Whee! Ima Taoist?

My wife, Jess, has started watching a show titled "Intervention." I watch it with her from time to time. For those who haven't seen it, each episode follows an addict as their family conducts an intervention on (against? for?) them.

It's an hour long. You get a brief overview of what the addict's life is like; how it's affecting them and the people in their lives. Then there's the bit where the family and friends are in with the counselor on the day before the intervention. Then comes the intervention scene, with lots of tears and such. Finally, there's some kind of summation at the end. You get to find out what happened to the addict. All in all, it's not the most exciting of shows. But it does give a very real look into the lives of addicts and the people around them.

Watching that show got me to thinking about my experiences with addiction. When I was younger, I dealth with them. It's part of why I'm behind the learning curve now. If I'd paid attention then, instead of spending my time partying, I'd have accomplished a lot more.

Worse than what I did to myself, is how it affected those around me. Sure, in a lot of ways, I got out of it, before things really went poorly. Still, there were a lot of stupid things I did as the result of my drinking. I made decisions which still affect me to this day. I cheated on my (now) ex-wife. I bailed out of a couple (semi) decent jobs. The list goes on and on.

And, I think that's where I'm going with this. While I managed to stop, there was no way to repair the damages done as a result of my addictions. What was done, was done. None of it can be undone. Many people are still living with the affects of my addiction.

And that's the really sad part of it. The latest episode of "Intervention" we watched covered an entire town's battle with meth addictions. How families were ripped apart by it. How people lost (are losing) everything to feed their addiction. And that's the shame of it all. In the end, the insidious disease known as addiction only does one thing: it destroyes lives. And, it doesn't matter how much you fight it, it will always be there. It will always try to find a way to get its hold on you, with the sole intent of destroying you, and those around you.

Labels: addictions, intervention, life

Posted by Christopher at 11:41 | Permalink | Comments

I like to think of myself as a 'nice guy'. As a general rule, I try to follow the Golden Rule. (About doing to others; not the other one.) Yet, I wasn't always a nice guy. I was as much a snake as anyone can be. I did shitty stuff to people, things, and myself. Hell, I still continue to make mistakes. Still, all in all, I do tend to land on the side of being nice most of the time.

Since I really started trying to be nice, I've noticed something. Nice guys finish last. And yeah, I know, that's a very common cliché. But, it's also a very true one. A few days ago I made a comment to someone I know: Nice guys should just carry a jar of Vaseline around with them; that way they will always have lube on hand when they get fucked in the ass.

The wife, daughter, daughter's boyfriend, and I went out to dinner last night. It was a birthday thing. Not anything grand, rather something simple to commemorate the occasion. It was a pretty nice time, until it came time to pay the bill. The restaurant fucked up my card, forcing me to stand there looking like an idiot for ten or fifteen minutes. When it happened, I could have just signed the slip and walked out (saving myself some $40). But, instead, I chose to do the right thing. That's when the disaster hit, and they locked up my credit card.

After all was said and done, I got a "We're very sorry" and nothing else. And I honestly couldn't say anything. There were a lot of things that came to mind, however none of them were appropriate for a public setting. So, I did the right thing. I was the nice guy. I smiled, took it in the ass, and left. Partly because I was really trying to "rise above," but also because I knew if I started the cops would have been there.

One of the comments made during the evening was, "I wish so-and-so were here." Mostly because that person would probably have said the things that were going through my mind. Actually, no, he'd have been more polite than I could have been. But, that really sums up what being a nice guy is like.

I remember hearing a comedienne who had a routine which mentioned that women will tell you they want a nice, sensitive guy. But, when they get that, all they can really think is, "Heeeere pussy, pussy, pussy." And that's really starting to make sense to me.

So, what's my point? Good you asked. Here's the advantage of being a nice guy: at the end of the day, you know you probably made someone's life better. At least, you probably haven't made someone's day worse.

But, with that, is a whole bevy of things one has to choke down. I cannot count the number of times I have been publically and privately insulted, degraded, humiliated, etc. Virtually every time, I've done the right thing. Smiled and nodded. When someone does or says something, I shrug it off. I’m gracious. The problem is it just reinforces the behavior. I think it's because people have a natural tendency to take advantage of other people. We're all greedy. We all want mine. And, as long as we're getting mine, we're happy.

The problem I'm having with all this is being a nice guy is going to kill me. Stress really is the confusion caused when the mind overrides the body's desire to choke the living daylights out of some asshole who desperately deserves it. And boy, do I have stress.

The problem is, if I'm not nice, then I’m not setting an example for everyone I encounter. Children, strangers, everyone. There's no chance to pass something along. A smile, a good feeling. Something small which might help someone else when they might really need it.

But, here's the thing. I used to be a medic. I've saved a lot of lives in my time. I've helped a lot of people when they were at their worst. Even then, there were a lot of times where I was screwed by the very people I was helping. So, eventually, I stopped doing medical stuff. I'd had my fill of helping people, of being nice to people, who were not about to show one ounce of appreciation. Or worse, were going to turn around and screw me anyway. And, as much as I enjoyed it, I will never go back to it.

See, I'm extremely loyal, kind, and considerate. Even when I know it would be much easier to just be an ass. But, when that level of commitment isn't returned, I get very bitter. I think that's why I have no desire to practice medicine anymore. I'm bitter. And yes, I know I shouldn't be.

So, I guess, now that I've ranted, I'll sum this up. I know I'm a better person for being nice. It would be so easy at times to put the idiots of the world back into their place. To not turn the other cheek. To strike back when struck. Even when a part of me would truly enjoy to inflict a bit of pain. But I don't. I continue to be nice. Because, whether or not there is a God or gods. Whether we're just worm food in the end. Perhaps the kindness I show will rub off and be passed on. It's one of the few lessons I learned from my father. It took a very long time to learn it. And, now the actions and kindnesses he did to me are being passed on. So, I know it has an affect.

Just remember one thing: every time you take advantage of a nice guy, every time you cut them down, you diminish yourself. And you may find that they stop being nice. I could still be saving lives. I’m not. So, somewhere out there are people who have lost someone, because I am no longer saving lives. That's not egotistical, that's fact (yet another long story). Because, in the end, it takes a lot more energy to be nice than not-so-nice.

Oh, and one more thing. For all you people out there who have been taking advantage of nice guys: FUCK YOU. (Now, if I can just find my baseball bat…)

Labels: life, rant, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 08:57 | Permalink | Comments

Integrity, honor, loyalty, compassion... These are values I hold in high regard. I strive to act with high levels of all these (and others) in my daily life. In the past, I did this for the sake of others. Now, I do it for my sake. I do it, so I can face the person who looks back at me when I stand before a mirror. I don't do as well as I should, but I do try.

