Whee! Ima Taoist?

My wife, Jess, has started watching a show titled "Intervention." I watch it with her from time to time. For those who haven't seen it, each episode follows an addict as their family conducts an intervention on (against? for?) them.

It's an hour long. You get a brief overview of what the addict's life is like; how it's affecting them and the people in their lives. Then there's the bit where the family and friends are in with the counselor on the day before the intervention. Then comes the intervention scene, with lots of tears and such. Finally, there's some kind of summation at the end. You get to find out what happened to the addict. All in all, it's not the most exciting of shows. But it does give a very real look into the lives of addicts and the people around them.

Watching that show got me to thinking about my experiences with addiction. When I was younger, I dealth with them. It's part of why I'm behind the learning curve now. If I'd paid attention then, instead of spending my time partying, I'd have accomplished a lot more.

Worse than what I did to myself, is how it affected those around me. Sure, in a lot of ways, I got out of it, before things really went poorly. Still, there were a lot of stupid things I did as the result of my drinking. I made decisions which still affect me to this day. I cheated on my (now) ex-wife. I bailed out of a couple (semi) decent jobs. The list goes on and on.

And, I think that's where I'm going with this. While I managed to stop, there was no way to repair the damages done as a result of my addictions. What was done, was done. None of it can be undone. Many people are still living with the affects of my addiction.

And that's the really sad part of it. The latest episode of "Intervention" we watched covered an entire town's battle with meth addictions. How families were ripped apart by it. How people lost (are losing) everything to feed their addiction. And that's the shame of it all. In the end, the insidious disease known as addiction only does one thing: it destroyes lives. And, it doesn't matter how much you fight it, it will always be there. It will always try to find a way to get its hold on you, with the sole intent of destroying you, and those around you.

Labels: addictions, intervention, life

Posted by Christopher at 11:41 | Permalink | Comments

I like to think of myself as a 'nice guy'. As a general rule, I try to follow the Golden Rule. (About doing to others; not the other one.) Yet, I wasn't always a nice guy. I was as much a snake as anyone can be. I did shitty stuff to people, things, and myself. Hell, I still continue to make mistakes. Still, all in all, I do tend to land on the side of being nice most of the time.

Since I really started trying to be nice, I've noticed something. Nice guys finish last. And yeah, I know, that's a very common cliché. But, it's also a very true one. A few days ago I made a comment to someone I know: Nice guys should just carry a jar of Vaseline around with them; that way they will always have lube on hand when they get fucked in the ass.

The wife, daughter, daughter's boyfriend, and I went out to dinner last night. It was a birthday thing. Not anything grand, rather something simple to commemorate the occasion. It was a pretty nice time, until it came time to pay the bill. The restaurant fucked up my card, forcing me to stand there looking like an idiot for ten or fifteen minutes. When it happened, I could have just signed the slip and walked out (saving myself some $40). But, instead, I chose to do the right thing. That's when the disaster hit, and they locked up my credit card.

After all was said and done, I got a "We're very sorry" and nothing else. And I honestly couldn't say anything. There were a lot of things that came to mind, however none of them were appropriate for a public setting. So, I did the right thing. I was the nice guy. I smiled, took it in the ass, and left. Partly because I was really trying to "rise above," but also because I knew if I started the cops would have been there.

One of the comments made during the evening was, "I wish so-and-so were here." Mostly because that person would probably have said the things that were going through my mind. Actually, no, he'd have been more polite than I could have been. But, that really sums up what being a nice guy is like.

I remember hearing a comedienne who had a routine which mentioned that women will tell you they want a nice, sensitive guy. But, when they get that, all they can really think is, "Heeeere pussy, pussy, pussy." And that's really starting to make sense to me.

So, what's my point? Good you asked. Here's the advantage of being a nice guy: at the end of the day, you know you probably made someone's life better. At least, you probably haven't made someone's day worse.

But, with that, is a whole bevy of things one has to choke down. I cannot count the number of times I have been publically and privately insulted, degraded, humiliated, etc. Virtually every time, I've done the right thing. Smiled and nodded. When someone does or says something, I shrug it off. I’m gracious. The problem is it just reinforces the behavior. I think it's because people have a natural tendency to take advantage of other people. We're all greedy. We all want mine. And, as long as we're getting mine, we're happy.

