Whee! Ima Taoist?

I have been talking about writing a book for some time. More than a few have said I should. However, procrastination and laziness have always combined to curtail any serious notions of actually writing the book. This blog should change that. At least, I hope it will. The only problem in doing it this way is that I can kiss those millions good-bye.

One of the topics I wanted to cover in the book was relationships; romantic ones. The, find-your-life-mate ones. And a big part of relationships is something no one ever thinks about. You know... sex.

Here's my sex advice to every teen who might bother to read this blog: don't do it. Stay faaaar away from it. And, in case you didn't catch it, DON'T DO IT.

Don't get me wrong. Sex is great. It's the most fun you can have with your body accompanied by another (some do it alone, but that's a whooole nother topic). At least, I think it is. I'm sure there are those out there who might think differently. But, for me, nothing else comes to mind.

My partner mentioned it's also closest you can get to another person (physically). That's true too. There's really no other way to get as close as you get (again, we're talking physically), than being intimate with another person. When it's combined with the right emotions, it's completely amazing.

But, there's a catch.

It can consume you. It can be addicting. It can lead you into relationships that are destructive. It can be misinterpreted as love. It's the last that's the most dangerous. All too often, people mistake lust for love. That, is a true tragedy. Because, as I've recently learned, there's a vast difference between lust and love.

I need to say that again... There is a vast difference between lust and love.

The irony, for me, is that I've always confused the two. It led to my being involved in a marriage for far longer than I should have been. It is also one of the major causes for the destruction of the marriage. I misinterpreted lust for love. Sex was the end-all, be-all for me. That drive for sex caught me in a relationship that bore children, and ruined who I was.

Now, I face the task of extricating myself from said marriage. Three children will be damaged. Hell, they already are; bad marriages have a way of hurting kids. It will wound those around me. It will have life-long affects that I can't even anticipate at this moment.

That's not good.

Ironically, I'm now involved in a relationship that is based on friendship and love. That's how it started; she and I became friends. Best friends. Then, somewhere along the way, we fell in love. It has been completely amazing. I've never known anyone like this woman. She makes me a better person (yes, I know that's cliche). When I'm with her, the world is a better place.

But, it's the results of the previous infatuation with sex that cause problems with this relationship. I have kids. She's not interested in becoming a surrogate mother. I have an ex, and am trying to get a divorce. It affects her more than she lets on.

So, the time that I manage to get lucky enough to find The One, there's a fair chance I could lose it... All because of sex.

Something to think about...

Labels: advice, book, sex

Posted by Christopher at 19:23 | Permalink | Comments

So, it's occurred to me that I'm tired. Really tired. Not the tired you get when you've skipped a couple nights of sleep. Rather, the tired you get when you've skipped too much sleep all your life, and never had the chance to recharge. Emotionally tired.

I've come out of a marriage which lasted close to twenty years. My ex was not the nicest of people. Though, admittedly, neither was I. The first half of our marriage was marred by abuse (physical and emotional), infidelity, and just about any other thing wrong that can happen in a marriage. It was, to say the least, a complete disaster.

Some seven years ago, I changed my ways. I threw myself into the marriage fully. I became the best husband I knew to be, or at least thought I did. I was faithful, I worked hard (in the house and out), and I think part of me even began to love my ex. Unfortunately, it was all an illusion. An illusion I created for myself to survive.

See, the entire time I was destroying myself; denying who and what I was. When the time came to wipe out the last remnants of the person I was, my core rebelled. I remember being so tired I could barely function. One day I woke, and decided I'd had enough. It was either going to be lie down and die, or come out swinging. Hence the divorce.

The problem is, the divorce is still very much in progress. Worse, I'm still frigging exhausted. I couldn't figure out why though. Sure, I'm not getting as much sleep as I was. I've met someone who has truly changed my life. I've completely fallen for her. When we're together, I recharge. And yet, I'm still tired. The other day I realized why...

I still haven't really broken free. I'm currently running in survival mode. But it's a mode that I cannot sustain. If I continue with my current path, I'll still self-destruct. I cannot continue this fight emotionally, physically, or financially. So, I realized that I would eventually lose this fight. Not tomorrow, not next week, but certainly within the year.

So... What to do?

Much of my support group, those that I counted on being there, haven't really. Sure, they were good for a few months, but the wind is out of their sails. I can't do this alone. Not like this. So, I'm going to regroup. No sense continuing a fight I'm going to lose. I'm going to pull back, get myself in a situation where I can rest, and reposition myself to win the war. Sometimes, it's necessary to lose the battle.

I'm not really sure why I'm putting this all down, except to review later. Something of a journal. I'm only blogging it, because my partner thinks blogging is good...

So, that's my thoughts for this thing so far. It will be interesting to see what happens in the upcoming weeks...

Labels: divorce, journal

Posted by Christopher at 18:59 | Permalink | Comments

Some people that piss me off:

Ex-whatevers. That includes ex-wives, ex-boyfriends, ex-bosses. Naturally, anyone who was romantically involved bubbles to the top. In my case, it's an ex-wife. No, she's not completely an ex yet, but I'm working on that. Twenty years I wasted on that wench, and I'm sick and tired of wasting any more.

Family. You've heard the old adage; you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family. Yeah, right. Watch me. I've just about had my fill on that front as well. The problem with family is they take it for granted you have to tolerate them. They also tend to help, but with strings attached. They do this for you, you have to do that for them.

Ingenuous people. You know the type. They say one thing, but mean another. They are ill intentioned. I've been screwed more times than not, because I tend to take people at face value. Actually, now that I think of it, this relates directly to my current situation and the past twenty years of my life. Hmm...

So, I say all that to lead into my real point: I've had it up to my neck with my present situation. I've decided it's time to run the show my way. I'm surrounded by people who are willing to promise the world, but when it comes time to deliver, they bail. I tried playing nice guy, and it's not done all that well for me. There's a country song popular now, it mentions finding out who your true friends are.

See, it's never about the good stuff. People can stick when every thing is all nice and rosy. But when the shit hits the fan, that's when you find out who your real friends are. The only good thing for me is I don't have that many friends I have to filter through. I'm about to find out which ones are really there, and which ones are paying lip service.

The thought you should carry away: which ones of yours are true friends? I'm in a shit situation (ending a twenty year marriage, burning resources way faster than I'm replenishing them, etc.) Over the past six months, I've learned real quick who might be my real friends. Now, I'm about to really see. Take the time in your live to evaluate it. If you don't, you could end up just like me.

And yes, this was one long rant, with a lot of things not said. But I wanted to get this out on paper (sic) so that people would know: change is on the horizon.

Side note: my situation is my own doing. No one else is responsible for where I'm at. Hence, it is no one's responsibility but my own to get out of it. Will there be damages and losses, yes. But, if I don't save myself, everyone else will be hurt far worse.

Labels: friends, rant

Posted by Christopher at 06:35 | Permalink | Comments