Whee! Ima Taoist?

Integrity, honor, loyalty, compassion... These are values I hold in high regard. I strive to act with high levels of all these (and others) in my daily life. In the past, I did this for the sake of others. Now, I do it for my sake. I do it, so I can face the person who looks back at me when I stand before a mirror. I don't do as well as I should, but I do try.

Recent events have really stressed how important two of these values are: integrity and loyalty. These same events have also caused me to really evaluate what these values mean to other people. In some cases, it's been demonstrated to me that people do not necessarily view these things the same as do I.

And yes, I have something of a dual standard here. While I am quite aware of my own shortcomings in these areas, I strive to be better. All the while, I hold those around me, those closest to me, to the ideals towards which I strive. That can be a Bad Thing, because it often leads to disappointment.

Then, there are the times when two of these values come into direct conflict. I remember a time when I was in the Navy, where it happened. To maintain integrity, I would have had to abandon loyalty. Or, if I wanted to maintain loyalty, I would have had to abandon integrity. I chose loyalty, and paid a heavy price. Not just me. If any members of AC were reading this, or could be reached for comment, they'd tell you just how high the price of loyalty was.

Fast-forward a dozen years or so, and I saw a similar situation unfold. In this case, loyalty was sacrificed for integrity. This had some very immediate affects. Greatest amongst those (for me), was the affirmation of how well this person regarded their own integrity. It made me believe in quite a few things which I had come to doubt, banished some fears so to speak. It also gave me something to shoot for. See, I've been trying (and failing mostly) to place integrity above all as well. So, while short lived, for a bit I truly believed in the integrity of others.


Now, don't get me wrong. I think the decision was correct. To those involved who bothered to list, I've made my position clear. Integrity is paramount, because it is the basis of the other values. Without integrity, loyalty will suffer. This happened as well, as in the following...


I also saw a situation involving another person where loyalty overcame integrity. It was extremely offensive. It also affected the loyalty. See, what the other person involved did not realize is this: by sacrificing their integrity for loyalty, they destroyed trust. The loss of the trust revealed to me just how loyal they were, and it affected my loyalty towards them.

And finally, I discovered another situation in which someone who had demonstrated that integrity was important also demonstrated the complete opposite. And, I'll admit, this is much like me. I try very hard to stand up, but still face demons which hold me back. The standard to which I looked, however was demonstrated to be illusory at best.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that integrity goes a long way. I'm fond of saying, "Lead by example." I'm not sure where I picked it up, but it's a very true statement. If you fail to demonstrate to others, how can you expect them to follow suit? The answer is a short and brutal, you can't.

But, when integrity is maligned, it strikes at the foundations of other things: honor, loyalty, trust.

The real caveat to all this is that people will tend to maintain their personal integrity when it's convenient. As long as it doesn't cost them anything, they can be paragons of virtue. But, as soon as the price might become too high to pay, they resort to illusion and treachery. And there are the people who will, when it could gain them accolades, will do well. But, when no one is looking (or they think no one is), their integrity falls short as well.

I've said to my wife, Jess, very often, "It's not the good that defines things, it's the bad." That is true for so many things. Anyone can stick to something as long as it's good, as long as it's easy. But, as soon as things become difficult, those that have the strength will keep to their values. Those that don't wont. That is what really impressed me about the one situation: despite the possible loss, integrity was maintained. By facing the bad, it truly demonstrated just how important integrity was.

So, I think my advice to people would be pretty common. Be honest. Maintain your integrity. At the end of the day, there's not much else you have left, other than you. But, here's the key, it doesn't count if you only maintain it when it's convenient for you. If you stop doing well when no one is looking, you may as well not bother in the first place. In the end, the true demonstration is when there is no one looking, when it's only your reflection you have to face. Because, soon or late, it will come out. When that happens, things fall apart and people will view you differently than they did before.

Labels: advice, life, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 10:57 | Permalink | Comments

Kids, especially boys, are like puppies. They roll around, wrestle, and just generally get into trouble. I was pretty typical in that respect: getting into my share of fights as a kid growing up in a city. It didn't help that I was naturally a bit of a scrapper, with a quick temper to boot.

As I grew up, my father echoed phrases I'm sure most have heard before:

"Fighting isn't worth it."
"Choose your battles wisely."
"If you're going to fight, make sure it's worth dying for."

I wouldn't classify my father as being a pacifist. He certainly didn't go out of his way to find conflict. In fact, he often avoided it when he could. But, when push came to shove, he would make sure he won. I've known a few people like that. Sadly, for much of my life, I wasn't one.

Now that I'm a bit older (no, not wiser, just older), and a bit deader, I'm starting to understand what he was getting at. That, while it's important to stand for what you believe, for you and yours, conflict is rarely a good thing.