The problem I'm having with all this is being a nice guy is going to kill me. Stress really is the confusion caused when the mind overrides the body's desire to choke the living daylights out of some asshole who desperately deserves it. And boy, do I have stress.

The problem is, if I'm not nice, then I’m not setting an example for everyone I encounter. Children, strangers, everyone. There's no chance to pass something along. A smile, a good feeling. Something small which might help someone else when they might really need it.

But, here's the thing. I used to be a medic. I've saved a lot of lives in my time. I've helped a lot of people when they were at their worst. Even then, there were a lot of times where I was screwed by the very people I was helping. So, eventually, I stopped doing medical stuff. I'd had my fill of helping people, of being nice to people, who were not about to show one ounce of appreciation. Or worse, were going to turn around and screw me anyway. And, as much as I enjoyed it, I will never go back to it.

See, I'm extremely loyal, kind, and considerate. Even when I know it would be much easier to just be an ass. But, when that level of commitment isn't returned, I get very bitter. I think that's why I have no desire to practice medicine anymore. I'm bitter. And yes, I know I shouldn't be.

So, I guess, now that I've ranted, I'll sum this up. I know I'm a better person for being nice. It would be so easy at times to put the idiots of the world back into their place. To not turn the other cheek. To strike back when struck. Even when a part of me would truly enjoy to inflict a bit of pain. But I don't. I continue to be nice. Because, whether or not there is a God or gods. Whether we're just worm food in the end. Perhaps the kindness I show will rub off and be passed on. It's one of the few lessons I learned from my father. It took a very long time to learn it. And, now the actions and kindnesses he did to me are being passed on. So, I know it has an affect.

Just remember one thing: every time you take advantage of a nice guy, every time you cut them down, you diminish yourself. And you may find that they stop being nice. I could still be saving lives. I’m not. So, somewhere out there are people who have lost someone, because I am no longer saving lives. That's not egotistical, that's fact (yet another long story). Because, in the end, it takes a lot more energy to be nice than not-so-nice.

Oh, and one more thing. For all you people out there who have been taking advantage of nice guys: FUCK YOU. (Now, if I can just find my baseball bat…)

Labels: life, rant, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 08:57 | Permalink | Comments

Integrity, honor, loyalty, compassion... These are values I hold in high regard. I strive to act with high levels of all these (and others) in my daily life. In the past, I did this for the sake of others. Now, I do it for my sake. I do it, so I can face the person who looks back at me when I stand before a mirror. I don't do as well as I should, but I do try.

Recent events have really stressed how important two of these values are: integrity and loyalty. These same events have also caused me to really evaluate what these values mean to other people. In some cases, it's been demonstrated to me that people do not necessarily view these things the same as do I.

And yes, I have something of a dual standard here. While I am quite aware of my own shortcomings in these areas, I strive to be better. All the while, I hold those around me, those closest to me, to the ideals towards which I strive. That can be a Bad Thing, because it often leads to disappointment.

Then, there are the times when two of these values come into direct conflict. I remember a time when I was in the Navy, where it happened. To maintain integrity, I would have had to abandon loyalty. Or, if I wanted to maintain loyalty, I would have had to abandon integrity. I chose loyalty, and paid a heavy price. Not just me. If any members of AC were reading this, or could be reached for comment, they'd tell you just how high the price of loyalty was.

Fast-forward a dozen years or so, and I saw a similar situation unfold. In this case, loyalty was sacrificed for integrity. This had some very immediate affects. Greatest amongst those (for me), was the affirmation of how well this person regarded their own integrity. It made me believe in quite a few things which I had come to doubt, banished some fears so to speak. It also gave me something to shoot for. See, I've been trying (and failing mostly) to place integrity above all as well. So, while short lived, for a bit I truly believed in the integrity of others.


Now, don't get me wrong. I think the decision was correct. To those involved who bothered to list, I've made my position clear. Integrity is paramount, because it is the basis of the other values. Without integrity, loyalty will suffer. This happened as well, as in the following...


