Giving up the fight (for now)
So, it's occurred to me that I'm tired. Really tired. Not the tired you get when you've skipped a couple nights of sleep. Rather, the tired you get when you've skipped too much sleep all your life, and never had the chance to recharge. Emotionally tired.
I've come out of a marriage which lasted close to twenty years. My ex was not the nicest of people. Though, admittedly, neither was I. The first half of our marriage was marred by abuse (physical and emotional), infidelity, and just about any other thing wrong that can happen in a marriage. It was, to say the least, a complete disaster.
Some seven years ago, I changed my ways. I threw myself into the marriage fully. I became the best husband I knew to be, or at least thought I did. I was faithful, I worked hard (in the house and out), and I think part of me even began to love my ex. Unfortunately, it was all an illusion. An illusion I created for myself to survive.
See, the entire time I was destroying myself; denying who and what I was. When the time came to wipe out the last remnants of the person I was, my core rebelled. I remember being so tired I could barely function. One day I woke, and decided I'd had enough. It was either going to be lie down and die, or come out swinging. Hence the divorce.
The problem is, the divorce is still very much in progress. Worse, I'm still frigging exhausted. I couldn't figure out why though. Sure, I'm not getting as much sleep as I was. I've met someone who has truly changed my life. I've completely fallen for her. When we're together, I recharge. And yet, I'm still tired. The other day I realized why...
I still haven't really broken free. I'm currently running in survival mode. But it's a mode that I cannot sustain. If I continue with my current path, I'll still self-destruct. I cannot continue this fight emotionally, physically, or financially. So, I realized that I would eventually lose this fight. Not tomorrow, not next week, but certainly within the year.
So... What to do?
Much of my support group, those that I counted on being there, haven't really. Sure, they were good for a few months, but the wind is out of their sails. I can't do this alone. Not like this. So, I'm going to regroup. No sense continuing a fight I'm going to lose. I'm going to pull back, get myself in a situation where I can rest, and reposition myself to win the war. Sometimes, it's necessary to lose the battle.
I'm not really sure why I'm putting this all down, except to review later. Something of a journal. I'm only blogging it, because my partner thinks blogging is good...
So, that's my thoughts for this thing so far. It will be interesting to see what happens in the upcoming weeks...
I've come out of a marriage which lasted close to twenty years. My ex was not the nicest of people. Though, admittedly, neither was I. The first half of our marriage was marred by abuse (physical and emotional), infidelity, and just about any other thing wrong that can happen in a marriage. It was, to say the least, a complete disaster.
Some seven years ago, I changed my ways. I threw myself into the marriage fully. I became the best husband I knew to be, or at least thought I did. I was faithful, I worked hard (in the house and out), and I think part of me even began to love my ex. Unfortunately, it was all an illusion. An illusion I created for myself to survive.
See, the entire time I was destroying myself; denying who and what I was. When the time came to wipe out the last remnants of the person I was, my core rebelled. I remember being so tired I could barely function. One day I woke, and decided I'd had enough. It was either going to be lie down and die, or come out swinging. Hence the divorce.
The problem is, the divorce is still very much in progress. Worse, I'm still frigging exhausted. I couldn't figure out why though. Sure, I'm not getting as much sleep as I was. I've met someone who has truly changed my life. I've completely fallen for her. When we're together, I recharge. And yet, I'm still tired. The other day I realized why...
I still haven't really broken free. I'm currently running in survival mode. But it's a mode that I cannot sustain. If I continue with my current path, I'll still self-destruct. I cannot continue this fight emotionally, physically, or financially. So, I realized that I would eventually lose this fight. Not tomorrow, not next week, but certainly within the year.
So... What to do?
Much of my support group, those that I counted on being there, haven't really. Sure, they were good for a few months, but the wind is out of their sails. I can't do this alone. Not like this. So, I'm going to regroup. No sense continuing a fight I'm going to lose. I'm going to pull back, get myself in a situation where I can rest, and reposition myself to win the war. Sometimes, it's necessary to lose the battle.
I'm not really sure why I'm putting this all down, except to review later. Something of a journal. I'm only blogging it, because my partner thinks blogging is good...
So, that's my thoughts for this thing so far. It will be interesting to see what happens in the upcoming weeks...
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