Failure Is An Option
Isn't it funny how quickly you can turn on yourself. How you can be your own worst enemy? I know I am. Nothing I do is ever good enough for me. It gets so bad, that there are times I don't bother trying.
I've recently had a major character flaw pointed out to me. I've always been like this, and I'm not sure why. I remember my father pointed it out years ago. When he did, I never really gave it much thought. His words (and yes, I still remember them), "You're great in an emergency, but you're sporadic the rest of the time."
Like I said, I never really gave it much thought. I've got an amazing memory for some things. Sometimes, they're really stupid little things. If the world explodes, it doesn't phase me at all. In fact, the more intense a situation, the more calm I am.
And yet, I forget so much. People toss out phrases like, "I'd forget my head if it weren't attached." Unfortunately, that is very true for me. When I can get into a routine, I'll follow it without fail. But, if I don't have that routine, you may as well forget it.
I'm also the world's greatest procrastinator. I must have ten todo lists. Great. Except I forget to check them. Then, when I do, I get distracted and forget to follow up on them. If I do plan on something, the slightest distraction can throw me off. Then I forget it.
The problem for me now is, I actually care about trying to remember stuff. It's driving me insane that I don't. I've tried all ways manner of techniques to work on this. I've carried the small pad in my pocket. I've used electronic todo thing-a-ma-bobs with notices. Emails. You name it, I've tried it. Nothing seems to work.
So now, again, I've forgotten something again. The result, I failed someone dear to me. Again. They'll read this. And, I guess, in a way, this is something of an apology to them.
But, in the end, I fucked up. Again.
So, I'm trying to figure out how to forgive myself. Or, if I even should. If someone can't count on me to do something simple, how can they count on me at all? If they can't count on me, then what's the point? I know I want to be that steady person, but I seem to fail miserably.
So, to those that I've failed, I'd like to apologize. It's not much, but it's all I can do.
To myself. Meh. No forgiveness there.
I've recently had a major character flaw pointed out to me. I've always been like this, and I'm not sure why. I remember my father pointed it out years ago. When he did, I never really gave it much thought. His words (and yes, I still remember them), "You're great in an emergency, but you're sporadic the rest of the time."
Like I said, I never really gave it much thought. I've got an amazing memory for some things. Sometimes, they're really stupid little things. If the world explodes, it doesn't phase me at all. In fact, the more intense a situation, the more calm I am.
And yet, I forget so much. People toss out phrases like, "I'd forget my head if it weren't attached." Unfortunately, that is very true for me. When I can get into a routine, I'll follow it without fail. But, if I don't have that routine, you may as well forget it.
I'm also the world's greatest procrastinator. I must have ten todo lists. Great. Except I forget to check them. Then, when I do, I get distracted and forget to follow up on them. If I do plan on something, the slightest distraction can throw me off. Then I forget it.
The problem for me now is, I actually care about trying to remember stuff. It's driving me insane that I don't. I've tried all ways manner of techniques to work on this. I've carried the small pad in my pocket. I've used electronic todo thing-a-ma-bobs with notices. Emails. You name it, I've tried it. Nothing seems to work.
So now, again, I've forgotten something again. The result, I failed someone dear to me. Again. They'll read this. And, I guess, in a way, this is something of an apology to them.
But, in the end, I fucked up. Again.
So, I'm trying to figure out how to forgive myself. Or, if I even should. If someone can't count on me to do something simple, how can they count on me at all? If they can't count on me, then what's the point? I know I want to be that steady person, but I seem to fail miserably.
So, to those that I've failed, I'd like to apologize. It's not much, but it's all I can do.
To myself. Meh. No forgiveness there.
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