Friends and Family
You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.
That saying irritates me. I think it irritates me, because it's true. But, I don't think people realize how true it is. And yet, at the same time, it's not true. Far from it, in fact.
On Family...
Ok, so you really can't choose your family. They are who they are, and you're stuck with them. Good for you, if you drew a good family. More's the pitty if you didn't.
There's a lot of idioms about this topic. Blood is thicker than water, is a popular one. People are saying that family are the most important. Familial bonds override all others. And yet, you can't choose your family.
So, what constitutes family? It's those people you're related to by birth. It doesn't matter what kind of person they are. So, why is it so important you stick with them. What if they're a bunch of assholes? What if they don't have your best interests at heart? Is it reasonable for you to place them above all others? I'm not so sure.
Now, if we take that blood is thicker than water, isn't it a two-way street? Shouldn't family be there to back you up, no matter the circumstances? If they don't, can they really be considered family? I think the implication is that family should share unconditional love. What, then, if your family places conditions on its love?
On Friends...
Friends are different. Often, one can form closer bonds with friends than with one's own family. Afterall, you have the opportunity to select your friends. You can interview them, spend time with them, see if you like them. If they pass the test, then they can stay. If not, you drop them.
What is a friend anyway? I've always thought that a friend (something more than an acquaintance) is someone you've shared time with. Someone who looks out for your best interests. Someone who sticks with you, even when you're not at your best.
I think, though, it's acceptable for limits to be placed on friendship. It's expected.
Some Thoughts...
Jess and I have been tossing this subject around quite a bit. She and I have different views on what constitutes family and friendship, on how one interracts with them, and on what to do if they're not all they're supposed to be.
Speaking of my family, they're not bad people. They've helped me out quite a bit. I've helped them out. I will forever be greatful for the things they've done, along with the times they've had my back. And yet, I've recently discovered that my family and I have reached the limits of those bonds. Once I took my life in my own hands, I started to see that their dedication had their limits. Their love came with conditions.
Friends are a different topic for me. I have very few friends. I'd like to think it's because I am very selective of my friends. More likely, it's because I'm very abrasive. Either way, there are few people in my life which are considered friends. There have been several which came close, but were discarded for one reason or another.
The Problem...
One problem I've encountered recently is this: what if you can't pick your friends, but you can pick your family? See, that's the situation that arises when you choose to involve yourself in a serious relationship. That other person comes with a collection of friends and with family. Unfortunately for me, I interact with the family better than with the friends. I just can't figure out why.
See, I'm that type of person that can move in all circles. I can speak on almost any level. Relate to almost any clique. Yet, for some reason, I haven't been able to integrate into Jess' clique of friends. Worse yet, there have been several friends which have abadoned her now that she's involved herself in a serious relationship. The same is true on my side. I know my involvement in a relationship has broken certain ties. Ties which, based on the above, should not have been broken.
For my part, I'm a pretty easy going type of person. There's not much which will truly irritate me. But, there are certain boundaries that are important to me. When it comes to my partner, how she's treated, how people treat our relationship, I'm very sensitive. That includes my family and friends. If they can't respect who I am and who I'm with, then are they really friends? If my family can't, are they really family?
Remember that song, When A Man Loves A Woman? In it, there's a line which reads, "He'd turn his back on his best friend, if he put her down." I'm like that. If you can't respect my partner, I have no place in my life for you. I think it's rooted in the fact that if you can't respect her, then you're not respecting me. Hence, you're not respecting my choices.
Sure, friends should be the first ones who are telling you that your'e being stupid. But, in the end, isn't being a friend more important than that? I mean, if you're a friend, isn't it more important you stick with them? Even when you think they're doing something wrong?
The Solution....
I guess I really don't have one to this situation. For me, selecting a partner is that one chance you have to select family. You're essentially declaring that person as family. It's the one chance you have to say this person is blood, and I have made them so. To my friends, you'll either accept it, live with it, or not. But, in the end, if you don't like it, I don't care.
And, if your friends choose not to accept your partner, what does that say about them? Are they really friends? Is it fair for them to treat you in a certain way, because you have made a choice to be happy?
For me, I think the solution lies in defining your boundaries. What is and is not acceptable to you. But, in the end, I just don't understand how someone can call themselves a friend, and not be supportive of live decisions. Worse yet what if it's family who aren't supporting your decisions?
For me, I guess, the solution is simple. I cut those people out of my life. It's too short to deal with people who aren't going to support me. And, I have no problem not having them in my life. So, I know where I'm going, and (roughly) how I'm going to get there.
And that's it in a nutshell. You're either with me, or you're against me. It's as simple as that.
