Whee! Ima Taoist?

Isn't it funny how quickly you can turn on yourself. How you can be your own worst enemy? I know I am. Nothing I do is ever good enough for me. It gets so bad, that there are times I don't bother trying.

I've recently had a major character flaw pointed out to me. I've always been like this, and I'm not sure why. I remember my father pointed it out years ago. When he did, I never really gave it much thought. His words (and yes, I still remember them), "You're great in an emergency, but you're sporadic the rest of the time."

Like I said, I never really gave it much thought. I've got an amazing memory for some things. Sometimes, they're really stupid little things. If the world explodes, it doesn't phase me at all. In fact, the more intense a situation, the more calm I am.

And yet, I forget so much. People toss out phrases like, "I'd forget my head if it weren't attached." Unfortunately, that is very true for me. When I can get into a routine, I'll follow it without fail. But, if I don't have that routine, you may as well forget it.

I'm also the world's greatest procrastinator. I must have ten todo lists. Great. Except I forget to check them. Then, when I do, I get distracted and forget to follow up on them. If I do plan on something, the slightest distraction can throw me off. Then I forget it.

The problem for me now is, I actually care about trying to remember stuff. It's driving me insane that I don't. I've tried all ways manner of techniques to work on this. I've carried the small pad in my pocket. I've used electronic todo thing-a-ma-bobs with notices. Emails. You name it, I've tried it. Nothing seems to work.

So now, again, I've forgotten something again. The result, I failed someone dear to me. Again. They'll read this. And, I guess, in a way, this is something of an apology to them.

But, in the end, I fucked up. Again.

So, I'm trying to figure out how to forgive myself. Or, if I even should. If someone can't count on me to do something simple, how can they count on me at all? If they can't count on me, then what's the point? I know I want to be that steady person, but I seem to fail miserably.

So, to those that I've failed, I'd like to apologize. It's not much, but it's all I can do.

To myself. Meh. No forgiveness there.

Labels: journal

Posted by Christopher at 08:53 | Permalink | Comments

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

That saying irritates me. I think it irritates me, because it's true. But, I don't think people realize how true it is. And yet, at the same time, it's not true. Far from it, in fact.

On Family...

Ok, so you really can't choose your family. They are who they are, and you're stuck with them. Good for you, if you drew a good family. More's the pitty if you didn't.

There's a lot of idioms about this topic. Blood is thicker than water, is a popular one. People are saying that family are the most important. Familial bonds override all others. And yet, you can't choose your family.

So, what constitutes family? It's those people you're related to by birth. It doesn't matter what kind of person they are. So, why is it so important you stick with them. What if they're a bunch of assholes? What if they don't have your best interests at heart? Is it reasonable for you to place them above all others? I'm not so sure.

Now, if we take that blood is thicker than water, isn't it a two-way street? Shouldn't family be there to back you up, no matter the circumstances? If they don't, can they really be considered family? I think the implication is that family should share unconditional love. What, then, if your family places conditions on its love?

On Friends...

Friends are different. Often, one can form closer bonds with friends than with one's own family. Afterall, you have the opportunity to select your friends. You can interview them, spend time with them, see if you like them. If they pass the test, then they can stay. If not, you drop them.

What is a friend anyway? I've always thought that a friend (something more than an acquaintance) is someone you've shared time with. Someone who looks out for your best interests. Someone who sticks with you, even when you're not at your best.

I think, though, it's acceptable for limits to be placed on friendship. It's expected.

Some Thoughts...

Jess and I have been tossing this subject around quite a bit. She and I have different views on what constitutes family and friendship, on how one interracts with them, and on what to do if they're not all they're supposed to be.

Speaking of my family, they're not bad people. They've helped me out quite a bit. I've helped them out. I will forever be greatful for the things they've done, along with the times they've had my back. And yet, I've recently discovered that my family and I have reached the limits of those bonds. Once I took my life in my own hands, I started to see that their dedication had their limits. Their love came with conditions.

Friends are a different topic for me. I have very few friends. I'd like to think it's because I am very selective of my friends. More likely, it's because I'm very abrasive. Either way, there are few people in my life which are considered friends. There have been several which came close, but were discarded for one reason or another.

The Problem...

One problem I've encountered recently is this: what if you can't pick your friends, but you can pick your family? See, that's the situation that arises when you choose to involve yourself in a serious relationship. That other person comes with a collection of friends and with family. Unfortunately for me, I interact with the family better than with the friends. I just can't figure out why.

See, I'm that type of person that can move in all circles. I can speak on almost any level. Relate to almost any clique. Yet, for some reason, I haven't been able to integrate into Jess' clique of friends. Worse yet, there have been several friends which have abadoned her now that she's involved herself in a serious relationship. The same is true on my side. I know my involvement in a relationship has broken certain ties. Ties which, based on the above, should not have been broken.

