seems to want to cling to it.

You see, life is too short to not enjoy it. It's too short to hold on to the past. Sure, we need to learn from the past. Sometimes the past changes us. But ultimately, we need to live in the today. Live for the future. Now, this perceived debt threatens the very future that I wanted. I don't understand why, because as far as I'm concerned it's in the past. Worse things have been done. It's really such a small thing, when compared with what can be, with the possibilities.

So...

Consider that the next time you find yourself in a situation. When someone does something, remember the big picture. Remember that people make mistakes. We're human. It's going to happen. But, when someone accepts your apology, be gracious. When you wrong someone, and they accept your apology, move on.

When I did something wrong, my father always used to ask, "So, what did you learn from this?" I guess that's what I'm really getting at. If you make a mistake, and you learn from it, then it's a Good Thing. Providing, of course, you don't turn it into a larger mistake.

Or, as Balthasar Gracian put it:

214 - Do not turn one Blunder into two. It is quite usual to commit four others in order to remedy one, or to excuse one piece of impertinence by still another. Folly is either related to, or identical with the family of Lies, for in both cases it needs many to support one. The worst of a bad case is having to fight it, and worse than the ill itself is not being able to conceal it. The annuity of one failing serves to support many others. A wise man may make one slip but never two, and that only in running, not while standing still.

Labels: advice, book, life

Posted by Christopher at 12:33 | Permalink | Comments

Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

That's something they teach you in emergency services. The corollary to that is to protect yourself first, so that you can help others. If you enter a scene which is dangerous, you can become a casualty. Now, someone else has to not just save the original patient, but save your dumb ass as well.

Many twelve-step programs preach the same thing. Fix yourself. Put yourself first. Know yourself. Then, you can get on with concentrating on other people.

I guess it's something of a selfish attitude. But it does make sense if you really think about it. Make sure you're ok, you are in a good spot. If you don't, you can never really help other people. In fact, you can often become part of the problem.

Moderation in everything, however. Having a 'me first' attitude can be taken too far. If you don't temper your actions with compassion and wisdom, you will fail as much as anyone. That's best summed up by Balthasar Gracian, in his sixteenth aphorism:

Knowledge and good intentions together ensure continuance of success. A fine intellect wedded to a wicked will was always an unnatural monster. A wicked will envenoms all excellences: helped by knowledge it only ruins with greater subtlety. ’Tis a miserable superiority that only results in ruin. Knowledge without sense is double folly.

The trick is to not be greedy or selfish. Rather, it is to ensure that you are in a good spot to be of value. More so if others rely on you. If you cannot get yourself on the right track, how can you ever hope to help and support others. Those that rely upon you will fail if you fail.

Sometimes, I think, that means going against the crowd. Sometimes it means making moves that will put you in a better position in the future. If you never get out of the rut you're in, you'll always be there. Obvious I know, but people stay in that rut all too often. It just requires strength at times to make the choices necessary.

Labels: advice, book, life

Posted by Christopher at 14:02 | Permalink | Comments

When I was training to be a paramedic, I learned a phrase: paradigm paralysis. Paradigm paralysis is a fancy way of saying tunnel vision. I use that phrase a lot from time to time. I use it to describe myself, other people, and situations in general. Everything we perceive is filtered by paradigms; by what we know (or think we know).

Paradigms are not bad things. They help us filter through the chaff. They affect how we perceive everything. Our experiences, our knowledge, and our instinct all combine to allow us to function in the world. But, they can also cripple us.

For me, the essence of Taoism is overcoming paradigm paralysis. It's being able to see that there are, or might be, possibilities we haven't considered. It's being able to think outside the box, or even discard the box. Paradigms can lock us into situations. Sometimes, we need to break those paradigms so we can grow. The child-like mind; the ability to see things as a child. No rules, no limits.

When you treat a patient, if you allow paradigm paralysis to creep in, you can overlook something vital. The ability to asses the patient, the whole patient, is vital. You have to approach the situation with an open mind. That allows you to effectively treat the patient's problems. If you don't, and you miss something, you could lose the patient.

All I'm really saying in this post is that it's important to review our paradigms. To consider if they are holding us back, or helping us. Keeping a mind open to possibilities allows us to see what we might not have considered. Virtually every great achievement of man had their nay-sayers. People who suffered from paradigm paralysis, who couldn't see what could be. The truly great people throughout history were able to see beyond the paradigms; to see into what could be.

So, try to keep that in mind as you look around yourself. Time and tide changes all men. If you maintain your paradigms, you will miss the change. You'll miss the possibility of growing.

