Whee! Ima Taoist?

I like to think of myself as a 'nice guy'. As a general rule, I try to follow the Golden Rule. (About doing to others; not the other one.) Yet, I wasn't always a nice guy. I was as much a snake as anyone can be. I did shitty stuff to people, things, and myself. Hell, I still continue to make mistakes. Still, all in all, I do tend to land on the side of being nice most of the time.

Since I really started trying to be nice, I've noticed something. Nice guys finish last. And yeah, I know, that's a very common cliché. But, it's also a very true one. A few days ago I made a comment to someone I know: Nice guys should just carry a jar of Vaseline around with them; that way they will always have lube on hand when they get fucked in the ass.

The wife, daughter, daughter's boyfriend, and I went out to dinner last night. It was a birthday thing. Not anything grand, rather something simple to commemorate the occasion. It was a pretty nice time, until it came time to pay the bill. The restaurant fucked up my card, forcing me to stand there looking like an idiot for ten or fifteen minutes. When it happened, I could have just signed the slip and walked out (saving myself some $40). But, instead, I chose to do the right thing. That's when the disaster hit, and they locked up my credit card.

After all was said and done, I got a "We're very sorry" and nothing else. And I honestly couldn't say anything. There were a lot of things that came to mind, however none of them were appropriate for a public setting. So, I did the right thing. I was the nice guy. I smiled, took it in the ass, and left. Partly because I was really trying to "rise above," but also because I knew if I started the cops would have been there.

One of the comments made during the evening was, "I wish so-and-so were here." Mostly because that person would probably have said the things that were going through my mind. Actually, no, he'd have been more polite than I could have been. But, that really sums up what being a nice guy is like.

I remember hearing a comedienne who had a routine which mentioned that women will tell you they want a nice, sensitive guy. But, when they get that, all they can really think is, "Heeeere pussy, pussy, pussy." And that's really starting to make sense to me.

So, what's my point? Good you asked. Here's the advantage of being a nice guy: at the end of the day, you know you probably made someone's life better. At least, you probably haven't made someone's day worse.

But, with that, is a whole bevy of things one has to choke down. I cannot count the number of times I have been publically and privately insulted, degraded, humiliated, etc. Virtually every time, I've done the right thing. Smiled and nodded. When someone does or says something, I shrug it off. I’m gracious. The problem is it just reinforces the behavior. I think it's because people have a natural tendency to take advantage of other people. We're all greedy. We all want mine. And, as long as we're getting mine, we're happy.

The problem I'm having with all this is being a nice guy is going to kill me. Stress really is the confusion caused when the mind overrides the body's desire to choke the living daylights out of some asshole who desperately deserves it. And boy, do I have stress.

The problem is, if I'm not nice, then I’m not setting an example for everyone I encounter. Children, strangers, everyone. There's no chance to pass something along. A smile, a good feeling. Something small which might help someone else when they might really need it.

But, here's the thing. I used to be a medic. I've saved a lot of lives in my time. I've helped a lot of people when they were at their worst. Even then, there were a lot of times where I was screwed by the very people I was helping. So, eventually, I stopped doing medical stuff. I'd had my fill of helping people, of being nice to people, who were not about to show one ounce of appreciation. Or worse, were going to turn around and screw me anyway. And, as much as I enjoyed it, I will never go back to it.

See, I'm extremely loyal, kind, and considerate. Even when I know it would be much easier to just be an ass. But, when that level of commitment isn't returned, I get very bitter. I think that's why I have no desire to practice medicine anymore. I'm bitter. And yes, I know I shouldn't be.

So, I guess, now that I've ranted, I'll sum this up. I know I'm a better person for being nice. It would be so easy at times to put the idiots of the world back into their place. To not turn the other cheek. To strike back when struck. Even when a part of me would truly enjoy to inflict a bit of pain. But I don't. I continue to be nice. Because, whether or not there is a God or gods. Whether we're just worm food in the end. Perhaps the kindness I show will rub off and be passed on. It's one of the few lessons I learned from my father. It took a very long time to learn it. And, now the actions and kindnesses he did to me are being passed on. So, I know it has an affect.