For my part, I'm a pretty easy going type of person. There's not much which will truly irritate me. But, there are certain boundaries that are important to me. When it comes to my partner, how she's treated, how people treat our relationship, I'm very sensitive. That includes my family and friends. If they can't respect who I am and who I'm with, then are they really friends? If my family can't, are they really family?

Remember that song, When A Man Loves A Woman? In it, there's a line which reads, "He'd turn his back on his best friend, if he put her down." I'm like that. If you can't respect my partner, I have no place in my life for you. I think it's rooted in the fact that if you can't respect her, then you're not respecting me. Hence, you're not respecting my choices.

Sure, friends should be the first ones who are telling you that your'e being stupid. But, in the end, isn't being a friend more important than that? I mean, if you're a friend, isn't it more important you stick with them? Even when you think they're doing something wrong?

The Solution....

I guess I really don't have one to this situation. For me, selecting a partner is that one chance you have to select family. You're essentially declaring that person as family. It's the one chance you have to say this person is blood, and I have made them so. To my friends, you'll either accept it, live with it, or not. But, in the end, if you don't like it, I don't care.

And, if your friends choose not to accept your partner, what does that say about them? Are they really friends? Is it fair for them to treat you in a certain way, because you have made a choice to be happy?

For me, I think the solution lies in defining your boundaries. What is and is not acceptable to you. But, in the end, I just don't understand how someone can call themselves a friend, and not be supportive of live decisions. Worse yet what if it's family who aren't supporting your decisions?

For me, I guess, the solution is simple. I cut those people out of my life. It's too short to deal with people who aren't going to support me. And, I have no problem not having them in my life. So, I know where I'm going, and (roughly) how I'm going to get there.

And that's it in a nutshell. You're either with me, or you're against me. It's as simple as that.

Labels: advice, book, friends, love

Posted by Christopher at 08:39 | Permalink | Comments

Have you ever thought about something which might happen? How you might react to it? How you would handle it? What you would think, do, say if it ever happened? How you would feel? You know it's a possibility. The strange thing is, no matter how much you think about it, you never really know. That is, until you are faced with the situation.

There are professions which are oriented around that paradigm. Soldiers are a good example. Basic training, combat training, and the rest are geared towards programming someone to react in a given way to a given set of circumstances. Yet, with all the training, there is still the soldier that will freeze in a combat situation. Let's face it, simulation isn't real life.

The concept can be applied to more ethereal concepts. How does one feel about abortion? Murder with cause? Assisted suicide? The death of a loved one? Lust vs love? Infidelity?

Let's face it. It's easy to be an arm-chair quarterback. It's easy to look at a situation from the outside, and give an objective opinion. Once you become involved, it becomes more complex. It's easy to say, "If happens, I'll be ok with it." "If happens, I'd do this." But, until actually happens (or looks like it's going to happen) to you, there's simply know way to know.

So, what to do about such a situation? I'm not really sure. Imho, there's no real way to be sure, until the metal hits the meat.

Situations...

When I split with my Ex, I had decided a couple things. I knew that I would want another relationship. Life is too much fun to be alone. Rather, I think it's more fun to share it with someone.

Yet, at the same time, I also knew I wouldn't be getting emotionally involved. In fact, I have never really been emotionally involved. I mean, I have to an extent. But there has always been a part of me that was removed from the situation. Some part of me that was apart enough to allow me the ability to disconnect. I never thought I'd give that up, yet I have. It's been a good thing. Truly.

When it came to treating patients, I was excellent in the field. There wasn't a situation that could be thrown at me that would rattle me. I always responded as my training dictated. Unless, of course, I knew the training hadn't fully prepared me. Then, I'd come up with my own solution. Still, I was never rattled.

Circumstances

So. Why the difference? I think it's a matter of emotional involvement. And, I think there's something more to it: Circumstances matter. It's never possible to anticipate all the factors surrounding a given situation. The circumstances change, affect things, make a difference. It's up to you to decide how the circumstances affect a situation. More to the point, it's up to you to decide how you will react.

One of my favorite television shows is Battlestar Galactica. There's a scene in BSG, in which the one of the leads, Cmdr. Adama, is talking about an incident. They had ordered a large civilian ship destroyed. There was good cause for the order. He summed it up by saying he hoped his superior would understand that circumstances matter."

There's a situation that's been on my mind. How I thought I'd react, and how I actually did react are two completely different things. The differences aren't bad, they're just, well, different. I think the difference in my reaction is that the circumstances changed. That is to say, what I thought the circumstances would be, weren't. Again, circumstances matter.

