Debts and Aphorism 214
My life has been, to use my Partner's usage, interesting, as of late. I guess that's why my last few posts have been about life and love. Over the past year, I've had to come to terms with several things: my definition of myself, boundaries which are important to me, how I feel about things and people, what's important to me, etc.
I'm not sure why, but a recent event brought to the front of my mind the concept of debts. Debts are interesting things. Rather, how one handles one's debts is what is interesting. Some people give great weight to their debts. Others shrug them off, with little concern. For me, there have always been two kinds of debts: material and honorable.
Material debts are pretty easy to sort out. Hell, I never lend money I cannot afford to give. That way, if I never see it again, no worries. You borrow something from someone, you return it. They perform a service for you, you repay them in kind; either with another service, or with money. It's always the guy who holds the marker that has the right to call in that debt. If you're a decent sort, you pay up. If not, well...
But it's the debts of honor that, I think, are one of the things which defines who we are as a person. If you say you're going to do something, you do it. If you fail to follow through, you loose something of your reputation; something of your honor. Likewise, if someone indebted themselves to you, it behooves them to make things right. To repay the debt.
But, here's the thing. Sometimes it's nice to do things without expectation of repayment. It's nice to do for someone, just to do. It's a subtle way of saying, "Hey, I care." Sure, Scrooge would have no problem tracking debts. But, I think it's nicer when people stop worrying about who owes whom. The world becomes a nicer place when you just do what's good, or what's right. No expectations.
Which leads me to another concept...
What if you've injured someone? Are you then beholden to repay that person? Doesn't it become, after a fashion, a debt of honor? Whether you repay it, how you repay it, defines who and what you are as a person. Sometimes all that is required is a simple apology, a simple acknowledgement that a wrong was done. Sometimes more is required.
The question then is this: Who determines the debt? When you say, "I owe you one." Who is to say what is owed, how much is owed? When you wrong someone, isn't it up to them to determine the extent of the injury? And, what if the other person really doesn't care? What if they've determined that no debt exists?
That's where I'm at with one particular situation in my life. I was wronged, in a way. But ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, it was not a big deal for me. I thought about the situation for a bit, and decided that there was no real debt. In days of old, the Knight would have been released from his debt, and things would have been forgotten.
Which leads me to forgiveness...
Really, there's not much point in holding a grudge. All grudges do is eat you up. They can turn things bitter. Sour. That's why the concept of forgiveness is such an important thing. Does forgiving mean forgetting? No. Forgiving just simply means that you have decided to not hold that grudge. To release the other person from their debt, so to speak.
My situation...
All this applies to my situation in that, the wrong done really was not that important to me. As I said, in the grand scheme of things, it really didn't damage anything. It was a hiccup. Nothing more, nothing less. I have forgiven; given up any feelings of hurt there may have been. I have released that debt, because it was paid. I received my apology, and am quite content with it. Water under the bridge, so to speak. And yet, the debtor cannot see that. As far as I'm concerned, shit happens. It's done. The the debtor seems to want to cling to it.
You see, life is too short to not enjoy it. It's too short to hold on to the past. Sure, we need to learn from the past. Sometimes the past changes us. But ultimately, we need to live in the today. Live for the future. Now, this perceived debt threatens the very future that I wanted. I don't understand why, because as far as I'm concerned it's in the past. Worse things have been done. It's really such a small thing, when compared with what can be, with the possibilities.
So...
Consider that the next time you find yourself in a situation. When someone does something, remember the big picture. Remember that people make mistakes. We're human. It's going to happen. But, when someone accepts your apology, be gracious. When you wrong someone, and they accept your apology, move on.
When I did something wrong, my father always used to ask, "So, what did you learn from this?" I guess that's what I'm really getting at. If you make a mistake, and you learn from it, then it's a Good Thing. Providing, of course, you don't turn it into a larger mistake.