Just remember one thing: every time you take advantage of a nice guy, every time you cut them down, you diminish yourself. And you may find that they stop being nice. I could still be saving lives. I’m not. So, somewhere out there are people who have lost someone, because I am no longer saving lives. That's not egotistical, that's fact (yet another long story). Because, in the end, it takes a lot more energy to be nice than not-so-nice.

Oh, and one more thing. For all you people out there who have been taking advantage of nice guys: FUCK YOU. (Now, if I can just find my baseball bat…)

Labels: life, rant, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 08:57 | Permalink | Comments

Lately, it seems like I can't do the right thing. The more I try, the worse it gets. And I'm not really sure why that is. I can't decide if it's that I'm trying too hard, or not trying hard enough. Or, perhaps it's just that I'm trying.

You see, I found myself in a really good spot. I got to that spot by not really doing anything special. For the first time, in a long time, I was just myself. There were some changes. Changes for the good. But overall, I was just myself.

And, I guess that's what really bothers me. I'm still myself. I still do the things I did. So, why the change? More importantly, how do I get things back on the right track? All I know is that I'm bouncing off the walls in my head.

So, I guess this is one of those times, I just have to keep faith. It's just very hard.

Labels: journal, rant

Posted by Christopher at 16:41 | Permalink | Comments

Have you ever had a day not go well? You know... One of those days? I hate it when that happens. I especially hate it when I think it might go another way. And yes, I know, I'm supposed to keep my mind open. Take things as they come. Childlike mind and all that. And believe me, I try.

But then, there are days like today. For some reason, the world was off. I think it might have been my choice of music. On the other hand, I might have chosen my music based on the mood. I'm never quite sure which way that one goes. But I digress...

Anyway, I'm trying to code, but not. Trying to think, but not. I keep at it, because it's my job. I rather like my job. Really, I think I was distracted by my anticipation of the upcoming evening. As I mentioned, I was looking forward to a decent evening.

Suffice it to say, the evening didn't go anything like planned. It started with a bang, and went downhill from there. I must admit, my actions though misinterpreted were the catalyst. A fact of which I had to remind myself several times. The net result, my plans fell apart. Ah well.

Then, of course, I couldn't get the current work problem resolved. Oddly enough, though I strive to be a Taoist, the current projects at work do their best to prevent it. I work with a program that was coded by, well, I'd best not say by what. It's just one of those things that, for every two steps forward, I have to take a step-and-a-half back. Grr.

So, I decided to post here, to remind myself of what I'm trying to be. Or, rather, what I'm trying to do. Or not trying to do. (There's a few posts that could be written on that one.) I just needed to remind myself that the Way doesn't always go the way you want. That's the key I guess. If you're going to follow the Way, you have to go where it takes you.

It is times like these that I have to remind myself of Verse 49. Summed up in another taoist blog.

Labels: life, rant, taoism

Posted by Christopher at 19:34 | Permalink | Comments

Here's a bad thing about having been a medic: you learn to never be absolute in what you say. You're often taught to never say anything you can't guarantee. An example: you never say a patient will be fine, because you really can't be sure they will. You always try to bounce the question to someone else...

"How's my mother." "She seemed to be doing well, but you need to ask the doctor."

"Is he alive?" "Ask the nurse, she can tell you more."

In short, it's always a pass the buck deal. This can be really bad, if you adopt that in your daily communications. For me, I am always aware that I never fully know anything. Jess, my wife, says I always leave a 2 percent loop-hole. Every time I speak, I always leave a way out.

As you can imagine, this causes a bit of frustration on her part. But, it also frustrates me. For me, being such a closed person, I've learned to never really say anything. And, when I am saying something, I rarely say what is actually on my mind.