So what's the point?

That's one of the things I think that Taoism tries to teach. Keep an open mind. Preconceived notions can screw you. You also have to recognize that circumstances change. How they change can dramatically affect how you respond to a situation.

On the flip-side. When people don't react the way you think they should, consider the circumstances of their situation. It's easy to judge, because you weren't involved. It's the involvement that makes all the difference.

Labels: advice, book, life

Posted by Christopher at 10:33 | Permalink | Comments

I've been writing in a journal, coding my arse off, and vexing over a matter close to my heart. On top of that, I've managed to make a couple blog posts. I want to post again, but not really sure where to go with the post. All that said, I thought I'd take a stab at another of Balthasar Gracian's aphorisms.



So, without much pretext, here's one...

224. Never take Things against the Grain,
no matter how they come. Everything has a smooth and a seamy side, and the best weapon wounds if taken by the blade, while the enemy's spear may be our best protection if taken by the staff. Many things cause pain which would cause pleasure if you regarded their advantages. There is a favourable and an unfavourable side to everything, the cleverness consists in finding out the favourable. The same thing looks quite different in another light; look at it therefore on its best side and do not exchange good for evil. Thus it haps that many find joy, many grief, in everything. This remark is a great protection against the frowns of fortune, and a weighty rule of life for all times and all conditions.

I like this one. I think it hints at the core of Taoism. Not that I'm the greatest of Taoists. Hell, you probably really shouldn't even take my advice. But, if you're foolish enough to read on, then you take what you get.

What he's saying here ties in with an earlier post. It's all about attitudes. It's also about taking the path of least resistance. It's about finding the good. Actually, Gracian makes reference to this in several aphorisms.

Mind you, I don't think he's saying you need to ignore the bad of something. But, rather, find the good in it. Whatever that good may be. Often, the trick to finding the way to accomplish something lies in seeing what can be accomplished. You can often defeat yourself, simply by not taking the time to see what you can do.

Labels: gracian, life

Posted by Christopher at 18:48 | Permalink | Comments

I love Balthasar Gracian. The man wasn't terribly original. He often contradicted himself. Yet, a lot of his aphorisms can really make you think. Well, make you think if you're the thinking type. I think I am the thinking type. (I guess I should mention that I've been coding for about twenty hours. My eyes and brain are a little fried. -- Oh, and I haven't slept much in two days. Whee!!!)

So, I try to meditate (medicate?) on one or two of Gracian's aphorisms a day. By try, I mean I actually get around to do it about once a week or so. But hey, it's the thought that counts, right? So, for various reasons, I have some time on my hands. That makes for some reading and meditating. Which brings me to...

258: Find out some one to share your Troubles.
You will never be all alone, even in dangers, nor bear all the burden of hate. Some think by their high position to carry off the whole glory of success, and have to bear the whole humiliation of defeat. In this way they have none to excuse them, none to share the blame. Neither fate nor the mob are so bold against two. Hence the wise physician, if he has failed to cure, looks out for some one who, under the name of a consultation, may help him carry out, the corpse. Share weight and woe, for misfortune falls with double force on him that stands alone.

Ok, I know. I've been pushing the relationship thing pretty hard in my last few posts. There's reason for that. I'm in one. Imagine that. In a pretty good one, actually. It has ups and downs, as with any relationship. But, overall, it's been pretty good.

See, for me, I feel I've managed to do just that. I've found someone to share my troubles. She's a decent sort, but she has issues. Then again, the same can be said of me. Actually, it can be said of anyone. But, in the end, I've found The One with whom I can share my troubles.

I've often said that it's the bad times, not the good times, which define a relationship. Anyone can be a friend when things are going well. Anyone can be in love, as long as things are perfect. It's easy. The good times are just that: good. That means they're often not very hard.

The bad times. Now, there's the difference. When you're down, when the world is going against you, when your luck has run out; that's when you find out who your friends really are. That's when you find out if your partner has the salt to stick with it.

Which is where Gracian is coming from, I think. Not just someone to share the blame. But someone to share the weight. Taking on too much can crush any man (or woman). Finding that person to share that weight with, who will do it no matter what, can make all the difference.

I've managed to find my partner. We've gone through some interesting times. But, in the end, she's that one I can share the troubles with. She tends not to share as much with me, but I like to think that I take some of the weight off her as well. Truly, it's made all the difference for me.

Labels: advice, book, gracian, life

Posted by Christopher at 20:16 | Permalink | Comments

Jess and I have been together for something like nine months. In the grand scheme of things, that isn't very long. But in many ways, it seems we've been together for much longer. (And, no, I don't mean that in a bad way.) (And, yes, I'm sure you've heard that before.)