Recent events have really stressed how important two of these values are: integrity and loyalty. These same events have also caused me to really evaluate what these values mean to other people. In some cases, it's been demonstrated to me that people do not necessarily view these things the same as do I.

And yes, I have something of a dual standard here. While I am quite aware of my own shortcomings in these areas, I strive to be better. All the while, I hold those around me, those closest to me, to the ideals towards which I strive. That can be a Bad Thing, because it often leads to disappointment.

Then, there are the times when two of these values come into direct conflict. I remember a time when I was in the Navy, where it happened. To maintain integrity, I would have had to abandon loyalty. Or, if I wanted to maintain loyalty, I would have had to abandon integrity. I chose loyalty, and paid a heavy price. Not just me. If any members of AC were reading this, or could be reached for comment, they'd tell you just how high the price of loyalty was.

Fast-forward a dozen years or so, and I saw a similar situation unfold. In this case, loyalty was sacrificed for integrity. This had some very immediate affects. Greatest amongst those (for me), was the affirmation of how well this person regarded their own integrity. It made me believe in quite a few things which I had come to doubt, banished some fears so to speak. It also gave me something to shoot for. See, I've been trying (and failing mostly) to place integrity above all as well. So, while short lived, for a bit I truly believed in the integrity of others.


Now, don't get me wrong. I think the decision was correct. To those involved who bothered to list, I've made my position clear. Integrity is paramount, because it is the basis of the other values. Without integrity, loyalty will suffer. This happened as well, as in the following...


I also saw a situation involving another person where loyalty overcame integrity. It was extremely offensive. It also affected the loyalty. See, what the other person involved did not realize is this: by sacrificing their integrity for loyalty, they destroyed trust. The loss of the trust revealed to me just how loyal they were, and it affected my loyalty towards them.

And finally, I discovered another situation in which someone who had demonstrated that integrity was important also demonstrated the complete opposite. And, I'll admit, this is much like me. I try very hard to stand up, but still face demons which hold me back. The standard to which I looked, however was demonstrated to be illusory at best.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that integrity goes a long way. I'm fond of saying, "Lead by example." I'm not sure where I picked it up, but it's a very true statement. If you fail to demonstrate to others, how can you expect them to follow suit? The answer is a short and brutal, you can't.

But, when integrity is maligned, it strikes at the foundations of other things: honor, loyalty, trust.

The real caveat to all this is that people will tend to maintain their personal integrity when it's convenient. As long as it doesn't cost them anything, they can be paragons of virtue. But, as soon as the price might become too high to pay, they resort to illusion and treachery. And there are the people who will, when it could gain them accolades, will do well. But, when no one is looking (or they think no one is), their integrity falls short as well.

I've said to my wife, Jess, very often, "It's not the good that defines things, it's the bad." That is true for so many things. Anyone can stick to something as long as it's good, as long as it's easy. But, as soon as things become difficult, those that have the strength will keep to their values. Those that don't wont. That is what really impressed me about the one situation: despite the possible loss, integrity was maintained. By facing the bad, it truly demonstrated just how important integrity was.

So, I think my advice to people would be pretty common. Be honest. Maintain your integrity. At the end of the day, there's not much else you have left, other than you. But, here's the key, it doesn't count if you only maintain it when it's convenient for you. If you stop doing well when no one is looking, you may as well not bother in the first place. In the end, the true demonstration is when there is no one looking, when it's only your reflection you have to face. Because, soon or late, it will come out. When that happens, things fall apart and people will view you differently than they did before.

Labels: advice, life, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 10:57 | Permalink | Comments

Kids, especially boys, are like puppies. They roll around, wrestle, and just generally get into trouble. I was pretty typical in that respect: getting into my share of fights as a kid growing up in a city. It didn't help that I was naturally a bit of a scrapper, with a quick temper to boot.

As I grew up, my father echoed phrases I'm sure most have heard before:

"Fighting isn't worth it."
"Choose your battles wisely."
"If you're going to fight, make sure it's worth dying for."

I wouldn't classify my father as being a pacifist. He certainly didn't go out of his way to find conflict. In fact, he often avoided it when he could. But, when push came to shove, he would make sure he won. I've known a few people like that. Sadly, for much of my life, I wasn't one.

Now that I'm a bit older (no, not wiser, just older), and a bit deader, I'm starting to understand what he was getting at. That, while it's important to stand for what you believe, for you and yours, conflict is rarely a good thing.

So, I'm at a point where I often choose not to fight. That doesn't mean that I can't fight, or that I won't fight. It just means that I choose to avoid the conflict. It comes back to the last thing in my father's list: don't fight unless it's worth dying for. And that's what it really comes down to for me.

See, if you're going to fight, then I think you have to accept a couple things:

1. You just might lose, in more ways than one.
2. The loss of the fight, or the act of fighting, could cost more than the gain of winning.

The problem is, much as for any child, choosing to walk away has its own cost as well: ridicule. All too often, people view someone who avoids conflict as being weak or flawed. One pays a price for not wanting to take the risk. And, I'm sorry, but I don't see that as being weak. In fact, it's often quite the opposite.

If someone hurts you, it's very easy to express that hurt vis-a-vis anger. If someone crosses you, it's certainly easier to lash out. And sure, there are times when it's necessary. But, I've come to learn that it's usually harder to accept what's happened and move on. Certainly, it takes quite a bit of self control to keep from lashing out when you've been slighted.

How to know when to do what? I'm not really sure. Except, perhaps, that I try to remember what my father would say. Make sure it's worth it. If you fight with a lover, over something mundane, you could use that relationship. If you fight with a business partner over a sour deal, you could lose the partnership. When it comes down to it, you really have to evaluate what can be lost.

Then, there's the Taoist attitude: "He does not contend, and non contend against him." Or, paraphrased: "It takes two to fight."

I can say for myself that there are times when I'd really like to choke the living shit out of people. There are times when I think the best way a situation can be resolved is the appropriate application of force. But, when it comes to the end of the day, I think I've shown myself to be a better person if I've avoided a fight.

In other words, don't shy away from conflict when it's necessary. But, when it's not, don't risk something more valuable over the need to satisfy your pride. Trust me, it takes much more strength to keep your cool than it does to not. And, when someone calls you weak for it, you'll know just how much strength of character it took to not beat them with a baseball bat. Even if they don't.

Labels: advice, life, taoism, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 06:29 | Permalink | Comments

Lemmings aside, self-destruction must be a totally human trait. Too often, it seems, we find new and amazing ways to destroy ourselves. We do this as a species, a group, and as individuals. Granted, we're still around, so we haven't managed to pull the species level one off (yet). I think that's just because we've been lucky. I think the higher order ones (groups, governments, families) are a reflection of the tendency for the individual to do self-destructive things.

