Whee! Ima Taoist?

So, I had a pretty good weekend. Actually, it was an excellent weekend. But, here's the thing, I really didn't do anything. That is to say, I did, but I didn't. Heh.

See, I spent the entire weekend with Jessica. We didn't do anything special. No fancy date stuff. We just spent time together. I'm not even sure we watched an entire movie. I think, actually, the most we did was sleep. And yes, I mean sleep, for all you dirty-minded types out there. Hell, we didn't roll out of bed until 11:00am on Saturday. And that was only because the phone rang.

Ok, so I'm sure most of you reading this are thinking that sounds lame. And yeah, I guess in a way it does. But, it wasn't. Here's why...

I think one of the things couples often forget to do is what we did: spend time together. Take the time to be together, without the stress of the world. Talk. Cuddle some. Relax. So many people try to make things exciting, and that might even be their thing. But the pace of life is such that, it tends to distract you from some really important things.

Jess and I really have the same thoughts on traditional dating. Take your "typical" date, a dinner and a movie. The dinner part involves something called eating. Now, if you were raised with any kind of manners, that means you're not talking (at least not with your mouth full). So, you're basically (as Jess put it) watching someone shovel food into their mouth. Then there's a movie. Unless you're one of those really annoying types, that's another two-ish hours of not talking. So, you've just burned four-ish hours with someone. If you're lucky, you've managed to get in thirty odd minutes of real talk-time.

That's lame. It's not going to really help you get to know the other person if this is your first date. And it's really something of a show anyway. Who out there really shows their real self on a date? It's more of an interview process. You put on your best face, in hopes of impressing the other person.

Worse is when you're an established couple. Depending on the factors of life, you might not be getting all that much time with the other person. Then, you're going to spend what time you do get not talking. Again, lame.

Don't get me wrong. The dinner-and-a-movie thing can be really cool. A chance to get out and relax. But still, you're not going to be getting much real time with one another.

So, what Jess and I did was spend time together. We talked, played (sorry for the finger, Jess), sniped at one another, cuddled, slept, etc. We went for a walk, sat by the lake and talked. Went back to her place. Talked. Went to her parents. Talked. Get the picture?

We got back on track in many ways. Our relationship is based on friendship. As time goes on, we get distracted by life, and forget to nourish that friendship. When that happens, the relationship suffers. Taking the time as we did this weekend, we really recenter that friendship.

So, I guess what I'm saying with this entire thing is try taking time out for the ones you love. It's so easy to become distracted. So easy to forget to even tell your significant other how you feel. You really want to rekindle the romance? Take the time to be together, just to feed the friendship.

For me, the past weekend was amazing. Not because anything special was done, but because we took the time to be with each other.

Labels: advice, book, friends, life, love, time

Posted by Christopher at 20:21 | Permalink | Comments

My life has been, to use my Partner's usage, interesting, as of late. I guess that's why my last few posts have been about life and love. Over the past year, I've had to come to terms with several things: my definition of myself, boundaries which are important to me, how I feel about things and people, what's important to me, etc.

I'm not sure why, but a recent event brought to the front of my mind the concept of debts. Debts are interesting things. Rather, how one handles one's debts is what is interesting. Some people give great weight to their debts. Others shrug them off, with little concern. For me, there have always been two kinds of debts: material and honorable.

Material debts are pretty easy to sort out. Hell, I never lend money I cannot afford to give. That way, if I never see it again, no worries. You borrow something from someone, you return it. They perform a service for you, you repay them in kind; either with another service, or with money. It's always the guy who holds the marker that has the right to call in that debt. If you're a decent sort, you pay up. If not, well...

But it's the debts of honor that, I think, are one of the things which defines who we are as a person. If you say you're going to do something, you do it. If you fail to follow through, you loose something of your reputation; something of your honor. Likewise, if someone indebted themselves to you, it behooves them to make things right. To repay the debt.