I also saw a situation involving another person where loyalty overcame integrity. It was extremely offensive. It also affected the loyalty. See, what the other person involved did not realize is this: by sacrificing their integrity for loyalty, they destroyed trust. The loss of the trust revealed to me just how loyal they were, and it affected my loyalty towards them.

And finally, I discovered another situation in which someone who had demonstrated that integrity was important also demonstrated the complete opposite. And, I'll admit, this is much like me. I try very hard to stand up, but still face demons which hold me back. The standard to which I looked, however was demonstrated to be illusory at best.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that integrity goes a long way. I'm fond of saying, "Lead by example." I'm not sure where I picked it up, but it's a very true statement. If you fail to demonstrate to others, how can you expect them to follow suit? The answer is a short and brutal, you can't.

But, when integrity is maligned, it strikes at the foundations of other things: honor, loyalty, trust.

The real caveat to all this is that people will tend to maintain their personal integrity when it's convenient. As long as it doesn't cost them anything, they can be paragons of virtue. But, as soon as the price might become too high to pay, they resort to illusion and treachery. And there are the people who will, when it could gain them accolades, will do well. But, when no one is looking (or they think no one is), their integrity falls short as well.

I've said to my wife, Jess, very often, "It's not the good that defines things, it's the bad." That is true for so many things. Anyone can stick to something as long as it's good, as long as it's easy. But, as soon as things become difficult, those that have the strength will keep to their values. Those that don't wont. That is what really impressed me about the one situation: despite the possible loss, integrity was maintained. By facing the bad, it truly demonstrated just how important integrity was.

So, I think my advice to people would be pretty common. Be honest. Maintain your integrity. At the end of the day, there's not much else you have left, other than you. But, here's the key, it doesn't count if you only maintain it when it's convenient for you. If you stop doing well when no one is looking, you may as well not bother in the first place. In the end, the true demonstration is when there is no one looking, when it's only your reflection you have to face. Because, soon or late, it will come out. When that happens, things fall apart and people will view you differently than they did before.

Labels: advice, life, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 10:57 | Permalink | Comments

Kids, especially boys, are like puppies. They roll around, wrestle, and just generally get into trouble. I was pretty typical in that respect: getting into my share of fights as a kid growing up in a city. It didn't help that I was naturally a bit of a scrapper, with a quick temper to boot.

As I grew up, my father echoed phrases I'm sure most have heard before:

"Fighting isn't worth it."
"Choose your battles wisely."
"If you're going to fight, make sure it's worth dying for."

I wouldn't classify my father as being a pacifist. He certainly didn't go out of his way to find conflict. In fact, he often avoided it when he could. But, when push came to shove, he would make sure he won. I've known a few people like that. Sadly, for much of my life, I wasn't one.

Now that I'm a bit older (no, not wiser, just older), and a bit deader, I'm starting to understand what he was getting at. That, while it's important to stand for what you believe, for you and yours, conflict is rarely a good thing.

So, I'm at a point where I often choose not to fight. That doesn't mean that I can't fight, or that I won't fight. It just means that I choose to avoid the conflict. It comes back to the last thing in my father's list: don't fight unless it's worth dying for. And that's what it really comes down to for me.

See, if you're going to fight, then I think you have to accept a couple things:

1. You just might lose, in more ways than one.
2. The loss of the fight, or the act of fighting, could cost more than the gain of winning.

The problem is, much as for any child, choosing to walk away has its own cost as well: ridicule. All too often, people view someone who avoids conflict as being weak or flawed. One pays a price for not wanting to take the risk. And, I'm sorry, but I don't see that as being weak. In fact, it's often quite the opposite.

If someone hurts you, it's very easy to express that hurt vis-a-vis anger. If someone crosses you, it's certainly easier to lash out. And sure, there are times when it's necessary. But, I've come to learn that it's usually harder to accept what's happened and move on. Certainly, it takes quite a bit of self control to keep from lashing out when you've been slighted.

How to know when to do what? I'm not really sure. Except, perhaps, that I try to remember what my father would say. Make sure it's worth it. If you fight with a lover, over something mundane, you could use that relationship. If you fight with a business partner over a sour deal, you could lose the partnership. When it comes down to it, you really have to evaluate what can be lost.