Sure, there are quite a few people who get along fine. They always manage to do the safe or right thing. The make the correct (sensible) life decisions. They're quite happy living normal, boring lives. They have enough sense to not do things which might go poorly. (Mistakes not counting.)

I used to be the type of person with an amazing capacity for self-destruction. Choices that I make, if I am not extremely careful, have a way of coming back to bite me in the ass. It's subconscious. I really don't enjoy tons of drama in my life. And yet, there are times where I really think that, when bored, I look for ways to spice things up a bit.

Hand-in-hand with that came the remarkable ability to destroy things around me. When everything would be going well, I would say or do something to cause problems. This was especially true of relationships. Though, it also applied to other parts of my life.

Recently, I've changed that tendency. I came to recognize how it affected me, and more importantly, those around me. It didn't happen instantly. There were several catalysts to my change in views and how I handled things. I think, one of the greatest catalysts was the death of my father. There's a saying I'm sure I've said before, "A man isn't a man, until his father dies."

I think, until that point, I never really accepted that my decisions are mine to make. And no, my father wasn't controlling or anything like that. It's more that I had an attitude that things (my decisions) just didn't matter. There was also a bit of not caring in there as well: I didn't care how my actions affected others.

Why all this?

Well, now that I'm working out of that tendency, I see it in others all the time. There are people I know, some very close to me, who have this same innate talent. Only now, I'm one of the people who will be affected. In an odd way, I'm now getting a taste of my own medicine. And guess what? I don't like it very much.

Now, I know that sounds a bit selfish. It is. To not really think about something, until it affects me. But, that's just another of my vices. But, since I've been thinking about it, I've come up with a few thoughts on the matter.

When it comes down to it, people tend to think of themselves first. This is especially true for Americans. Our culture is one where we don't worry about something if it's not in our own back yard. My father had a joke he used to tell:

"What's the difference between a recession and a depression?"

"A recession is
when your neighbor is out of work. A depression is when you are out of work."

When you think about it, that's how we think. It's how we work. If it doesn't (directly) affect us, we (usually) could give two shits. And, really, that's the wrong attitude to have.

Like it or not, our actions take their toll on those around us. Part of Taoism is learning to live in harmony with the Way. Learning to let things go the way they should. Another part of it involves not going out of your way to cause damage to something. And it's that self-destructive tendency that we carry which goes counter to that.

So, now that I am older and (hopefully) wiser, I have a suggestion to pass on to others: be aware of how your actions affect others. Just as your mother used to say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." So should you consider your actions. Be aware that not only is it possible to help those around you, it is quite possible to hurt them. I think that is one of the main lessons of life. Sure, you can be an asshole. But, in the end, it doesn't help anything. In the end, you have to face yourself in the mirror. And, one of the best ways to see something good in that reflection is to know that you have done good in your life. Hurting others is definitely not good.

Labels: advice, book, life, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 11:54 | Permalink | Comments

Infidelity is an interesting thing. To some people, it's nothing. To others, it's everything. There are cultures in which it is completely unacceptable. And there are cultures in which it is expected. Unfortunately, I think our (American) society is starting to lean towards the latter.

I am not proud of my history in that department. I stood in front of another, and vowed that I would do no such thing. And yet, for a variety of reasons, I did. Each time, it caused damage to everyone involved. And, as selfish as it may seem, I think the person most damaged was myself.

Because, I'm now learning that what has happened in the past can have a very real affect on the present and future. (Yeah, I know, Duh!) But, really, it goes beyond the obvious. My wife once made a blog post which referenced a biting dog. If a dog has a history of biting, it will always have that history. It may be well behaved now, but there's always the danger that it could bite again.

On the flip side is my belief that things can change. Perhaps not so much a dog, but certainly people. Still, despite the fact they may have changed, there is still the past. It can loom over the present like a spectre. It can cause doubts to creep in where there is no reason.

And that's the thing. Despite what atonement one may have made, they still have to account for their past. Worse yet, it can color how they view things. Once a line has been crossed, it's been crossed. Much like an addict, there is always that problem.

Speaking for myself, I know what's on the other side of that line. That knowledge keeps me from ever going back over it. I know all the games, I know all the facades, I know the temptations. I also know it colors how people look at me now. It has diminished me, and it is something I can never recoup.

There are people close to me who are engaging in the same kind of behavior. I know they think it's nothing. Sadly, I have no way to tell them just how heinous it is. That some lines should never be crossed. That, some actions will always come back to haunt you.

It can also change how you view things. Lead you to suspect, and expect, the worst in others. See, if you have been so vile, why isn't the rest of the world. It's then, that it can really eat at you. It destroys trust, which then destroys relationships. Some can recover, most do not.

So, if anyone out there is reading this, and is in a situation where they might be considering such a thing, don't. It's important to remember that it hurts you most of all. You will never regain that stain on your soul. And others, in the future, will be made to deal with it. Sure, they may forgive you. They may understand it. But, they will always have to deal with what you have done. Trust me, it's not worth it.

And that leads to another thought: forgiving and forgetting. It's easy to say you've forgiven a slight. But, often, I think people say they forgive too easily. True, it's important that one learns to forgive. Hate and fear are terrible crosses to bear. They must be let go. But, it's important that one do just that: let go. Not just say the words, but actually let go.

Now, that doesn't mean one should ever forget. When you forget, you set yourself up for the same thing. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. So, forgive the slights, but don't forget them.

And yes, I know this whole thing was kinda random, but I thought it would be a good idea to toss them out.

Labels: advice, life, love, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 19:13 | Permalink | Comments

One thing that's been rolling around in my head a lot lately is trust: how precious it is, how difficult it is to earn, and how easily it is lost. I've read a lot of articles on trust. What it is, how it's built, how it's lost, and how it's rebuilt. And the related articles, especially how important it is in lasting relationships.

I worked for a man who was fond of saying, "Inspect what you expect." He stole the phrase from a general or president (and yes, that means I'm too lazy to look it up right now). I've come to use the phrase from time to time as well. The problem is, when you inspect something, is that itself an admission that there is no trust?

The answer to that question is, "It depends."

See, I think it's quite possible to assume facts in evidence which aren't. So, if you don't pursue a topic, then you can't reassure yourself that you're making invalid assumptions. If you stop checking from time to time, you simply don't know. And that can lead to very bad things. To paraphrase, the only thing to really fear is fear itself. And sometimes, you need reassurances to know that it's just fear, nothing more.

But, the problem is, what if you do inspect and find that there is something to fear? What if there is basis for the fear? How does one admit that? And, in admitting that, is that a violation of the trust?

That's the crux. As long as you don't inspect, you're left with the fear. You can say to yourself that it's just fear and nothing else. A favorite phrase of mine touches on that: ignorance is bliss. Sometimes you're just better off not knowing. Plausible deniability: if you don't know about it, you can't be held responsible for it.