But, here's the thing. Sometimes it's nice to do things without expectation of repayment. It's nice to do for someone, just to do. It's a subtle way of saying, "Hey, I care." Sure, Scrooge would have no problem tracking debts. But, I think it's nicer when people stop worrying about who owes whom. The world becomes a nicer place when you just do what's good, or what's right. No expectations.

Which leads me to another concept...

What if you've injured someone? Are you then beholden to repay that person? Doesn't it become, after a fashion, a debt of honor? Whether you repay it, how you repay it, defines who and what you are as a person. Sometimes all that is required is a simple apology, a simple acknowledgement that a wrong was done. Sometimes more is required.

The question then is this: Who determines the debt? When you say, "I owe you one." Who is to say what is owed, how much is owed? When you wrong someone, isn't it up to them to determine the extent of the injury? And, what if the other person really doesn't care? What if they've determined that no debt exists?

That's where I'm at with one particular situation in my life. I was wronged, in a way. But ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, it was not a big deal for me. I thought about the situation for a bit, and decided that there was no real debt. In days of old, the Knight would have been released from his debt, and things would have been forgotten.

Which leads me to forgiveness...

Really, there's not much point in holding a grudge. All grudges do is eat you up. They can turn things bitter. Sour. That's why the concept of forgiveness is such an important thing. Does forgiving mean forgetting? No. Forgiving just simply means that you have decided to not hold that grudge. To release the other person from their debt, so to speak.

My situation...

All this applies to my situation in that, the wrong done really was not that important to me. As I said, in the grand scheme of things, it really didn't damage anything. It was a hiccup. Nothing more, nothing less. I have forgiven; given up any feelings of hurt there may have been. I have released that debt, because it was paid. I received my apology, and am quite content with it. Water under the bridge, so to speak. And yet, the debtor cannot see that. As far as I'm concerned, shit happens. It's done. The the debtor seems to want to cling to it.

You see, life is too short to not enjoy it. It's too short to hold on to the past. Sure, we need to learn from the past. Sometimes the past changes us. But ultimately, we need to live in the today. Live for the future. Now, this perceived debt threatens the very future that I wanted. I don't understand why, because as far as I'm concerned it's in the past. Worse things have been done. It's really such a small thing, when compared with what can be, with the possibilities.

So...

Consider that the next time you find yourself in a situation. When someone does something, remember the big picture. Remember that people make mistakes. We're human. It's going to happen. But, when someone accepts your apology, be gracious. When you wrong someone, and they accept your apology, move on.

When I did something wrong, my father always used to ask, "So, what did you learn from this?" I guess that's what I'm really getting at. If you make a mistake, and you learn from it, then it's a Good Thing. Providing, of course, you don't turn it into a larger mistake.

Or, as Balthasar Gracian put it:

214 - Do not turn one Blunder into two. It is quite usual to commit four others in order to remedy one, or to excuse one piece of impertinence by still another. Folly is either related to, or identical with the family of Lies, for in both cases it needs many to support one. The worst of a bad case is having to fight it, and worse than the ill itself is not being able to conceal it. The annuity of one failing serves to support many others. A wise man may make one slip but never two, and that only in running, not while standing still.

Labels: advice, book, life

Posted by Christopher at 12:33 | Permalink | Comments

There are things which are illusions. One is control. Another is perfection. I was originally going to talk about the first, but recent events have brought the second to the front of my mind. Addressing perfection, I thought I'd throw something out I'd heard before:

Life is not about perfection, it's about progress.

See, nothing in this life is perfect. Jobs, people, places, things, relationships. Everything has a drawback. Everything has ups and downs. This is especially true with life.

When it comes to life, it's all about making progress. Growing as a person, being in a relationship, these are two that are at the front of my mind right now. See, you'll never be perfect. I know I sure as hell ain't. But, I can make progress. I can try to be a better person, try to grow as a person, or not.