See, from the very first, we really talked with one another. We were open and sincere. I don't have a clue how much time we spent on the phone, but it was a lot. I mean a lot. Like four or five hours a night, every night, for months. That's when we weren't together. Then, when we weren't together, or on the phone, we've maintained contact via a chat client (go Google Talk).

It's a new experience for me. While I'm no senior citizen (hey, watch the comments), I'm no spring chicken either (thanks for that one Jess). Yet, in all this time, there have only been a few that have come close to me. And only one, that being Jess, who has made it all the way in. She's been the only one willing to enter the chaos of my thoughts. She understands them. More importantly, she accepts them.

I'm mentioning this now, because we will be apart for the coming week. It's not a long time. There are soldiers, truck drivers, and others who have been apart from their loved ones for much longer periods of time. And yet, for as short a time as it is, I'm dreading the separation.

See, I've finally found my best friend. A person from who I do not have to hide my inner thoughts. She's listened to me when I've ranted, comforted me when I've been down, and laughed with me when I've been up. (Actually, she's laughed at me quite a bit too, but that's another story.) I've always been a loner. That person who can socialize. The one who can liven up a party when I so choose (yes, Jess, I really can). But, ultimately, no one has ever been allowed to know me.

The problem, for me, is that while I've been a loner, I've never really been lonely. I've never had a problem with entertaining myself (sans KY, people). It's always been easy to retreat into my own little world, my own bubble, and ignore everyone else. But now that I've met Jess, now that she's part of my life, I know what it is to be lonely.

There's an advertisement that plays on the TV from time to time. It's got an older couple in it. They say they've been together for fifty-plus years, and have never been apart. How lucky they are. How lucky they are.

It's not all that bad. She won't be far. I'm sure we'll find a way to sneak a few moments together. But, at the same time, I know there will be many times when I'm at idle. That's when I'll feel the loneliness.

We were talking about it. She brought up how much she loved me. Just in case something happened. And, I guess that's why I'm writing this. Because, deep down, it's what I really fear. What if something does happen? It could be anything, really. But what if it does?

Some time ago, I wrote an entry on choosing your last words. On considering that, at some point in your life, you will utter your last words. That entry has come back to me in these last times. It really holds special meaning to me.

So, you've read all this for me to repeat myself. Always remember that your time with your loved ones is limited. I will miss her terribly, this short time we'll be apart. I've told her. I've shown her. I can only hope she really knows.

In the end, I think everyone should consider that. Just in case something happens...

Labels: advice, life

Posted by Christopher at 18:31 | Permalink | Comments

So, Jess and I are watching TV the other night. On comes a commercial for some diet program; I think it was Weight Watchers (for men). One of the actors giving a testimonial made the following quote:

My wife says I'm not as disgusting as I used to be.

How frigged up is that? This guy is with a woman who says he's disgusting. Married to her, even.

On Relationships

I'm going to back up a bit, and mention a couple things about relationships. Foremost is my view of what constitutes a healthy relationship has completely changed over the past couple years. I had buried myself in a marriage which was bad. Very bad. But, I thought I was doing the right thing, so I kept it up.

The Ex and I had done some pretty crappy things to each other. Yet, for some reason we remained married. I sometimes think it was because we were content making each other miserable. Sometimes I think we honestly wanted to make it work. Things as the are (were?), it finally became clear to me that it couldn't go on. In essence, I was in a marriage that was burdened with much the same attitude.

I heard a report on the radio, where this guy was talking about relationships. The thing he noted about happy, long-term relationships was the people involved believed they were with their ideal partner. In short attitude played a major role in the longevity and the happiness of the relationship.

On Attitudes

I never really understood the importance of attitudes. Even as many of mine were limiting my success in love, life, etc. A few years ago, I worked for a man in his sixties. He used to speak of attitudes, and how they affected life. It was from him (along with my being a bit older) that I learned how important they can be.

This man used to speak of his grandmother. How she would berate him, or just plain smack him, if he spoke of something poorly. She would say something akin to, "If you say it, you think it. If you think it, you make it so." The point she was trying to teach him was his attitudes were responsible for how things turned out.

Yeah? So?

So, where I'm going with this is kinda simple. How one approaches things is often critical in how they turn out. And, if you're with someone who thinks you're disgusting, it kinda speaks for itself. If they think you are disgusting, how can they think anything good about the relationship? Which means the relationship probably isn't going to work.

At the very least, with life being so short, how can you burden yourself with such a poor thing?

Labels: life, love

Posted by Christopher at 11:03 | Permalink | Comments