Relationships are all built on trust. It doesn't matter if it's a personal relationship or a business partnership. Without trust, a relationship cannot survive. It becomes vital then, if you want a relationship, to actively work on building the trust. That means, at times, inspecting what you expect. Asking the hard questions. Travelling into the dark areas, to shed some light on them.

So, sometimes I think it's not a matter of whether you trust or not. It's just a matter of needing some reassurance. But still the fear lingers...

Labels: advice, life, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 10:20 | Permalink | Comments

Have you ever had a day not go well? You know... One of those days? I hate it when that happens. I especially hate it when I think it might go another way. And yes, I know, I'm supposed to keep my mind open. Take things as they come. Childlike mind and all that. And believe me, I try.

But then, there are days like today. For some reason, the world was off. I think it might have been my choice of music. On the other hand, I might have chosen my music based on the mood. I'm never quite sure which way that one goes. But I digress...

Anyway, I'm trying to code, but not. Trying to think, but not. I keep at it, because it's my job. I rather like my job. Really, I think I was distracted by my anticipation of the upcoming evening. As I mentioned, I was looking forward to a decent evening.

Suffice it to say, the evening didn't go anything like planned. It started with a bang, and went downhill from there. I must admit, my actions though misinterpreted were the catalyst. A fact of which I had to remind myself several times. The net result, my plans fell apart. Ah well.

Then, of course, I couldn't get the current work problem resolved. Oddly enough, though I strive to be a Taoist, the current projects at work do their best to prevent it. I work with a program that was coded by, well, I'd best not say by what. It's just one of those things that, for every two steps forward, I have to take a step-and-a-half back. Grr.

So, I decided to post here, to remind myself of what I'm trying to be. Or, rather, what I'm trying to do. Or not trying to do. (There's a few posts that could be written on that one.) I just needed to remind myself that the Way doesn't always go the way you want. That's the key I guess. If you're going to follow the Way, you have to go where it takes you.

It is times like these that I have to remind myself of Verse 49. Summed up in another taoist blog.

Labels: life, rant, taoism

Posted by Christopher at 19:34 | Permalink | Comments

I've always held people to double standards: there was one set of rules for me, and another for everyone else. What was OK for me, was not always OK for them. I'd advise people on the correct course of action, yet do exactly the opposite. There's a word for that. It's called hypocrisy. The age old phrase of, "Do as I say, not as I do."

A few years ago, I decided to try to be a little different. I would start following my own advice. I'd clean up my act, so to speak. That change did not come without a catalyst. In my case, it was the death of my father. Sure, it took a few years, but I managed to change myself. My father's death wasn't the only thing that happened to me. But, it really was the start of things.

The funny thing is, prior to this, hypocrisy always pissed me off. It still does. Though, now I'm able to handle it better. I recognize how often it happens, and often the reasons why it happens. But, it still irks me.

I've been learning some important lessons as of late. Many with the help of my partner and wife, Jessica. She's done a lot to help me realign my thinking and my actions. I will forever how she's opened my eyes. The learning process is far from complete, but at least it's a process. It comes back to something I mentioned in a previous post: it's not about perfection, it's about progress. (The catch phrase of AA.)

Another thing that has brought this to mind is my daughter. I see in her much of what was in my when I was young. I've turned into my father (parents?), in that I am now saying many of the things they said. Much to the same affect.

But, here's the thing. What happens when you're trying to overcome the hypocrisy of a lifetime? How tolerant of it should you be? I'm dealing with this one a lot lately. And, I think it comes back to what I just said (and what I've said before): It's about progress. Still, I've learned it's important to practice what one preaches. I see that now, by my relationships in my life. Most especially by the choices my daughter is making, and through my relationship with Jessica.

What's the point to all this? Just to say that it's best to lead by example. The more one is a hypocrite, the less (positive) affect one has on others. It's been a real challenge for me, to act more in line with what I say. I'm too easy going, I don't communicate well enough, I don't let people into my life, I don't focus enough on the future. It's changing, but slowly.

In the end, it comes down to that. Am I making progress? I think everyone should ask themselves that. I also think they should ask themselves if they are leading by example. After all, if they're not, they're just adding to the hypocrisy which pervades every day life.

Labels: advice, book, life

Posted by Christopher at 17:29 | Permalink | Comments

So, I've gone through a lot of changes the past few years; a few major ones the past year. I've started a new job, finalized a divorce, been married, and a few other things I'm sure I've forgotten. To say the least, it's been an extremely stressful time.

One thing that's carried me through this time is Jess, my wife. I won't bore you with all the juicy details of how we met. What I do want to tell you about is how much her support has meant to me. It's also taught me a lot. Though there is a large gap in our ages, she's managed to take me places I've never been. In short, I've learned more about relationships and individuality in the past year than I have in the past forty.

We joke about it with each other, Jess and I. Joke about how we are partners; about how we mesh so well. How we've managed to go through some interesting things. Each thing has only served to make the relationship stronger. We have several core values which match, and in other areas we are as different as can be. The core values help keep us on track. The differences complement.

The greatest thing I've learned from her (am still learning) is how to communicate. I've spent my life hiding my feelings. Playing with the cards close to my chest. No one, even past loves, were ever allowed into the inner me. They never saw what it was I thought or felt. That's just the way it was.

Another thing I've learned is the importance of individuality. One cannot bring themselves to a relationship, until they're okay with themselves. If you haven't learned who you are, what makes you tick, you really can't be part of a couple. That lesson came from Jess, but it also came before her. I started my divorce, because I had finally reached the point where I needed to be me. If that makes any sense.

But, the thing I really wanted to touch on this time is the importance of team work. See, Jess and I have hit several things were it's taken both of us to get through it. I'm not talking major disasters per se. But, still, situations which would have crushed lesser couples. Now, not all these things were easy to handle. The were handled well though. This is because we've managed to rely on each other.

So, I'm writing this for a couple reasons. One is to underscore the importance of choosing a good life partner. No one is perfect. Everyone has faults. I know I have a boat load of them. But, with the right person on your side, things are much easier to face. My last marriage was the antithesis of this: my partner was never on my side. That places me in a decent position to know what the difference between the two are.

This is at the front of my mind, because Jess and I still face things. We've been talking a lot recently. Really talking. Baring the soul kind of stuff. We had a situation with my daughter that we faced together. I really was prepared to throw up my hands in disgust. I think Jess was too. Had each of us faced the situation alone, I think that's what would have happened. But, we faced it together. That made the difference.

Anyway, that's my point. I've really learned the value of facing things with a real partner. For all you young ones out there, heed this lesson. Listen to all the old farts around you. It's easier to face life with a partner than it is alone.