Labels: advice, book, life

Posted by Christopher at 08:07 | Permalink | Comments

Every once in a while, I listen to "educational" radio. That is to say, I'll turn on NPR News. Sometimes I'll even listed to the Family Life Network. It was one such radio-scanning day that I stopped on FLN when I heard a very powerful thing: Sooner or later, everyone gets the chance to say their final words.

Think about that. I mean, really think about that. Sooner or later, everyone gets the chance to say their final words.

When we're young, we think we're bullet-proof. Nothing can hurt us. We'll never die. We have all the time in the world. As we age, that viewpoint changes some. We get aches and pains, we don't recover from hangovers as quickly, we need naps. We even start to recognize that the end is coming. Death is unavoidable. It's the basic fact of life. So, soon or late, we will say our final words.

And yet, I think we forget that basic fact. We go through our lives, fall into a routine, and don't consider that each moment might be our last. We become so absorbed in the daily routine, we forget to take time to really appreciate what is going on around us. How sad is that?

The day before my father died, he had come down to play cards. We were up the entire night, playing cards and chatting. The entire summer before his death was spent much the same way. I wasn't working much. So, we were able to connect. Really connect, the way a father and son should. The last thing I told him was that he should go see a doctor. It wasn't that I loved him.

My Partner lost someone very close to her. Before we met, she was involved with someone. Really involved. That relationship was cut short. She never had the chance to really explore where it might go. I know she has regrets about it, just as I do my father.

She and I, along with so many others, had the chance to say our last words to those two. And yet, we never really considered that they would be the last words. Many times, now, I still say things without considering that they could be my final words.

Garth Brooks did a great cover of the song, If Tomorrow Never Comes. If you haven't heard the song, listen to it. It carries the same message. If you die, will those around you really know how you felt?

So, that's the point of this post. I wanted to pass that message along. Soon or late, you will say your final words. What do you want them to be? Have you taken the time to tell those close to you how you really feel? Does that special someone in your life really know?

Labels: book, life

Posted by Christopher at 00:31 | Permalink | Comments

I have been talking about writing a book for some time. More than a few have said I should. However, procrastination and laziness have always combined to curtail any serious notions of actually writing the book. This blog should change that. At least, I hope it will. The only problem in doing it this way is that I can kiss those millions good-bye.

One of the topics I wanted to cover in the book was relationships; romantic ones. The, find-your-life-mate ones. And a big part of relationships is something no one ever thinks about. You know... sex.

Here's my sex advice to every teen who might bother to read this blog: don't do it. Stay faaaar away from it. And, in case you didn't catch it, DON'T DO IT.

Don't get me wrong. Sex is great. It's the most fun you can have with your body accompanied by another (some do it alone, but that's a whooole nother topic). At least, I think it is. I'm sure there are those out there who might think differently. But, for me, nothing else comes to mind.

My partner mentioned it's also closest you can get to another person (physically). That's true too. There's really no other way to get as close as you get (again, we're talking physically), than being intimate with another person. When it's combined with the right emotions, it's completely amazing.

But, there's a catch.

It can consume you. It can be addicting. It can lead you into relationships that are destructive. It can be misinterpreted as love. It's the last that's the most dangerous. All too often, people mistake lust for love. That, is a true tragedy. Because, as I've recently learned, there's a vast difference between lust and love.

I need to say that again... There is a vast difference between lust and love.

The irony, for me, is that I've always confused the two. It led to my being involved in a marriage for far longer than I should have been. It is also one of the major causes for the destruction of the marriage. I misinterpreted lust for love. Sex was the end-all, be-all for me. That drive for sex caught me in a relationship that bore children, and ruined who I was.

Now, I face the task of extricating myself from said marriage. Three children will be damaged. Hell, they already are; bad marriages have a way of hurting kids. It will wound those around me. It will have life-long affects that I can't even anticipate at this moment.

That's not good.

Ironically, I'm now involved in a relationship that is based on friendship and love. That's how it started; she and I became friends. Best friends. Then, somewhere along the way, we fell in love. It has been completely amazing. I've never known anyone like this woman. She makes me a better person (yes, I know that's cliche). When I'm with her, the world is a better place.

But, it's the results of the previous infatuation with sex that cause problems with this relationship. I have kids. She's not interested in becoming a surrogate mother. I have an ex, and am trying to get a divorce. It affects her more than she lets on.

So, the time that I manage to get lucky enough to find The One, there's a fair chance I could lose it... All because of sex.

Something to think about...

Labels: advice, book, sex

Posted by Christopher at 19:23 | Permalink | Comments