If tomorrow never comes, however, you really should be sure that what you say reflects what you feel. Or, at the very least, it should reflect reality. Sure, there are times when it's best to say nothing. Like every one's mother used to say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

But, what happens when you do say something; when that something is exactly what you feel or think?

There are many times now, that what I say is not heard. I remember my father. He would raise an issue once, then drop it. He'd leave whomever to fall on their face. It wasn't because he was an unkind man. It was simply that he had learned something, one of the few lessons he was able to teach me. People just don't listen. He didn't speak much. It wasn't because he was incapable of expressing himself. It was because people just wouldn't listen to what he had to say.

I find myself in that situation a lot. Sure, there are times I keep my mouth shut. Times when I won't say something, because I know it will make a situation worse. But there are many more times when I do say something. I say what I mean. I may not always say it well, but I do say it. And yet, what I say is not heard. So, like my father, I just don't say it all that much.

Because, really, what's the point of talking, if no one is going to listen? I've told various people in my life that I don't talk just to hear myself speak. I'm not really all that fond of my voice. When I talk, I want it to mean something. I then get frustrated with people when they don't listen, don't believe what it is I'm saying.

And, that's the crux of the matter. Because, when you think about it, I'm being a bit of a hypocrite... If so much of my speech is non-specific, how can I expect people to know when it is I am being specific? It's something to really ponder. When you speak, it really should mean something. Not only might those words be your very last, but it's your opportunity to express yourself. I think if people speak, the words should hold some value. Hell, that's why we all hate politicians: everyone knows what they say is nothing but hot air.

There's another component to it. The ability to communicate is often at the core learning to trust someone. Humans communicate in a variety of ways: spoken language, body language, the written form, etc. An article about trust I recently read sums it up fairly well:

But what is trust? It could be said that it is a sensation, a hunch, a gut feeling. However, it is possible to be more precise. It can be claimed that trust is simultaneously a bodily sensation, an emotion and a linguistic phenomenon (a. judgement or an opinion). A gut feeling can be the emotional and bodily component of trust, and not being able to articulate it simply means we have not yet developed the linguistic component.

...

We develop a reputation for being trustworthy or untrustworthy through our actions. Much of this reputation comes from how we enter into making arrangements and being dependable around the agreements and commitments we make. Do our actions match our words?

It's something I've been trying to teach my daughter. Your actions reveal who you are. If your actions don't match your words (or your words don't match your actions), you erode trust. Once the trust starts to erode, people believe what you say less. It becomes a vicious cycle, which is very hard to escape.

And, I guess that's what it comes down to for me. What I'm trying to say is, I understand (more than most) the importance of not saying certain things. But, when one does speak, it's very important that one's words and actions are in alignment. For me it's a very difficult thing to do, because I understand how transient certain things can be. But, at the same time, I don't talk to hear my own voice. Otherwise, it all just becomes hot air anyway...

Labels: book, life, rant

Posted by Christopher at 07:58 | Permalink | Comments

So, I guess I just don't get it. I mean, I do, but I don't.

When you become involved in a relationship, certain things change. It's no longer just you. Often, it becomes you and me (you and I, whatever). If you're really lucky, it becomes us. That transition causes some changes.

It's a natural progression to transit from single friends to couple friends. Hell, it's a natural part of life to grow away from people. You lose contact with them. You find new people to hang with. Life just is, and changing friends is part of life.

Yet, it amazes me how certain things can rip friends out of your life. I know, when I met my ex, the same thing happened to me. Mind you, she was a vile bitch. That, in itself, drove many of my friends away. The other thing was that I quit partying. There was no longer a common interest to hang with a certain group of people.

But that's different that what I'm talking about here. There are times when one becomes involved in a relationship that one's friends simply abandon one. And I think that's fucked up. I mean, really fucked up.

