It's All Hot Air
Here's a bad thing about having been a medic: you learn to never be absolute in what you say. You're often taught to never say anything you can't guarantee. An example: you never say a patient will be fine, because you really can't be sure they will. You always try to bounce the question to someone else...
As you can imagine, this causes a bit of frustration on her part. But, it also frustrates me. For me, being such a closed person, I've learned to never really say anything. And, when I am saying something, I rarely say what is actually on my mind.
If tomorrow never comes, however, you really should be sure that what you say reflects what you feel. Or, at the very least, it should reflect reality. Sure, there are times when it's best to say nothing. Like every one's mother used to say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
But, what happens when you do say something; when that something is exactly what you feel or think?
There are many times now, that what I say is not heard. I remember my father. He would raise an issue once, then drop it. He'd leave whomever to fall on their face. It wasn't because he was an unkind man. It was simply that he had learned something, one of the few lessons he was able to teach me. People just don't listen. He didn't speak much. It wasn't because he was incapable of expressing himself. It was because people just wouldn't listen to what he had to say.
I find myself in that situation a lot. Sure, there are times I keep my mouth shut. Times when I won't say something, because I know it will make a situation worse. But there are many more times when I do say something. I say what I mean. I may not always say it well, but I do say it. And yet, what I say is not heard. So, like my father, I just don't say it all that much.
Because, really, what's the point of talking, if no one is going to listen? I've told various people in my life that I don't talk just to hear myself speak. I'm not really all that fond of my voice. When I talk, I want it to mean something. I then get frustrated with people when they don't listen, don't believe what it is I'm saying.
And, that's the crux of the matter. Because, when you think about it, I'm being a bit of a hypocrite... If so much of my speech is non-specific, how can I expect people to know when it is I am being specific? It's something to really ponder. When you speak, it really should mean something. Not only might those words be your very last, but it's your opportunity to express yourself. I think if people speak, the words should hold some value. Hell, that's why we all hate politicians: everyone knows what they say is nothing but hot air.
There's another component to it. The ability to communicate is often at the core learning to trust someone. Humans communicate in a variety of ways: spoken language, body language, the written form, etc. An article about trust I recently read sums it up fairly well:
And, I guess that's what it comes down to for me. What I'm trying to say is, I understand (more than most) the importance of not saying certain things. But, when one does speak, it's very important that one's words and actions are in alignment. For me it's a very difficult thing to do, because I understand how transient certain things can be. But, at the same time, I don't talk to hear my own voice. Otherwise, it all just becomes hot air anyway...
"How's my mother." "She seemed to be doing well, but you need to ask the doctor."In short, it's always a pass the buck deal. This can be really bad, if you adopt that in your daily communications. For me, I am always aware that I never fully know anything. Jess, my wife, says I always leave a 2 percent loop-hole. Every time I speak, I always leave a way out.
"Is he alive?" "Ask the nurse, she can tell you more."
As you can imagine, this causes a bit of frustration on her part. But, it also frustrates me. For me, being such a closed person, I've learned to never really say anything. And, when I am saying something, I rarely say what is actually on my mind.
If tomorrow never comes, however, you really should be sure that what you say reflects what you feel. Or, at the very least, it should reflect reality. Sure, there are times when it's best to say nothing. Like every one's mother used to say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
But, what happens when you do say something; when that something is exactly what you feel or think?
There are many times now, that what I say is not heard. I remember my father. He would raise an issue once, then drop it. He'd leave whomever to fall on their face. It wasn't because he was an unkind man. It was simply that he had learned something, one of the few lessons he was able to teach me. People just don't listen. He didn't speak much. It wasn't because he was incapable of expressing himself. It was because people just wouldn't listen to what he had to say.
I find myself in that situation a lot. Sure, there are times I keep my mouth shut. Times when I won't say something, because I know it will make a situation worse. But there are many more times when I do say something. I say what I mean. I may not always say it well, but I do say it. And yet, what I say is not heard. So, like my father, I just don't say it all that much.
Because, really, what's the point of talking, if no one is going to listen? I've told various people in my life that I don't talk just to hear myself speak. I'm not really all that fond of my voice. When I talk, I want it to mean something. I then get frustrated with people when they don't listen, don't believe what it is I'm saying.
And, that's the crux of the matter. Because, when you think about it, I'm being a bit of a hypocrite... If so much of my speech is non-specific, how can I expect people to know when it is I am being specific? It's something to really ponder. When you speak, it really should mean something. Not only might those words be your very last, but it's your opportunity to express yourself. I think if people speak, the words should hold some value. Hell, that's why we all hate politicians: everyone knows what they say is nothing but hot air.
There's another component to it. The ability to communicate is often at the core learning to trust someone. Humans communicate in a variety of ways: spoken language, body language, the written form, etc. An article about trust I recently read sums it up fairly well:
But what is trust? It could be said that it is a sensation, a hunch, a gut feeling. However, it is possible to be more precise. It can be claimed that trust is simultaneously a bodily sensation, an emotion and a linguistic phenomenon (a. judgement or an opinion). A gut feeling can be the emotional and bodily component of trust, and not being able to articulate it simply means we have not yet developed the linguistic component.It's something I've been trying to teach my daughter. Your actions reveal who you are. If your actions don't match your words (or your words don't match your actions), you erode trust. Once the trust starts to erode, people believe what you say less. It becomes a vicious cycle, which is very hard to escape.
...
We develop a reputation for being trustworthy or untrustworthy through our actions. Much of this reputation comes from how we enter into making arrangements and being dependable around the agreements and commitments we make. Do our actions match our words?
And, I guess that's what it comes down to for me. What I'm trying to say is, I understand (more than most) the importance of not saying certain things. But, when one does speak, it's very important that one's words and actions are in alignment. For me it's a very difficult thing to do, because I understand how transient certain things can be. But, at the same time, I don't talk to hear my own voice. Otherwise, it all just becomes hot air anyway...
