Fighting and Weakness
Kids, especially boys, are like puppies. They roll around, wrestle, and just generally get into trouble. I was pretty typical in that respect: getting into my share of fights as a kid growing up in a city. It didn't help that I was naturally a bit of a scrapper, with a quick temper to boot.
As I grew up, my father echoed phrases I'm sure most have heard before:
I wouldn't classify my father as being a pacifist. He certainly didn't go out of his way to find conflict. In fact, he often avoided it when he could. But, when push came to shove, he would make sure he won. I've known a few people like that. Sadly, for much of my life, I wasn't one.
Now that I'm a bit older (no, not wiser, just older), and a bit deader, I'm starting to understand what he was getting at. That, while it's important to stand for what you believe, for you and yours, conflict is rarely a good thing.
So, I'm at a point where I often choose not to fight. That doesn't mean that I can't fight, or that I won't fight. It just means that I choose to avoid the conflict. It comes back to the last thing in my father's list: don't fight unless it's worth dying for. And that's what it really comes down to for me.
See, if you're going to fight, then I think you have to accept a couple things:
If someone hurts you, it's very easy to express that hurt vis-a-vis anger. If someone crosses you, it's certainly easier to lash out. And sure, there are times when it's necessary. But, I've come to learn that it's usually harder to accept what's happened and move on. Certainly, it takes quite a bit of self control to keep from lashing out when you've been slighted.
How to know when to do what? I'm not really sure. Except, perhaps, that I try to remember what my father would say. Make sure it's worth it. If you fight with a lover, over something mundane, you could use that relationship. If you fight with a business partner over a sour deal, you could lose the partnership. When it comes down to it, you really have to evaluate what can be lost.
Then, there's the Taoist attitude: "He does not contend, and non contend against him." Or, paraphrased: "It takes two to fight."
I can say for myself that there are times when I'd really like to choke the living shit out of people. There are times when I think the best way a situation can be resolved is the appropriate application of force. But, when it comes to the end of the day, I think I've shown myself to be a better person if I've avoided a fight.
In other words, don't shy away from conflict when it's necessary. But, when it's not, don't risk something more valuable over the need to satisfy your pride. Trust me, it takes much more strength to keep your cool than it does to not. And, when someone calls you weak for it, you'll know just how much strength of character it took to not beat them with a baseball bat. Even if they don't.
As I grew up, my father echoed phrases I'm sure most have heard before:
"Fighting isn't worth it."
"Choose your battles wisely."
"If you're going to fight, make sure it's worth dying for."
I wouldn't classify my father as being a pacifist. He certainly didn't go out of his way to find conflict. In fact, he often avoided it when he could. But, when push came to shove, he would make sure he won. I've known a few people like that. Sadly, for much of my life, I wasn't one.
Now that I'm a bit older (no, not wiser, just older), and a bit deader, I'm starting to understand what he was getting at. That, while it's important to stand for what you believe, for you and yours, conflict is rarely a good thing.
So, I'm at a point where I often choose not to fight. That doesn't mean that I can't fight, or that I won't fight. It just means that I choose to avoid the conflict. It comes back to the last thing in my father's list: don't fight unless it's worth dying for. And that's what it really comes down to for me.
See, if you're going to fight, then I think you have to accept a couple things:
- You just might lose, in more ways than one.
- The loss of the fight, or the act of fighting, could cost more than the gain of winning.
If someone hurts you, it's very easy to express that hurt vis-a-vis anger. If someone crosses you, it's certainly easier to lash out. And sure, there are times when it's necessary. But, I've come to learn that it's usually harder to accept what's happened and move on. Certainly, it takes quite a bit of self control to keep from lashing out when you've been slighted.
How to know when to do what? I'm not really sure. Except, perhaps, that I try to remember what my father would say. Make sure it's worth it. If you fight with a lover, over something mundane, you could use that relationship. If you fight with a business partner over a sour deal, you could lose the partnership. When it comes down to it, you really have to evaluate what can be lost.
Then, there's the Taoist attitude: "He does not contend, and non contend against him." Or, paraphrased: "It takes two to fight."
I can say for myself that there are times when I'd really like to choke the living shit out of people. There are times when I think the best way a situation can be resolved is the appropriate application of force. But, when it comes to the end of the day, I think I've shown myself to be a better person if I've avoided a fight.
In other words, don't shy away from conflict when it's necessary. But, when it's not, don't risk something more valuable over the need to satisfy your pride. Trust me, it takes much more strength to keep your cool than it does to not. And, when someone calls you weak for it, you'll know just how much strength of character it took to not beat them with a baseball bat. Even if they don't.
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