Whee! Ima Taoist?

I've been tossing a phrase around lately: emotional blackmail. I'm not sure if the phrase has an official meaning or not. If it does, it may or may not relate to how I use the phrase. Read: I'm too lazy to bother Googling (??) it. Too lazy to bother Googling that too...

Anyway...

Emotional blackmail is, to me, is the act of people using your emotions against you in an attempt to coerce you into actions they wish you to take. (Whew, that was a mouthful.) I think mothers are a master at this. It's the old ploy, "I gave birth to you, how could you do that..." There are others: "If you loved me...", "Do this or I won't talk to you...", etc. Basically, do x or you will suffer y where y is a consequence based on emotion (as opposed to financial or physical consequences).

A lot of the changes I've made in my life over the past two years have been done to remove sources of emotional blackmail from life. By and large, I have been fairly successful. The result has been a vast improvement in my self esteem. I'm happier now. I feel better. Things around me, in general, are much better than they were. There's less stress in my life.

It's early, and I'm tired, so I don't think I'm going to really go too far with this. I just wanted to throw it out. Let my (all of) two readers know that emotional blackmail is a Bad Thing. If you find that you're involved in a relationship where this regularly occurs, you should probably evaluate said relationship.

My ex constantly used it. I acquiesced to the point that it was having real, physical and mental consequences. I was feeling like ass, and thinking some very not good thoughts. She still tries to use it. Though, lately, I've responded to it less. There is still a tendency to submit to the bullying. But, I've also noticed, the less I submit, the better things become.

My mother and her significant other use it too. In not yielding to their blackmail, I've suffered negative, financial consequences. Pretty harsh ones, at that.

Jess is dealing with it from many of her friends (sic). They have reduced (or eliminated) their contact with her, based on her involvement with me. My daughter deals with it all the time, in the form of peer pressure. Her peers treat her like ass, if she chooses not to conform.

I guess, what I'm saying is pretty simple: if people feel the need to treat you like that, or to use your feelins against you, are they really friends? Do they really deserve to have that power over you?

In looking at my situation, I feel better about myself. That's what it comes down to for me: that I feel better about myself. I don't allow others (or I try not to at least) the power to dictate how I feel about my life, and myself. It's made quite a difference. Sure, it's cost me (things), but it's gained me so much more...

Labels: book, life

Posted by Christopher at 04:17 | Permalink | Comments

So, it's been a while since I posted. Jess is away for the night, Amanda is out with her beau, I'm home alone. That means I've got time on my hands, and have to find something to keep occupied, so I don't go insane. In other words, I'm going to write a post or two. Just to keep busy. I'm not even sure the point of them.

First, and update on my life. The paperwork for the divorce has finally been completed. The goal is in sight, and it's (literally) a matter of days until it's done. Yay! I really, really can't wait for the day I get the notice. That will likely be one of the best days of my life.

Divorce is funny, I guess. I remember when I entered into the marriage. My parents always used to preach about how marriage was forever. Divorce wasn't an option. So, you'd best damn well choose wisely. I didn't, of course, and I've suffered the consequences. It (divorce) really should be a sad affair. It's never a good thing when a couple falls apart, especially when they are married. And, really, until I initiated mine, I was against them. That's changed oh so much now.

See, I finally realized that I am important. That my hopes, dreams, desires, needs, etc. are important. It's not a crime to pursue them. It's not a crime to insist they are met. Sure, if you take it too far, it's a Bad Thing. But, ultimately, you have to look out for number one. If you don't, how can you look out for anyone else?

So, my divorce was as much a quest to find myself, to complete myself, as it was anything else. I had finally become weary of being treated like garbage. It finally occurred to me that I deserved better. Did these realizations come too late? Sure. But, at least they came.

In other words, divorce isn't always as bad as people think it is. I think that a lot of them occur, because people don't really think about commitment. They enter a union with rose colored glasses. Ultimately though, it's important to recognize that staying in a bad relationship (married or not) is a Bad Thing. It does more damage than good.

To illustrate that, I submit my current relationship. Jess and I each have our issues. There's no doubt about that. We each carry baggage that will affect our relationship for the rest of our lives. But, there's a dramatic difference in how we treat one another, and how we treat our relationship. We each get as much out of the relationship as we put in. More importantly, we put in what we want. That, really, is what our relationship is about: want. We both want it. It's good for us. We're not in it out of obligation.

So, I guess where I'm going with this is that I'm glad I took the steps I did. I'm in a much better place now as compared to the past. I feel better mentally and physically. That, in turn, has enabled me to involve myself in a healthy relationship. Which, makes me feel better... Hmm, seems like a pattern there or something.

In other words, don't stick to something bad, because you feel you must. In the end, it will just destroy you. There are healthy things out there. When you find them, the difference is completely amazing.

Labels: advice, divorce, life

Posted by Christopher at 19:46 | Permalink | Comments