And that's what I think it all comes down to. If you expect perfection, from yourself or others, you'll be disappointed. It's just never going to happen. But, if you always try to improve, then you'll find that things aren't so bad.

Labels: advice, life

Posted by Christopher at 15:00 | Permalink | Comments

There's this girl I know. Most would call her pretty, I think she's beautiful. Some would say she's stubborn, I think she's strong. Some would say she's opinionated, I think she's thoughtful. Really, I could go on like this for hours. She's changed my world, taught me to feel. When we are apart, all I can do is pine for her. When we are together, she is all I can see. Part of me understands why we are not together all the time, but part of me doesn't. I nurse an open wound in my heart, though she doesn't see it. I long for her touch, her smile, the sound of her voice. It hurts so very much, and yet it is so amazingly good. I wish I could tell her how I feel, but I haven't the words. I wish I could change the world, so we could be together. I will talk to her soon, I will see her again. But all that I will know is that we will once again be apart. How can this be? Why is it like this? I once said that I would sell my soul for ten percent. I still would. If it were an option, I'd sign my name in blood. I'd be glad to do it. If it meant we could be together... Together more than a few nights a week... What am I supposed to do?

Labels: journal, love

Posted by Christopher at 20:36 | Permalink | Comments

Do the right thing.

How many times have you heard that? I know I've heard it more times than I care to recall.

But, here's a question... Have you noticed that, often, the people who want you to do the right thing aren't really in the loop? Not to say they aren't involved in the situation. I'm just saying they often don't have a real stake. Regardless of what you do, their life won't really be affected. They're happy to dole out advice, but seem to lose interest once they have to pony up.

I'm sorry, but that pisses me off. If you want people to do the right thing, and you want to (try to) push them into it, then stand up for what you believe. I'm not the greatest person on the planet, not by any means. But, whenever I've given advice, it's always been what I would do if I were that person.

And...

If I offered help, it was there. Yes, sometimes I've overbooked myself. Sometimes, for the little stuff, I haven't been there. But, when the chips are down and I've said you could count on me, you could. No matter what it cost me.

So...

Consider that the next time you hear those words. And consider twice, before you speak them.

Labels: rant

Posted by Christopher at 16:26 | Permalink | Comments

Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

That's something they teach you in emergency services. The corollary to that is to protect yourself first, so that you can help others. If you enter a scene which is dangerous, you can become a casualty. Now, someone else has to not just save the original patient, but save your dumb ass as well.

Many twelve-step programs preach the same thing. Fix yourself. Put yourself first. Know yourself. Then, you can get on with concentrating on other people.

I guess it's something of a selfish attitude. But it does make sense if you really think about it. Make sure you're ok, you are in a good spot. If you don't, you can never really help other people. In fact, you can often become part of the problem.

Moderation in everything, however. Having a 'me first' attitude can be taken too far. If you don't temper your actions with compassion and wisdom, you will fail as much as anyone. That's best summed up by Balthasar Gracian, in his sixteenth aphorism:

Knowledge and good intentions together ensure continuance of success. A fine intellect wedded to a wicked will was always an unnatural monster. A wicked will envenoms all excellences: helped by knowledge it only ruins with greater subtlety. ’Tis a miserable superiority that only results in ruin. Knowledge without sense is double folly.

The trick is to not be greedy or selfish. Rather, it is to ensure that you are in a good spot to be of value. More so if others rely on you. If you cannot get yourself on the right track, how can you ever hope to help and support others. Those that rely upon you will fail if you fail.

Sometimes, I think, that means going against the crowd. Sometimes it means making moves that will put you in a better position in the future. If you never get out of the rut you're in, you'll always be there. Obvious I know, but people stay in that rut all too often. It just requires strength at times to make the choices necessary.

Labels: advice, book, life

Posted by Christopher at 14:02 | Permalink | Comments

When I was training to be a paramedic, I learned a phrase: paradigm paralysis. Paradigm paralysis is a fancy way of saying tunnel vision. I use that phrase a lot from time to time. I use it to describe myself, other people, and situations in general. Everything we perceive is filtered by paradigms; by what we know (or think we know).