So, I'm at a point where I often choose not to fight. That doesn't mean that I can't fight, or that I won't fight. It just means that I choose to avoid the conflict. It comes back to the last thing in my father's list: don't fight unless it's worth dying for. And that's what it really comes down to for me.

See, if you're going to fight, then I think you have to accept a couple things:

1. You just might lose, in more ways than one.
2. The loss of the fight, or the act of fighting, could cost more than the gain of winning.

The problem is, much as for any child, choosing to walk away has its own cost as well: ridicule. All too often, people view someone who avoids conflict as being weak or flawed. One pays a price for not wanting to take the risk. And, I'm sorry, but I don't see that as being weak. In fact, it's often quite the opposite.

If someone hurts you, it's very easy to express that hurt vis-a-vis anger. If someone crosses you, it's certainly easier to lash out. And sure, there are times when it's necessary. But, I've come to learn that it's usually harder to accept what's happened and move on. Certainly, it takes quite a bit of self control to keep from lashing out when you've been slighted.

How to know when to do what? I'm not really sure. Except, perhaps, that I try to remember what my father would say. Make sure it's worth it. If you fight with a lover, over something mundane, you could use that relationship. If you fight with a business partner over a sour deal, you could lose the partnership. When it comes down to it, you really have to evaluate what can be lost.

Then, there's the Taoist attitude: "He does not contend, and non contend against him." Or, paraphrased: "It takes two to fight."

I can say for myself that there are times when I'd really like to choke the living shit out of people. There are times when I think the best way a situation can be resolved is the appropriate application of force. But, when it comes to the end of the day, I think I've shown myself to be a better person if I've avoided a fight.

In other words, don't shy away from conflict when it's necessary. But, when it's not, don't risk something more valuable over the need to satisfy your pride. Trust me, it takes much more strength to keep your cool than it does to not. And, when someone calls you weak for it, you'll know just how much strength of character it took to not beat them with a baseball bat. Even if they don't.

Labels: advice, life, taoism, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 06:29 | Permalink | Comments

Lemmings aside, self-destruction must be a totally human trait. Too often, it seems, we find new and amazing ways to destroy ourselves. We do this as a species, a group, and as individuals. Granted, we're still around, so we haven't managed to pull the species level one off (yet). I think that's just because we've been lucky. I think the higher order ones (groups, governments, families) are a reflection of the tendency for the individual to do self-destructive things.

Sure, there are quite a few people who get along fine. They always manage to do the safe or right thing. The make the correct (sensible) life decisions. They're quite happy living normal, boring lives. They have enough sense to not do things which might go poorly. (Mistakes not counting.)

I used to be the type of person with an amazing capacity for self-destruction. Choices that I make, if I am not extremely careful, have a way of coming back to bite me in the ass. It's subconscious. I really don't enjoy tons of drama in my life. And yet, there are times where I really think that, when bored, I look for ways to spice things up a bit.

Hand-in-hand with that came the remarkable ability to destroy things around me. When everything would be going well, I would say or do something to cause problems. This was especially true of relationships. Though, it also applied to other parts of my life.

Recently, I've changed that tendency. I came to recognize how it affected me, and more importantly, those around me. It didn't happen instantly. There were several catalysts to my change in views and how I handled things. I think, one of the greatest catalysts was the death of my father. There's a saying I'm sure I've said before, "A man isn't a man, until his father dies."

I think, until that point, I never really accepted that my decisions are mine to make. And no, my father wasn't controlling or anything like that. It's more that I had an attitude that things (my decisions) just didn't matter. There was also a bit of not caring in there as well: I didn't care how my actions affected others.

Why all this?

Well, now that I'm working out of that tendency, I see it in others all the time. There are people I know, some very close to me, who have this same innate talent. Only now, I'm one of the people who will be affected. In an odd way, I'm now getting a taste of my own medicine. And guess what? I don't like it very much.

Now, I know that sounds a bit selfish. It is. To not really think about something, until it affects me. But, that's just another of my vices. But, since I've been thinking about it, I've come up with a few thoughts on the matter.

When it comes down to it, people tend to think of themselves first. This is especially true for Americans. Our culture is one where we don't worry about something if it's not in our own back yard. My father had a joke he used to tell:

"What's the difference between a recession and a depression?"

"A recession is
when your neighbor is out of work. A depression is when you are out of work."

When you think about it, that's how we think. It's how we work. If it doesn't (directly) affect us, we (usually) could give two shits. And, really, that's the wrong attitude to have.

Like it or not, our actions take their toll on those around us. Part of Taoism is learning to live in harmony with the Way. Learning to let things go the way they should. Another part of it involves not going out of your way to cause damage to something. And it's that self-destructive tendency that we carry which goes counter to that.