Labels: advice, book, hint, life, love

Posted by Christopher at 17:05 | Permalink | Comments

Here's a bad thing about having been a medic: you learn to never be absolute in what you say. You're often taught to never say anything you can't guarantee. An example: you never say a patient will be fine, because you really can't be sure they will. You always try to bounce the question to someone else...

"How's my mother." "She seemed to be doing well, but you need to ask the doctor."

"Is he alive?" "Ask the nurse, she can tell you more."

In short, it's always a pass the buck deal. This can be really bad, if you adopt that in your daily communications. For me, I am always aware that I never fully know anything. Jess, my wife, says I always leave a 2 percent loop-hole. Every time I speak, I always leave a way out.

As you can imagine, this causes a bit of frustration on her part. But, it also frustrates me. For me, being such a closed person, I've learned to never really say anything. And, when I am saying something, I rarely say what is actually on my mind.

If tomorrow never comes, however, you really should be sure that what you say reflects what you feel. Or, at the very least, it should reflect reality. Sure, there are times when it's best to say nothing. Like every one's mother used to say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

But, what happens when you do say something; when that something is exactly what you feel or think?

There are many times now, that what I say is not heard. I remember my father. He would raise an issue once, then drop it. He'd leave whomever to fall on their face. It wasn't because he was an unkind man. It was simply that he had learned something, one of the few lessons he was able to teach me. People just don't listen. He didn't speak much. It wasn't because he was incapable of expressing himself. It was because people just wouldn't listen to what he had to say.

I find myself in that situation a lot. Sure, there are times I keep my mouth shut. Times when I won't say something, because I know it will make a situation worse. But there are many more times when I do say something. I say what I mean. I may not always say it well, but I do say it. And yet, what I say is not heard. So, like my father, I just don't say it all that much.

Because, really, what's the point of talking, if no one is going to listen? I've told various people in my life that I don't talk just to hear myself speak. I'm not really all that fond of my voice. When I talk, I want it to mean something. I then get frustrated with people when they don't listen, don't believe what it is I'm saying.

And, that's the crux of the matter. Because, when you think about it, I'm being a bit of a hypocrite... If so much of my speech is non-specific, how can I expect people to know when it is I am being specific? It's something to really ponder. When you speak, it really should mean something. Not only might those words be your very last, but it's your opportunity to express yourself. I think if people speak, the words should hold some value. Hell, that's why we all hate politicians: everyone knows what they say is nothing but hot air.

There's another component to it. The ability to communicate is often at the core learning to trust someone. Humans communicate in a variety of ways: spoken language, body language, the written form, etc. An article about trust I recently read sums it up fairly well:

But what is trust? It could be said that it is a sensation, a hunch, a gut feeling. However, it is possible to be more precise. It can be claimed that trust is simultaneously a bodily sensation, an emotion and a linguistic phenomenon (a. judgement or an opinion). A gut feeling can be the emotional and bodily component of trust, and not being able to articulate it simply means we have not yet developed the linguistic component.

...

We develop a reputation for being trustworthy or untrustworthy through our actions. Much of this reputation comes from how we enter into making arrangements and being dependable around the agreements and commitments we make. Do our actions match our words?

It's something I've been trying to teach my daughter. Your actions reveal who you are. If your actions don't match your words (or your words don't match your actions), you erode trust. Once the trust starts to erode, people believe what you say less. It becomes a vicious cycle, which is very hard to escape.

And, I guess that's what it comes down to for me. What I'm trying to say is, I understand (more than most) the importance of not saying certain things. But, when one does speak, it's very important that one's words and actions are in alignment. For me it's a very difficult thing to do, because I understand how transient certain things can be. But, at the same time, I don't talk to hear my own voice. Otherwise, it all just becomes hot air anyway...

Labels: book, life, rant

Posted by Christopher at 07:58 | Permalink | Comments

So, Jess finally made me watch Brokeback Mountain. Not a bad movie, as movies go, I guess. But, not quite up my ally, either. As well as we mesh, she and I tend to have very different tastes in movies. She likes movies that make one think. I like movies that let me turn on, tune in, and drop out.

Anyway, it's not a bad movie. Certainly not an action flick by any stretch of the imagination. And no, for all you 'phobes out there (who haven't seen it), it's not gay porn. It's worth watching, but it's not at the top of my list. If you haven't seen the movie, much of the rest of this post may not make much sense.

And no, don't think that I'm writing this as a movie review. She asked me what I thought of the movie. As I said. It was decent. But, I had a problem with it. And no, it wasn't the homosexuality.

Here's what bothered me about the movie. For the entire movie, which spanned a greater part of the lives of the men, the two men in question spent the entire time lying to their partners. See, both men took (female) spouses. They raised families. Led what heterosexuals would call normal lives. But they never shared their core being with their partners.

Arguably, the setting of the movie wasn't conducive to such a revelation. The movie was set in a time were homosexuals were not well accepted in society. There were a few scenes in the movie where that was well illustrated: the punishment for homosexuality was death, loss of jobs, etc.

Still, I'm not sure that excuses the lie. Because, that one lie led to more lies. The men would often take 'fishing trips' together. Of course, there was no fishing. The trips were nothing more than excuses for the men to have a weekend of sex with one another. It was also a time for them to keep alive a relationship which they had formed in the beginning of the movie. The entire time, both men never revealed to their spouses what was really happening.

The question is, were they cheating on their wives?

The men weren't seeing other women. But, neither were they remaining true to their spouses nor themselves. One of the men was actively trying to take their relationship to a new level. They were constantly lying to their spouses. If you remove the gender of the characters (men and spouses) from the equation, it's infidelity pure and simple. A is married to B. C is married to D. A and C get together and fuck. B and D don't know, and probably wouldn't approve anyway. Thus, A and C are cheating on their spouses.


And that's the crux. It opens the possibilities for so much to go wrong. The subtle dishonesty that covers up the liaisons can lead to doubts and suspicions which may or may not be well founded. It can eat at the core of an otherwise healthy relationship.

The other thought is, were either of the men really in love with their spouses. If they felt the need to find physical and emotional gratification in the arms of another, were they really in love? Were they ever really committed to their spouses? Exactly how much of the situation was a lie? When you think about it, the lines become real fuzzy, real quick.

In the end, I still can't decide if the men were committing acts of infidelity. They were good husbands. They cared for their wives and children. But, I just can't escape the feeling that, somehow, they were putting lust before love.

Labels: life, love, sex

Posted by Christopher at 16:27 | Permalink | Comments

Have you ever stopped to consider what couples share with one another? What is it that makes a couple a couple, rather than just two good friends? What is it they give to one another, to the relationship, that make it something special?