Paradigms are not bad things. They help us filter through the chaff. They affect how we perceive everything. Our experiences, our knowledge, and our instinct all combine to allow us to function in the world. But, they can also cripple us.

For me, the essence of Taoism is overcoming paradigm paralysis. It's being able to see that there are, or might be, possibilities we haven't considered. It's being able to think outside the box, or even discard the box. Paradigms can lock us into situations. Sometimes, we need to break those paradigms so we can grow. The child-like mind; the ability to see things as a child. No rules, no limits.

When you treat a patient, if you allow paradigm paralysis to creep in, you can overlook something vital. The ability to asses the patient, the whole patient, is vital. You have to approach the situation with an open mind. That allows you to effectively treat the patient's problems. If you don't, and you miss something, you could lose the patient.

All I'm really saying in this post is that it's important to review our paradigms. To consider if they are holding us back, or helping us. Keeping a mind open to possibilities allows us to see what we might not have considered. Virtually every great achievement of man had their nay-sayers. People who suffered from paradigm paralysis, who couldn't see what could be. The truly great people throughout history were able to see beyond the paradigms; to see into what could be.

So, try to keep that in mind as you look around yourself. Time and tide changes all men. If you maintain your paradigms, you will miss the change. You'll miss the possibility of growing.

Labels: advice, book, life

Posted by Christopher at 08:07 | Permalink | Comments

My father used to say that one of the things about being an adult was having to make decisions with no good choice. It wouldn't matter what choice you made, you'd have to live with the consequences and the regret. There's always a choice, it's just that none of the choices would be good.

Bastard. I always hated it, when he was right.

I'm at one of those crossroads in my life now. Because of my own stupidity, I am in a situation which has no real good outcome. No matter the path I take, people I care about will be negatively affected. Some, more than others.

There's an old saying I heard from an Armenian once: "A man isn't a man, until his father dies." How true that is. Because, my father passed away a few years ago, and I can't go to him for advice. So, I'm facing this decision alone. Sure, there are those around me who have given their two centavos, but it's still my choice.

Oddly enough, I've arrived at this juncture by doing the right thing. If I had been selfish early on, I wouldn't be here. Actually, if I had been selfish at any point over the past twenty years, I wouldn't be here. Each time I asked for guidance, I kept getting the same answer: stick it out; do what's right.

So, I'm not sure the choice I'm going to make. I think I am, but haven't completely decided. I hope, in the end, that everyone around me will understand the decision, and support it.

Labels: journal

Posted by Christopher at 20:48 | Permalink | Comments

Every once in a while, I listen to "educational" radio. That is to say, I'll turn on NPR News. Sometimes I'll even listed to the Family Life Network. It was one such radio-scanning day that I stopped on FLN when I heard a very powerful thing: Sooner or later, everyone gets the chance to say their final words.

Think about that. I mean, really think about that. Sooner or later, everyone gets the chance to say their final words.

When we're young, we think we're bullet-proof. Nothing can hurt us. We'll never die. We have all the time in the world. As we age, that viewpoint changes some. We get aches and pains, we don't recover from hangovers as quickly, we need naps. We even start to recognize that the end is coming. Death is unavoidable. It's the basic fact of life. So, soon or late, we will say our final words.

And yet, I think we forget that basic fact. We go through our lives, fall into a routine, and don't consider that each moment might be our last. We become so absorbed in the daily routine, we forget to take time to really appreciate what is going on around us. How sad is that?

The day before my father died, he had come down to play cards. We were up the entire night, playing cards and chatting. The entire summer before his death was spent much the same way. I wasn't working much. So, we were able to connect. Really connect, the way a father and son should. The last thing I told him was that he should go see a doctor. It wasn't that I loved him.

