Settling
I like sappy romance-comedies. I'm not sure why. Sure, there's a part of me that is a hopeless romantic. Some part of my id clings to the belief that people can find their partner, true love will conquer all, and everyone can life happily ever after.
Certainly, those movies reinforce that fantasy. Everything seems to happen so easily for the characters. Sure, they have some crisis. It seems to threaten the couple. But, in the end, they find each other, and manage to be together. It's a shame that doesn't happen in real life. Or does it?...
I think people have an innate need to be in a relationship of some kind. In the end, they want to have that partner around to share the life experience. They like the idea that there will be someone there who will share the experience, share the good and bad. They want this so badly, they often settle for something less than love. That's how my Partner phrases it, they settle. I know I did.
My failed attempt at a marriage was just that: settling. In my last post, I pointed out how so many mistake lust for love. In my case, that lust led to a pregnancy. I decided to do the "right thing", and marry the girl. Hindsight has shown me that I had taken lust over love. And yet, even then I think I knew that I was settling. I knew it wasn't love, but I still jumped into the situation. Yes, part of the reason was doing the honorable thing. But, and I think even more, it was an attempt at finding that person who I could share my life with.
I never really took the time to learn who my ex was. She was not a nice person. Don't get me wrong; I was as cruel and vile in the marriage as she. But the fundamental problem with the relationship was it was based on lust. It was never based on anything real.
There's tons of research, scores of sites, and droves of people who devote their time to helping people find that partner, that special someone. So I know people want it. They just don't seem to know how to find it. So, they poke around a bit, find something, and settle for it. They never really consider what it is they really want. They are so consumed with looking, they blind themselves to possibilities.
What do I mean? Well, as I said, I know I was looking for something. Then I mistook lust for love. The rest, as they say, is history. It wasn't until I stopped looking, removed myself from the disaster I was in, that it found me. It? Well, love.
See, I met someone. She's the only (female) person I didn't evaluate as a possible sexual partner. Instead, we started talking about my problems (with my failed relationship). From there, it progressed into talking about her problems. Then it went into talking about anything and everything else. The more we talked, the more we shared. The more we shared, the more we learned what we had in common, what we didn't, and how we complemented one another. In short, we became friends. Best friends.
Now, it's progressed to the point where we are hopelessly in love with one another. It's strange for us, because we don't fit each other's profile. She's artsy, I'm techie. She's trendy, I could care less about fashion. She's this, I'm that. But, in the end, we mesh so well with one another, it's almost scary.
So, how is it we got to this point? Oddly enough, we weren't looking for it. Neither she, nor I, were really interested in having a relationship. Yes, once the interest started, I was interested before she was. But still, it was not something that was even a possibility. So, we had the time to become friends. In the end, it's turned into something so amazing, I can't describe it.
And, I guess that's my point. As a followup to my post about lust and love, is this post. Friendship is a powerful thing. It is possible to find, and fall in love with, your best friend. The trick is, I think, to not really look for it. Make sure you're a complete person, be open to the possibility when it comes along, and the love will find you. Don't limit yourself to preconceived notions. Most importantly, don't settle.
Certainly, those movies reinforce that fantasy. Everything seems to happen so easily for the characters. Sure, they have some crisis. It seems to threaten the couple. But, in the end, they find each other, and manage to be together. It's a shame that doesn't happen in real life. Or does it?...
I think people have an innate need to be in a relationship of some kind. In the end, they want to have that partner around to share the life experience. They like the idea that there will be someone there who will share the experience, share the good and bad. They want this so badly, they often settle for something less than love. That's how my Partner phrases it, they settle. I know I did.
My failed attempt at a marriage was just that: settling. In my last post, I pointed out how so many mistake lust for love. In my case, that lust led to a pregnancy. I decided to do the "right thing", and marry the girl. Hindsight has shown me that I had taken lust over love. And yet, even then I think I knew that I was settling. I knew it wasn't love, but I still jumped into the situation. Yes, part of the reason was doing the honorable thing. But, and I think even more, it was an attempt at finding that person who I could share my life with.
I never really took the time to learn who my ex was. She was not a nice person. Don't get me wrong; I was as cruel and vile in the marriage as she. But the fundamental problem with the relationship was it was based on lust. It was never based on anything real.
There's tons of research, scores of sites, and droves of people who devote their time to helping people find that partner, that special someone. So I know people want it. They just don't seem to know how to find it. So, they poke around a bit, find something, and settle for it. They never really consider what it is they really want. They are so consumed with looking, they blind themselves to possibilities.
What do I mean? Well, as I said, I know I was looking for something. Then I mistook lust for love. The rest, as they say, is history. It wasn't until I stopped looking, removed myself from the disaster I was in, that it found me. It? Well, love.
See, I met someone. She's the only (female) person I didn't evaluate as a possible sexual partner. Instead, we started talking about my problems (with my failed relationship). From there, it progressed into talking about her problems. Then it went into talking about anything and everything else. The more we talked, the more we shared. The more we shared, the more we learned what we had in common, what we didn't, and how we complemented one another. In short, we became friends. Best friends.
Now, it's progressed to the point where we are hopelessly in love with one another. It's strange for us, because we don't fit each other's profile. She's artsy, I'm techie. She's trendy, I could care less about fashion. She's this, I'm that. But, in the end, we mesh so well with one another, it's almost scary.
So, how is it we got to this point? Oddly enough, we weren't looking for it. Neither she, nor I, were really interested in having a relationship. Yes, once the interest started, I was interested before she was. But still, it was not something that was even a possibility. So, we had the time to become friends. In the end, it's turned into something so amazing, I can't describe it.
And, I guess that's my point. As a followup to my post about lust and love, is this post. Friendship is a powerful thing. It is possible to find, and fall in love with, your best friend. The trick is, I think, to not really look for it. Make sure you're a complete person, be open to the possibility when it comes along, and the love will find you. Don't limit yourself to preconceived notions. Most importantly, don't settle.
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