Trust

Trust is a big one, I think. Really, what's the point of being with someone, if you cannot trust him or her? Trust is the foundation on which the rest of the relationship is built. I remember the old Sunday school parable; how a man with faith has built his house on rock, while a man without has built his house on sand. It's the same thing with relationships, if you don't have the foundation of trust, there isn't much of a foundation?

So, that leads me to wonder, how is trust built? There are people who trust others immediately. There are other people who give out there trust slowly, with caution. But, really, how do you know if that trust is well founded, unless it is put to the test. Or, is trust there if it's never been put to the test? What, then, to do if the trust is violated? What if it's just a perceived violation?

I guess, where I'm going with this part is simply that any (meaningful) relationship must be based on trust. If you can't trust the person you're with, there's something wrong. Your partner must be the one person you know will be open with you. After all, you are facing the world together, it helps to know if they have your back or not.

But, really, trust is shared in many different types of relationships. So, I guess it's not exclusive to a couple. I'm just saying that it really needs to be there, or nothing else can really follow.

Intimacy

I think, the real defining characteristic of a couple is the intimacy. And no, I'm not just speaking of the physical intimacy. I'm more referring to the closeness of the two people.

Who is it you confide in? Who is it you talk to? Who is the one person you know you can expose yourself to without worry? Questions of that reveal the emotional intimacy. Sure, you might share things with your friends. But, really, at the end of the day, it's your partner who really knows you; your desires, fears, comforts.

Who is it you count on? Who will be at your side when the shit hits the fan? Who is it that believes in you, when no one else does? Who would face the world with you? I think this one really shows the trust a lot. It's like combat, I guess. A lot of training for soldiers concentrates on building the trust in the group. You have to know the person to your right isn't going to leave you hanging.

And yes, there is the physical side. Sure, there are people who have open relationships, are attracted to more than one sex, or are just into odd stuff. I guess I can see the point they make; that if you're secure in your relationship, there's no worry about sharing the physical with others.

But, here's the thing. I could keep going on like this. If you take each point on its own, there's not a lot that is exclusive to a couple. Not much the two people can say only belongs to them. Everything else is shared with strangers, acquaintances, etc. So, I guess I'm saying, if you're part of a couple, you need to watch those things closely. If you don't, you cheapen the whole thing. Hell, if you don't, you run the risk of damaging the very foundation upon which the relationship is built: trust.

So, ladies and germs, keep that in mind. Remember to keep what's special in your relationship just that: special.

Labels: life, love

Posted by Christopher at 00:47 | Permalink | Comments

Time is a funny thing. It can work for you, or it can work against you. Which way it goes, depends on how you handle it. Or, more accurately, when and how you spend it. If you squander it, you'll soon discover that it works against you.

I've read the Rich Dad books, written by Kiyosaki. First, I'd recommend them to just about anyone. Some 20% of the books are advertisements for his products. But, there is a lot of good stuff in them. At the very least, reading even the first, Rich Dad, Poor Dad, will give you new ways of looking at things.

In his book, Kiyosaki raises a very interesting question: "What is the most valuable resource (commodity) in existence?" The answer to that question is simple: time. Time is the one thing, once spent, can never be regained. When it's gone, it's gone.

The point Kiyosaki makes is, if you waste time, you're screwed. This is especially important with finances. If you don't pay when you're young, you'll pay when you're old.

Sooner or later, you do your time. When you do it, is up to you.

I have the pleasure of being the father of a 15yo girl. She's a pretty decent kid, with a decent head on her shoulders. The trouble is, she's discovered boys. Not, necessarily a bad thing, but she's now putting them ahead of everything else.

Some two weeks ago, she fought with Jess and myself about taking the NYS Regents exam for her grade. She whined and cried that she couldn't do it. First, I have to say something my ex used to say, "Can't means you won't. Won't means you're lazy." My daughter likes to do that a lot though, shed crocodile tears over something, so she doesn't have to do it.

Now, she has the chance to go camping with family members, and go to Washington, D.C. She's eking out of it, because (I think) it will mean a week apart from her current beau. (She's had four or five in the past two months.)

Ok, so I get it. I hate to be apart from Jess. Jess and I are one of those couples. You know the ones; they're together all the time. Joined at the hip. I always thought those couples were pathetic. But, really, my daughter is a bit young to even know what love is, let alone to have found it.

So, back on topic. To snake out of the family trip (which I think would be a good thing), she's citing the Regents exam which will be on the 16th. Now, mind you, she's not studied for this test. Instead, she's spent all her time with the beau d'jour.

Two weeks ago, she fought tooth and nail that she couldn't pass. Now she doesn't want to. Only now, she wants to use it as an excuse. During that fight, I finally got tired of it. I told her it was completely up to her. She's 15. In a few short years, she'll be out in the world. The decisions she's making now will affect her for the rest of her life. She's the one that will have to live with the consequences.

And that's where I'm going with this. She's at the point where she has a choice. She can do her time now. Get it over with. Work now. Or, she can goof off now. Be part of the cool crowd, or whatever. Then, twenty years from now, she can be scraping just to get by.

This is personal experience for me. I'm pushing 40. I'm now in a career I could have easily started some 15 years ago. In five years, the Good Lord willing, I'll be making six figures. I'll have changed my entire financial position. The problem is, I starved the last 15 years. I could have been doing this then. Which means, I'd be fucking retired by now.

Mind you, I'm happy with where I'm now. I just wish I could have gotten here much sooner.

So, that's what I'm saying here. Soon or late, you'll do your time. Do it now, before it's too late.

Labels: advice, book, life, time

Posted by Christopher at 11:41 | Permalink | Comments

I've been tossing a phrase around lately: emotional blackmail. I'm not sure if the phrase has an official meaning or not. If it does, it may or may not relate to how I use the phrase. Read: I'm too lazy to bother Googling (??) it. Too lazy to bother Googling that too...

Anyway...

Emotional blackmail is, to me, is the act of people using your emotions against you in an attempt to coerce you into actions they wish you to take. (Whew, that was a mouthful.) I think mothers are a master at this. It's the old ploy, "I gave birth to you, how could you do that..." There are others: "If you loved me...", "Do this or I won't talk to you...", etc. Basically, do x or you will suffer y where y is a consequence based on emotion (as opposed to financial or physical consequences).

A lot of the changes I've made in my life over the past two years have been done to remove sources of emotional blackmail from life. By and large, I have been fairly successful. The result has been a vast improvement in my self esteem. I'm happier now. I feel better. Things around me, in general, are much better than they were. There's less stress in my life.

It's early, and I'm tired, so I don't think I'm going to really go too far with this. I just wanted to throw it out. Let my (all of) two readers know that emotional blackmail is a Bad Thing. If you find that you're involved in a relationship where this regularly occurs, you should probably evaluate said relationship.