My Partner lost someone very close to her. Before we met, she was involved with someone. Really involved. That relationship was cut short. She never had the chance to really explore where it might go. I know she has regrets about it, just as I do my father.

She and I, along with so many others, had the chance to say our last words to those two. And yet, we never really considered that they would be the last words. Many times, now, I still say things without considering that they could be my final words.

Garth Brooks did a great cover of the song, If Tomorrow Never Comes. If you haven't heard the song, listen to it. It carries the same message. If you die, will those around you really know how you felt?

So, that's the point of this post. I wanted to pass that message along. Soon or late, you will say your final words. What do you want them to be? Have you taken the time to tell those close to you how you really feel? Does that special someone in your life really know?

Labels: book, life

Posted by Christopher at 00:31 | Permalink | Comments

I like sappy romance-comedies. I'm not sure why. Sure, there's a part of me that is a hopeless romantic. Some part of my id clings to the belief that people can find their partner, true love will conquer all, and everyone can life happily ever after.

Certainly, those movies reinforce that fantasy. Everything seems to happen so easily for the characters. Sure, they have some crisis. It seems to threaten the couple. But, in the end, they find each other, and manage to be together. It's a shame that doesn't happen in real life. Or does it?...

I think people have an innate need to be in a relationship of some kind. In the end, they want to have that partner around to share the life experience. They like the idea that there will be someone there who will share the experience, share the good and bad. They want this so badly, they often settle for something less than love. That's how my Partner phrases it, they settle. I know I did.

My failed attempt at a marriage was just that: settling. In my last post, I pointed out how so many mistake lust for love. In my case, that lust led to a pregnancy. I decided to do the "right thing", and marry the girl. Hindsight has shown me that I had taken lust over love. And yet, even then I think I knew that I was settling. I knew it wasn't love, but I still jumped into the situation. Yes, part of the reason was doing the honorable thing. But, and I think even more, it was an attempt at finding that person who I could share my life with.

I never really took the time to learn who my ex was. She was not a nice person. Don't get me wrong; I was as cruel and vile in the marriage as she. But the fundamental problem with the relationship was it was based on lust. It was never based on anything real.

There's tons of research, scores of sites, and droves of people who devote their time to helping people find that partner, that special someone. So I know people want it. They just don't seem to know how to find it. So, they poke around a bit, find something, and settle for it. They never really consider what it is they really want. They are so consumed with looking, they blind themselves to possibilities.

What do I mean? Well, as I said, I know I was looking for something. Then I mistook lust for love. The rest, as they say, is history. It wasn't until I stopped looking, removed myself from the disaster I was in, that it found me. It? Well, love.

See, I met someone. She's the only (female) person I didn't evaluate as a possible sexual partner. Instead, we started talking about my problems (with my failed relationship). From there, it progressed into talking about her problems. Then it went into talking about anything and everything else. The more we talked, the more we shared. The more we shared, the more we learned what we had in common, what we didn't, and how we complemented one another. In short, we became friends. Best friends.

Now, it's progressed to the point where we are hopelessly in love with one another. It's strange for us, because we don't fit each other's profile. She's artsy, I'm techie. She's trendy, I could care less about fashion. She's this, I'm that. But, in the end, we mesh so well with one another, it's almost scary.

So, how is it we got to this point? Oddly enough, we weren't looking for it. Neither she, nor I, were really interested in having a relationship. Yes, once the interest started, I was interested before she was. But still, it was not something that was even a possibility. So, we had the time to become friends. In the end, it's turned into something so amazing, I can't describe it.

And, I guess that's my point. As a followup to my post about lust and love, is this post. Friendship is a powerful thing. It is possible to find, and fall in love with, your best friend. The trick is, I think, to not really look for it. Make sure you're a complete person, be open to the possibility when it comes along, and the love will find you. Don't limit yourself to preconceived notions. Most importantly, don't settle.

Labels: advice, friends, love

Posted by Christopher at 23:41 | Permalink | Comments