See, here's the thing. Friends are supposed to be, well, friends. I guess I can understand when it's life that draws you away. You lose touch with someone. Ok. But, when a person in your life walks away, simply because you've chosen to be with someone (or, better yet, found The One), that's fucked up.

Were they ever really friends in the first place?

Jess and I have been touching on this topic for a while now. She's (mostly) moved out of the party life. I've been there. She's suffering the same affects. But, what I find interesting about her situation is the number of friends that have simply stopped talking to her. Stopped talking to her, because she's involved with me. She was a socialite in many ways. Now, I can count on one hand the number of people who still talk to her.

I'm not sure what it is. Jealousy? Perhaps. Really, there's no way to tell.

I just think it's fucked up. But, I guess I just don't understand it.

Labels: friends, rant

Posted by Christopher at 12:22 | Permalink | Comments

Do the right thing.

How many times have you heard that? I know I've heard it more times than I care to recall.

But, here's a question... Have you noticed that, often, the people who want you to do the right thing aren't really in the loop? Not to say they aren't involved in the situation. I'm just saying they often don't have a real stake. Regardless of what you do, their life won't really be affected. They're happy to dole out advice, but seem to lose interest once they have to pony up.

I'm sorry, but that pisses me off. If you want people to do the right thing, and you want to (try to) push them into it, then stand up for what you believe. I'm not the greatest person on the planet, not by any means. But, whenever I've given advice, it's always been what I would do if I were that person.

And...

If I offered help, it was there. Yes, sometimes I've overbooked myself. Sometimes, for the little stuff, I haven't been there. But, when the chips are down and I've said you could count on me, you could. No matter what it cost me.

So...

Consider that the next time you hear those words. And consider twice, before you speak them.

Labels: rant

Posted by Christopher at 16:26 | Permalink | Comments

Some people that piss me off:

Ex-whatevers. That includes ex-wives, ex-boyfriends, ex-bosses. Naturally, anyone who was romantically involved bubbles to the top. In my case, it's an ex-wife. No, she's not completely an ex yet, but I'm working on that. Twenty years I wasted on that wench, and I'm sick and tired of wasting any more.

Family. You've heard the old adage; you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family. Yeah, right. Watch me. I've just about had my fill on that front as well. The problem with family is they take it for granted you have to tolerate them. They also tend to help, but with strings attached. They do this for you, you have to do that for them.

Ingenuous people. You know the type. They say one thing, but mean another. They are ill intentioned. I've been screwed more times than not, because I tend to take people at face value. Actually, now that I think of it, this relates directly to my current situation and the past twenty years of my life. Hmm...

So, I say all that to lead into my real point: I've had it up to my neck with my present situation. I've decided it's time to run the show my way. I'm surrounded by people who are willing to promise the world, but when it comes time to deliver, they bail. I tried playing nice guy, and it's not done all that well for me. There's a country song popular now, it mentions finding out who your true friends are.

See, it's never about the good stuff. People can stick when every thing is all nice and rosy. But when the shit hits the fan, that's when you find out who your real friends are. The only good thing for me is I don't have that many friends I have to filter through. I'm about to find out which ones are really there, and which ones are paying lip service.

The thought you should carry away: which ones of yours are true friends? I'm in a shit situation (ending a twenty year marriage, burning resources way faster than I'm replenishing them, etc.) Over the past six months, I've learned real quick who might be my real friends. Now, I'm about to really see. Take the time in your live to evaluate it. If you don't, you could end up just like me.

And yes, this was one long rant, with a lot of things not said. But I wanted to get this out on paper (sic) so that people would know: change is on the horizon.

Side note: my situation is my own doing. No one else is responsible for where I'm at. Hence, it is no one's responsibility but my own to get out of it. Will there be damages and losses, yes. But, if I don't save myself, everyone else will be hurt far worse.

Labels: friends, rant

Posted by Christopher at 06:35 | Permalink | Comments