Then, there's the Taoist attitude: "He does not contend, and non contend against him." Or, paraphrased: "It takes two to fight."

I can say for myself that there are times when I'd really like to choke the living shit out of people. There are times when I think the best way a situation can be resolved is the appropriate application of force. But, when it comes to the end of the day, I think I've shown myself to be a better person if I've avoided a fight.

In other words, don't shy away from conflict when it's necessary. But, when it's not, don't risk something more valuable over the need to satisfy your pride. Trust me, it takes much more strength to keep your cool than it does to not. And, when someone calls you weak for it, you'll know just how much strength of character it took to not beat them with a baseball bat. Even if they don't.

Labels: advice, life, taoism, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 06:29 | Permalink | Comments

Lemmings aside, self-destruction must be a totally human trait. Too often, it seems, we find new and amazing ways to destroy ourselves. We do this as a species, a group, and as individuals. Granted, we're still around, so we haven't managed to pull the species level one off (yet). I think that's just because we've been lucky. I think the higher order ones (groups, governments, families) are a reflection of the tendency for the individual to do self-destructive things.

Sure, there are quite a few people who get along fine. They always manage to do the safe or right thing. The make the correct (sensible) life decisions. They're quite happy living normal, boring lives. They have enough sense to not do things which might go poorly. (Mistakes not counting.)

I used to be the type of person with an amazing capacity for self-destruction. Choices that I make, if I am not extremely careful, have a way of coming back to bite me in the ass. It's subconscious. I really don't enjoy tons of drama in my life. And yet, there are times where I really think that, when bored, I look for ways to spice things up a bit.

Hand-in-hand with that came the remarkable ability to destroy things around me. When everything would be going well, I would say or do something to cause problems. This was especially true of relationships. Though, it also applied to other parts of my life.

Recently, I've changed that tendency. I came to recognize how it affected me, and more importantly, those around me. It didn't happen instantly. There were several catalysts to my change in views and how I handled things. I think, one of the greatest catalysts was the death of my father. There's a saying I'm sure I've said before, "A man isn't a man, until his father dies."

I think, until that point, I never really accepted that my decisions are mine to make. And no, my father wasn't controlling or anything like that. It's more that I had an attitude that things (my decisions) just didn't matter. There was also a bit of not caring in there as well: I didn't care how my actions affected others.

Why all this?

Well, now that I'm working out of that tendency, I see it in others all the time. There are people I know, some very close to me, who have this same innate talent. Only now, I'm one of the people who will be affected. In an odd way, I'm now getting a taste of my own medicine. And guess what? I don't like it very much.

Now, I know that sounds a bit selfish. It is. To not really think about something, until it affects me. But, that's just another of my vices. But, since I've been thinking about it, I've come up with a few thoughts on the matter.

When it comes down to it, people tend to think of themselves first. This is especially true for Americans. Our culture is one where we don't worry about something if it's not in our own back yard. My father had a joke he used to tell:

"What's the difference between a recession and a depression?"

"A recession is
when your neighbor is out of work. A depression is when you are out of work."

When you think about it, that's how we think. It's how we work. If it doesn't (directly) affect us, we (usually) could give two shits. And, really, that's the wrong attitude to have.

Like it or not, our actions take their toll on those around us. Part of Taoism is learning to live in harmony with the Way. Learning to let things go the way they should. Another part of it involves not going out of your way to cause damage to something. And it's that self-destructive tendency that we carry which goes counter to that.

So, now that I am older and (hopefully) wiser, I have a suggestion to pass on to others: be aware of how your actions affect others. Just as your mother used to say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." So should you consider your actions. Be aware that not only is it possible to help those around you, it is quite possible to hurt them. I think that is one of the main lessons of life. Sure, you can be an asshole. But, in the end, it doesn't help anything. In the end, you have to face yourself in the mirror. And, one of the best ways to see something good in that reflection is to know that you have done good in your life. Hurting others is definitely not good.

Labels: advice, book, life, thoughts

Posted by Christopher at 11:54 | Permalink | Comments