My ex constantly used it. I acquiesced to the point that it was having real, physical and mental consequences. I was feeling like ass, and thinking some very not good thoughts. She still tries to use it. Though, lately, I've responded to it less. There is still a tendency to submit to the bullying. But, I've also noticed, the less I submit, the better things become.

My mother and her significant other use it too. In not yielding to their blackmail, I've suffered negative, financial consequences. Pretty harsh ones, at that.

Jess is dealing with it from many of her friends (sic). They have reduced (or eliminated) their contact with her, based on her involvement with me. My daughter deals with it all the time, in the form of peer pressure. Her peers treat her like ass, if she chooses not to conform.

I guess, what I'm saying is pretty simple: if people feel the need to treat you like that, or to use your feelins against you, are they really friends? Do they really deserve to have that power over you?

In looking at my situation, I feel better about myself. That's what it comes down to for me: that I feel better about myself. I don't allow others (or I try not to at least) the power to dictate how I feel about my life, and myself. It's made quite a difference. Sure, it's cost me (things), but it's gained me so much more...

Labels: book, life

Posted by Christopher at 04:17 | Permalink | Comments

So, it's been a while since I posted. Jess is away for the night, Amanda is out with her beau, I'm home alone. That means I've got time on my hands, and have to find something to keep occupied, so I don't go insane. In other words, I'm going to write a post or two. Just to keep busy. I'm not even sure the point of them.

First, and update on my life. The paperwork for the divorce has finally been completed. The goal is in sight, and it's (literally) a matter of days until it's done. Yay! I really, really can't wait for the day I get the notice. That will likely be one of the best days of my life.

Divorce is funny, I guess. I remember when I entered into the marriage. My parents always used to preach about how marriage was forever. Divorce wasn't an option. So, you'd best damn well choose wisely. I didn't, of course, and I've suffered the consequences. It (divorce) really should be a sad affair. It's never a good thing when a couple falls apart, especially when they are married. And, really, until I initiated mine, I was against them. That's changed oh so much now.

See, I finally realized that I am important. That my hopes, dreams, desires, needs, etc. are important. It's not a crime to pursue them. It's not a crime to insist they are met. Sure, if you take it too far, it's a Bad Thing. But, ultimately, you have to look out for number one. If you don't, how can you look out for anyone else?

So, my divorce was as much a quest to find myself, to complete myself, as it was anything else. I had finally become weary of being treated like garbage. It finally occurred to me that I deserved better. Did these realizations come too late? Sure. But, at least they came.

In other words, divorce isn't always as bad as people think it is. I think that a lot of them occur, because people don't really think about commitment. They enter a union with rose colored glasses. Ultimately though, it's important to recognize that staying in a bad relationship (married or not) is a Bad Thing. It does more damage than good.

To illustrate that, I submit my current relationship. Jess and I each have our issues. There's no doubt about that. We each carry baggage that will affect our relationship for the rest of our lives. But, there's a dramatic difference in how we treat one another, and how we treat our relationship. We each get as much out of the relationship as we put in. More importantly, we put in what we want. That, really, is what our relationship is about: want. We both want it. It's good for us. We're not in it out of obligation.

So, I guess where I'm going with this is that I'm glad I took the steps I did. I'm in a much better place now as compared to the past. I feel better mentally and physically. That, in turn, has enabled me to involve myself in a healthy relationship. Which, makes me feel better... Hmm, seems like a pattern there or something.

In other words, don't stick to something bad, because you feel you must. In the end, it will just destroy you. There are healthy things out there. When you find them, the difference is completely amazing.

Labels: advice, divorce, life

Posted by Christopher at 19:46 | Permalink | Comments

Have you ever thought about something which might happen? How you might react to it? How you would handle it? What you would think, do, say if it ever happened? How you would feel? You know it's a possibility. The strange thing is, no matter how much you think about it, you never really know. That is, until you are faced with the situation.

There are professions which are oriented around that paradigm. Soldiers are a good example. Basic training, combat training, and the rest are geared towards programming someone to react in a given way to a given set of circumstances. Yet, with all the training, there is still the soldier that will freeze in a combat situation. Let's face it, simulation isn't real life.

The concept can be applied to more ethereal concepts. How does one feel about abortion? Murder with cause? Assisted suicide? The death of a loved one? Lust vs love? Infidelity?

Let's face it. It's easy to be an arm-chair quarterback. It's easy to look at a situation from the outside, and give an objective opinion. Once you become involved, it becomes more complex. It's easy to say, "If happens, I'll be ok with it." "If happens, I'd do this." But, until actually happens (or looks like it's going to happen) to you, there's simply know way to know.

So, what to do about such a situation? I'm not really sure. Imho, there's no real way to be sure, until the metal hits the meat.

Situations...

When I split with my Ex, I had decided a couple things. I knew that I would want another relationship. Life is too much fun to be alone. Rather, I think it's more fun to share it with someone.

Yet, at the same time, I also knew I wouldn't be getting emotionally involved. In fact, I have never really been emotionally involved. I mean, I have to an extent. But there has always been a part of me that was removed from the situation. Some part of me that was apart enough to allow me the ability to disconnect. I never thought I'd give that up, yet I have. It's been a good thing. Truly.

When it came to treating patients, I was excellent in the field. There wasn't a situation that could be thrown at me that would rattle me. I always responded as my training dictated. Unless, of course, I knew the training hadn't fully prepared me. Then, I'd come up with my own solution. Still, I was never rattled.

Circumstances

So. Why the difference? I think it's a matter of emotional involvement. And, I think there's something more to it: Circumstances matter. It's never possible to anticipate all the factors surrounding a given situation. The circumstances change, affect things, make a difference. It's up to you to decide how the circumstances affect a situation. More to the point, it's up to you to decide how you will react.

One of my favorite television shows is Battlestar Galactica. There's a scene in BSG, in which the one of the leads, Cmdr. Adama, is talking about an incident. They had ordered a large civilian ship destroyed. There was good cause for the order. He summed it up by saying he hoped his superior would understand that circumstances matter."

There's a situation that's been on my mind. How I thought I'd react, and how I actually did react are two completely different things. The differences aren't bad, they're just, well, different. I think the difference in my reaction is that the circumstances changed. That is to say, what I thought the circumstances would be, weren't. Again, circumstances matter.

So what's the point?

That's one of the things I think that Taoism tries to teach. Keep an open mind. Preconceived notions can screw you. You also have to recognize that circumstances change. How they change can dramatically affect how you respond to a situation.

On the flip-side. When people don't react the way you think they should, consider the circumstances of their situation. It's easy to judge, because you weren't involved. It's the involvement that makes all the difference.