Or, as Balthasar Gracian put it:
I'm not sure why, but a recent event brought to the front of my mind the concept of debts. Debts are interesting things. Rather, how one handles one's debts is what is interesting. Some people give great weight to their debts. Others shrug them off, with little concern. For me, there have always been two kinds of debts: material and honorable.
Material debts are pretty easy to sort out. Hell, I never lend money I cannot afford to give. That way, if I never see it again, no worries. You borrow something from someone, you return it. They perform a service for you, you repay them in kind; either with another service, or with money. It's always the guy who holds the marker that has the right to call in that debt. If you're a decent sort, you pay up. If not, well...
But it's the debts of honor that, I think, are one of the things which defines who we are as a person. If you say you're going to do something, you do it. If you fail to follow through, you loose something of your reputation; something of your honor. Likewise, if someone indebted themselves to you, it behooves them to make things right. To repay the debt.
But, here's the thing. Sometimes it's nice to do things without expectation of repayment. It's nice to do for someone, just to do. It's a subtle way of saying, "Hey, I care." Sure, Scrooge would have no problem tracking debts. But, I think it's nicer when people stop worrying about who owes whom. The world becomes a nicer place when you just do what's good, or what's right. No expectations.
Which leads me to another concept...
What if you've injured someone? Are you then beholden to repay that person? Doesn't it become, after a fashion, a debt of honor? Whether you repay it, how you repay it, defines who and what you are as a person. Sometimes all that is required is a simple apology, a simple acknowledgement that a wrong was done. Sometimes more is required.
The question then is this: Who determines the debt? When you say, "I owe you one." Who is to say what is owed, how much is owed? When you wrong someone, isn't it up to them to determine the extent of the injury? And, what if the other person really doesn't care? What if they've determined that no debt exists?
That's where I'm at with one particular situation in my life. I was wronged, in a way. But ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, it was not a big deal for me. I thought about the situation for a bit, and decided that there was no real debt. In days of old, the Knight would have been released from his debt, and things would have been forgotten.
Which leads me to forgiveness...
Really, there's not much point in holding a grudge. All grudges do is eat you up. They can turn things bitter. Sour. That's why the concept of forgiveness is such an important thing. Does forgiving mean forgetting? No. Forgiving just simply means that you have decided to not hold that grudge. To release the other person from their debt, so to speak.
My situation...
All this applies to my situation in that, the wrong done really was not that important to me. As I said, in the grand scheme of things, it really didn't damage anything. It was a hiccup. Nothing more, nothing less. I have forgiven; given up any feelings of hurt there may have been. I have released that debt, because it was paid. I received my apology, and am quite content with it. Water under the bridge, so to speak. And yet, the debtor cannot see that. As far as I'm concerned, shit happens. It's done. The the debtor seems to want to cling to it.
You see, life is too short to not enjoy it. It's too short to hold on to the past. Sure, we need to learn from the past. Sometimes the past changes us. But ultimately, we need to live in the today. Live for the future. Now, this perceived debt threatens the very future that I wanted. I don't understand why, because as far as I'm concerned it's in the past. Worse things have been done. It's really such a small thing, when compared with what can be, with the possibilities.
So...
Consider that the next time you find yourself in a situation. When someone does something, remember the big picture. Remember that people make mistakes. We're human. It's going to happen. But, when someone accepts your apology, be gracious. When you wrong someone, and they accept your apology, move on.
When I did something wrong, my father always used to ask, "So, what did you learn from this?" I guess that's what I'm really getting at. If you make a mistake, and you learn from it, then it's a Good Thing. Providing, of course, you don't turn it into a larger mistake.
Or, as Balthasar Gracian put it:
214 - Do not turn one Blunder into two. It is quite usual to commit four others in order to remedy one, or to excuse one piece of impertinence by still another. Folly is either related to, or identical with the family of Lies, for in both cases it needs many to support one. The worst of a bad case is having to fight it, and worse than the ill itself is not being able to conceal it. The annuity of one failing serves to support many others. A wise man may make one slip but never two, and that only in running, not while standing still.
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