So, now that I am older and (hopefully) wiser, I have a suggestion to pass on to others: be aware of how your actions affect others. Just as your mother used to say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." So should you consider your actions. Be aware that not only is it possible to help those around you, it is quite possible to hurt them. I think that is one of the main lessons of life. Sure, you can be an asshole. But, in the end, it doesn't help anything. In the end, you have to face yourself in the mirror. And, one of the best ways to see something good in that reflection is to know that you have done good in your life. Hurting others is definitely not good.

Labels: advice, book, life, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 11:54 | Permalink | Comments

Infidelity is an interesting thing. To some people, it's nothing. To others, it's everything. There are cultures in which it is completely unacceptable. And there are cultures in which it is expected. Unfortunately, I think our (American) society is starting to lean towards the latter.

I am not proud of my history in that department. I stood in front of another, and vowed that I would do no such thing. And yet, for a variety of reasons, I did. Each time, it caused damage to everyone involved. And, as selfish as it may seem, I think the person most damaged was myself.

Because, I'm now learning that what has happened in the past can have a very real affect on the present and future. (Yeah, I know, Duh!) But, really, it goes beyond the obvious. My wife once made a blog post which referenced a biting dog. If a dog has a history of biting, it will always have that history. It may be well behaved now, but there's always the danger that it could bite again.

On the flip side is my belief that things can change. Perhaps not so much a dog, but certainly people. Still, despite the fact they may have changed, there is still the past. It can loom over the present like a spectre. It can cause doubts to creep in where there is no reason.

And that's the thing. Despite what atonement one may have made, they still have to account for their past. Worse yet, it can color how they view things. Once a line has been crossed, it's been crossed. Much like an addict, there is always that problem.

Speaking for myself, I know what's on the other side of that line. That knowledge keeps me from ever going back over it. I know all the games, I know all the facades, I know the temptations. I also know it colors how people look at me now. It has diminished me, and it is something I can never recoup.

There are people close to me who are engaging in the same kind of behavior. I know they think it's nothing. Sadly, I have no way to tell them just how heinous it is. That some lines should never be crossed. That, some actions will always come back to haunt you.

It can also change how you view things. Lead you to suspect, and expect, the worst in others. See, if you have been so vile, why isn't the rest of the world. It's then, that it can really eat at you. It destroys trust, which then destroys relationships. Some can recover, most do not.

So, if anyone out there is reading this, and is in a situation where they might be considering such a thing, don't. It's important to remember that it hurts you most of all. You will never regain that stain on your soul. And others, in the future, will be made to deal with it. Sure, they may forgive you. They may understand it. But, they will always have to deal with what you have done. Trust me, it's not worth it.

And that leads to another thought: forgiving and forgetting. It's easy to say you've forgiven a slight. But, often, I think people say they forgive too easily. True, it's important that one learns to forgive. Hate and fear are terrible crosses to bear. They must be let go. But, it's important that one do just that: let go. Not just say the words, but actually let go.

Now, that doesn't mean one should ever forget. When you forget, you set yourself up for the same thing. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. So, forgive the slights, but don't forget them.

And yes, I know this whole thing was kinda random, but I thought it would be a good idea to toss them out.

Labels: advice, life, love, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 19:13 | Permalink | Comments

One thing that's been rolling around in my head a lot lately is trust: how precious it is, how difficult it is to earn, and how easily it is lost. I've read a lot of articles on trust. What it is, how it's built, how it's lost, and how it's rebuilt. And the related articles, especially how important it is in lasting relationships.

I worked for a man who was fond of saying, "Inspect what you expect." He stole the phrase from a general or president (and yes, that means I'm too lazy to look it up right now). I've come to use the phrase from time to time as well. The problem is, when you inspect something, is that itself an admission that there is no trust?

The answer to that question is, "It depends."

See, I think it's quite possible to assume facts in evidence which aren't. So, if you don't pursue a topic, then you can't reassure yourself that you're making invalid assumptions. If you stop checking from time to time, you simply don't know. And that can lead to very bad things. To paraphrase, the only thing to really fear is fear itself. And sometimes, you need reassurances to know that it's just fear, nothing more.

But, the problem is, what if you do inspect and find that there is something to fear? What if there is basis for the fear? How does one admit that? And, in admitting that, is that a violation of the trust?

That's the crux. As long as you don't inspect, you're left with the fear. You can say to yourself that it's just fear and nothing else. A favorite phrase of mine touches on that: ignorance is bliss. Sometimes you're just better off not knowing. Plausible deniability: if you don't know about it, you can't be held responsible for it.

Relationships are all built on trust. It doesn't matter if it's a personal relationship or a business partnership. Without trust, a relationship cannot survive. It becomes vital then, if you want a relationship, to actively work on building the trust. That means, at times, inspecting what you expect. Asking the hard questions. Travelling into the dark areas, to shed some light on them.

So, sometimes I think it's not a matter of whether you trust or not. It's just a matter of needing some reassurance. But still the fear lingers...

Labels: advice, life, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 10:20 | Permalink | Comments