That saying irritates me. I think it irritates me, because it's true. But, I don't think people realize how true it is. And yet, at the same time, it's not true. Far from it, in fact.
On Family...
Ok, so you really can't choose your family. They are who they are, and you're stuck with them. Good for you, if you drew a good family. More's the pitty if you didn't.
There's a lot of idioms about this topic. Blood is thicker than water, is a popular one. People are saying that family are the most important. Familial bonds override all others. And yet, you can't choose your family.
So, what constitutes family? It's those people you're related to by birth. It doesn't matter what kind of person they are. So, why is it so important you stick with them. What if they're a bunch of assholes? What if they don't have your best interests at heart? Is it reasonable for you to place them above all others? I'm not so sure.
Now, if we take that blood is thicker than water, isn't it a two-way street? Shouldn't family be there to back you up, no matter the circumstances? If they don't, can they really be considered family? I think the implication is that family should share unconditional love. What, then, if your family places conditions on its love?
On Friends...
Friends are different. Often, one can form closer bonds with friends than with one's own family. Afterall, you have the opportunity to select your friends. You can interview them, spend time with them, see if you like them. If they pass the test, then they can stay. If not, you drop them.
What is a friend anyway? I've always thought that a friend (something more than an acquaintance) is someone you've shared time with. Someone who looks out for your best interests. Someone who sticks with you, even when you're not at your best.
I think, though, it's acceptable for limits to be placed on friendship. It's expected.
Some Thoughts...
Jess and I have been tossing this subject around quite a bit. She and I have different views on what constitutes family and friendship, on how one interracts with them, and on what to do if they're not all they're supposed to be.
Speaking of my family, they're not bad people. They've helped me out quite a bit. I've helped them out. I will forever be greatful for the things they've done, along with the times they've had my back. And yet, I've recently discovered that my family and I have reached the limits of those bonds. Once I took my life in my own hands, I started to see that their dedication had their limits. Their love came with conditions.
Friends are a different topic for me. I have very few friends. I'd like to think it's because I am very selective of my friends. More likely, it's because I'm very abrasive. Either way, there are few people in my life which are considered friends. There have been several which came close, but were discarded for one reason or another.
The Problem...
One problem I've encountered recently is this: what if you can't pick your friends, but you can pick your family? See, that's the situation that arises when you choose to involve yourself in a serious relationship. That other person comes with a collection of friends and with family. Unfortunately for me, I interact with the family better than with the friends. I just can't figure out why.
See, I'm that type of person that can move in all circles. I can speak on almost any level. Relate to almost any clique. Yet, for some reason, I haven't been able to integrate into Jess' clique of friends. Worse yet, there have been several friends which have abadoned her now that she's involved herself in a serious relationship. The same is true on my side. I know my involvement in a relationship has broken certain ties. Ties which, based on the above, should not have been broken.
For my part, I'm a pretty easy going type of person. There's not much which will truly irritate me. But, there are certain boundaries that are important to me. When it comes to my partner, how she's treated, how people treat our relationship, I'm very sensitive. That includes my family and friends. If they can't respect who I am and who I'm with, then are they really friends? If my family can't, are they really family?
Remember that song, When A Man Loves A Woman? In it, there's a line which reads, "He'd turn his back on his best friend, if he put her down." I'm like that. If you can't respect my partner, I have no place in my life for you. I think it's rooted in the fact that if you can't respect her, then you're not respecting me. Hence, you're not respecting my choices.
Sure, friends should be the first ones who are telling you that your'e being stupid. But, in the end, isn't being a friend more important than that? I mean, if you're a friend, isn't it more important you stick with them? Even when you think they're doing something wrong?
The Solution....
I guess I really don't have one to this situation. For me, selecting a partner is that one chance you have to select family. You're essentially declaring that person as family. It's the one chance you have to say this person is blood, and I have made them so. To my friends, you'll either accept it, live with it, or not. But, in the end, if you don't like it, I don't care.
And, if your friends choose not to accept your partner, what does that say about them? Are they really friends? Is it fair for them to treat you in a certain way, because you have made a choice to be happy?
For me, I think the solution lies in defining your boundaries. What is and is not acceptable to you. But, in the end, I just don't understand how someone can call themselves a friend, and not be supportive of live decisions. Worse yet what if it's family who aren't supporting your decisions?
For me, I guess, the solution is simple. I cut those people out of my life. It's too short to deal with people who aren't going to support me. And, I have no problem not having them in my life. So, I know where I'm going, and (roughly) how I'm going to get there.
And that's it in a nutshell. You're either with me, or you're against me. It's as simple as that.
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