Labels: advice, book, life

Posted by Christopher at 10:33 | Permalink | Comments

I've been writing in a journal, coding my arse off, and vexing over a matter close to my heart. On top of that, I've managed to make a couple blog posts. I want to post again, but not really sure where to go with the post. All that said, I thought I'd take a stab at another of Balthasar Gracian's aphorisms.



So, without much pretext, here's one...

224. Never take Things against the Grain,
no matter how they come. Everything has a smooth and a seamy side, and the best weapon wounds if taken by the blade, while the enemy's spear may be our best protection if taken by the staff. Many things cause pain which would cause pleasure if you regarded their advantages. There is a favourable and an unfavourable side to everything, the cleverness consists in finding out the favourable. The same thing looks quite different in another light; look at it therefore on its best side and do not exchange good for evil. Thus it haps that many find joy, many grief, in everything. This remark is a great protection against the frowns of fortune, and a weighty rule of life for all times and all conditions.

I like this one. I think it hints at the core of Taoism. Not that I'm the greatest of Taoists. Hell, you probably really shouldn't even take my advice. But, if you're foolish enough to read on, then you take what you get.

What he's saying here ties in with an earlier post. It's all about attitudes. It's also about taking the path of least resistance. It's about finding the good. Actually, Gracian makes reference to this in several aphorisms.

Mind you, I don't think he's saying you need to ignore the bad of something. But, rather, find the good in it. Whatever that good may be. Often, the trick to finding the way to accomplish something lies in seeing what can be accomplished. You can often defeat yourself, simply by not taking the time to see what you can do.

Labels: gracian, life

Posted by Christopher at 18:48 | Permalink | Comments

I love Balthasar Gracian. The man wasn't terribly original. He often contradicted himself. Yet, a lot of his aphorisms can really make you think. Well, make you think if you're the thinking type. I think I am the thinking type. (I guess I should mention that I've been coding for about twenty hours. My eyes and brain are a little fried. -- Oh, and I haven't slept much in two days. Whee!!!)

So, I try to meditate (medicate?) on one or two of Gracian's aphorisms a day. By try, I mean I actually get around to do it about once a week or so. But hey, it's the thought that counts, right? So, for various reasons, I have some time on my hands. That makes for some reading and meditating. Which brings me to...

258: Find out some one to share your Troubles.
You will never be all alone, even in dangers, nor bear all the burden of hate. Some think by their high position to carry off the whole glory of success, and have to bear the whole humiliation of defeat. In this way they have none to excuse them, none to share the blame. Neither fate nor the mob are so bold against two. Hence the wise physician, if he has failed to cure, looks out for some one who, under the name of a consultation, may help him carry out, the corpse. Share weight and woe, for misfortune falls with double force on him that stands alone.

Ok, I know. I've been pushing the relationship thing pretty hard in my last few posts. There's reason for that. I'm in one. Imagine that. In a pretty good one, actually. It has ups and downs, as with any relationship. But, overall, it's been pretty good.

See, for me, I feel I've managed to do just that. I've found someone to share my troubles. She's a decent sort, but she has issues. Then again, the same can be said of me. Actually, it can be said of anyone. But, in the end, I've found The One with whom I can share my troubles.

I've often said that it's the bad times, not the good times, which define a relationship. Anyone can be a friend when things are going well. Anyone can be in love, as long as things are perfect. It's easy. The good times are just that: good. That means they're often not very hard.

The bad times. Now, there's the difference. When you're down, when the world is going against you, when your luck has run out; that's when you find out who your friends really are. That's when you find out if your partner has the salt to stick with it.

Which is where Gracian is coming from, I think. Not just someone to share the blame. But someone to share the weight. Taking on too much can crush any man (or woman). Finding that person to share that weight with, who will do it no matter what, can make all the difference.

I've managed to find my partner. We've gone through some interesting times. But, in the end, she's that one I can share the troubles with. She tends not to share as much with me, but I like to think that I take some of the weight off her as well. Truly, it's made all the difference for me.

Labels: advice, book, gracian, life

Posted by Christopher at 20:16 | Permalink | Comments

Jess and I have been together for something like nine months. In the grand scheme of things, that isn't very long. But in many ways, it seems we've been together for much longer. (And, no, I don't mean that in a bad way.) (And, yes, I'm sure you've heard that before.)

See, from the very first, we really talked with one another. We were open and sincere. I don't have a clue how much time we spent on the phone, but it was a lot. I mean a lot. Like four or five hours a night, every night, for months. That's when we weren't together. Then, when we weren't together, or on the phone, we've maintained contact via a chat client (go Google Talk).

It's a new experience for me. While I'm no senior citizen (hey, watch the comments), I'm no spring chicken either (thanks for that one Jess). Yet, in all this time, there have only been a few that have come close to me. And only one, that being Jess, who has made it all the way in. She's been the only one willing to enter the chaos of my thoughts. She understands them. More importantly, she accepts them.

I'm mentioning this now, because we will be apart for the coming week. It's not a long time. There are soldiers, truck drivers, and others who have been apart from their loved ones for much longer periods of time. And yet, for as short a time as it is, I'm dreading the separation.

See, I've finally found my best friend. A person from who I do not have to hide my inner thoughts. She's listened to me when I've ranted, comforted me when I've been down, and laughed with me when I've been up. (Actually, she's laughed at me quite a bit too, but that's another story.) I've always been a loner. That person who can socialize. The one who can liven up a party when I so choose (yes, Jess, I really can). But, ultimately, no one has ever been allowed to know me.

The problem, for me, is that while I've been a loner, I've never really been lonely. I've never had a problem with entertaining myself (sans KY, people). It's always been easy to retreat into my own little world, my own bubble, and ignore everyone else. But now that I've met Jess, now that she's part of my life, I know what it is to be lonely.

There's an advertisement that plays on the TV from time to time. It's got an older couple in it. They say they've been together for fifty-plus years, and have never been apart. How lucky they are. How lucky they are.

It's not all that bad. She won't be far. I'm sure we'll find a way to sneak a few moments together. But, at the same time, I know there will be many times when I'm at idle. That's when I'll feel the loneliness.

We were talking about it. She brought up how much she loved me. Just in case something happened. And, I guess that's why I'm writing this. Because, deep down, it's what I really fear. What if something does happen? It could be anything, really. But what if it does?

Some time ago, I wrote an entry on choosing your last words. On considering that, at some point in your life, you will utter your last words. That entry has come back to me in these last times. It really holds special meaning to me.

So, you've read all this for me to repeat myself. Always remember that your time with your loved ones is limited. I will miss her terribly, this short time we'll be apart. I've told her. I've shown her. I can only hope she really knows.

In the end, I think everyone should consider that. Just in case something happens...

Labels: advice, life

Posted by Christopher at 18:31 | Permalink | Comments